Contrite

by AmiiLightwood

Published October 21, 2011

In Poetry

Spoiler! :
My first half-way-decent attempt at free verse. About a pathetic decision I repeatedly made a few years ago that I still regret today. Too wordy? Opinions please!


I cannot help but wonder
If I made the right decision
And if I knew then what I know now
Would things be different?
How?

One thing I do know for sure
Is that I deeply regret what I did
Stupid, naïve, silly kid
What did you do that for?

But yet, had I have said what I did not
Would you now be to me who you are?
Would I be me?
And would you see
The side of me that you do not

I’ve pained myself for hours on end
With what-ifs and maybe-nots
Thinking perhaps just maybe you might
Have given me that fifteenth shot

If perchance I’d said what I should have
If I’d been not-quite-so shallow
Would it still be?
And could you be
That of mine,
forevermore.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
gokubrother
Review
gokubrother wrote a review Review · Oct 23, 2011

We all have that feeling of remorse when we are at both our highest and lowest peaks. I'd reccomend working on the flow a little bit more; but there is an overall presence of feeling in it. I enjoyed it. Not wordy by the way. It's juuuuuust right. :)

User avatar
LostMoment
Review
LostMoment wrote a review Review · Oct 23, 2011

That's a great poem! Well done!

However, I think the beginning of the 3rd stanza doesn't flow as nicely as the others.
''But yet, had I have said what I did not
Would you now be to me who you are?''

So maybe you could think of different ways to word it?

Apart from that I love the originality and the questions within the poem, I feel it really grabs our attention!
Keep it up! :D

User avatar
poweroflove
Review
poweroflove wrote a review Review · Oct 21, 2011

This is a really good piece of writing and it's a decent piece of free verse. =]

No, it's not too wordy. I don't think a poem can be too wordy as long as the feeling and point get across.

I think you are talented and you should post some more poetry. =] I'll be reading some of your other work too. =]

Good job.

-pol;



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