Into the room there enters a girl.
New.
A Butterfly.
Red-haired, emerald-eyed, pale-skinned,
a little thing.
She floats, flitters in,
rather than walks on the dirty short-pile carpet.
A toss of her hair, a flourish of satin wings
and people stare.
The weight of twenty-odd pairs of eyes,
they follow her.
And it’s cold.
So cold.
They sit on her shoulders,
catch at her feet,
tug on her hair.
Debilitating -
A spider's web.
Reaching a vacant chair
she sits,
rests,
breathes.
Chancing a glance around
at those who were now her peers she notes:
Everyone looks the same.
Just the same.
Don't breathe.
People are staring.
People are staring...
Quick, close your eyes.
Don't look.
Why are they staring?
White cheeks flush crimson,
wings flicker, caught.
Caught in a web.
Whispers.
Hushed, breathed
yet gun-shot loud in the silence.
Writhe, squirm.
Delicate membranes strain, splinter.
Whispers.
Look at her hair...
Guess who’s never seen the sun?
Red? Seriously?
Her skin... corpse.
Definitely contacts.
Green eyes well.
Satin wings crumple.
How do you respond to that?
Don't struggle -
It'll only make it worse.
Whispers, stares.
Freak.
Freak.
Don't struggle.
Freak.
Who knew a subject as beautiful as the word butterfly could be turned into a poem of such raw emotion.
I really liked it. In a way, it shows how a person feels when he/she is trapped in a situation ( hints the spider web) where words are like kivfes slowly killing the beauty of their soul ( hints the crumbling wings). This is really a great poem you have some real talent for this kind of stuf
Keep on writing!
Hello Ami!
I really am speechless. I love your poem so much, I can really relate to it, except my hair is more ginger than red and I have blue eyes. I've got the pale skin thing down though.
I really love it. I clicked on it thinking I could review it, but I don't think I could say anything to do it justice. Don't change a thing. Seriously.
Thanks, thanks, thank you so much for posting this, it's perfect!!
--Storm
P.S. PM me when you post something new, please! I really want to read it!
Wow! This is a great poem! I think you captured bullying very well. When I read the title, I thought it was going to be an actual butterfly and when it wasn't, I realised that this was an excellent title indeed! I like the way that you portray the main character I think you could easily go and write a story about her and already, you would know lots about her. I like the way the mood changes throughout the piece - from happy to sad. I'm not sure if I can think of any criticism! So, anyway, wow! What a great poem! I'd love to read more by you!
This poem is so beautiful and so sad. The great thing about this poem is that a lot of people can relate to the bullying that she went through. You did a very good job at captivating the reader and hitting the readers heart. She is beautiful yet people fear her because they do not know what she is. So to make themselves feel better they make fun of her. I love how descriptive you are also.
Reaching a vacant chair
she sits,
rests,
breathes.
Chancing a glance around at those who were now her peers she notes:
Everyone looks the same.
Just the same.
Don't breathe.
People are staring.
People are staring...
Quick, close your eyes.
Don't look.
Why are they staring?
I like in this part, how descriptive you are. I love how she is the only different one. Sometimes society is really like this. It would be so amazing if you wrote a poem about her overcoming the pain in this poem in a matter of minutes of being in the class room. I also like how you have your punctuation set up in this part. Great job with this poem. : ) Keep up the good work.
Hi Amii!
Feel free to hit me up in PM/Chat anytime to talk poetry.
It's awesome that you get to do some free verse poetry for school. I don't remember doing any (way back in the day) but I'm sure I would have loved to!
I like where you're going with this poem. You have a natural angst and a clear love of description, I can definitely see the carpet and her fluttering through. I like that you're experimenting with the formatting as well, even though formatting can be a little daunting!
That said, the daunting formatting might have gotten in the way for you here. I'm struggling to read your lines when they're so short so constantly. What happens when you have a bunch of short lines together at different lengths is that the rhythm is affected. You know that when you talk you have a natural cadence and matter of speaking, that's part of rhythm too. What's happening in your poem is that the rhythm's hiding behind the short, sharp lines and not letting me read with any kind of flow from one line to the next. A tip I've never forgotten, because it's useful for all poetry, is to read the work out aloud. Give yourself about ten minutes between the last edit you make and the reading, so that if there is anything out of place or very awkward about your wording or placement, it'll really stick out because you'll stumble over it.
You're also lacking a little narrative here. There's definitely a plot, she's a new girl and no one can believe she looks like she does, so they're already bullying her by singling her out. It's a nice contrast to looking odd/unattractive on first meeting, which I'm very into. I think I'd like to see a little more depth from the start onward (this will come from a little more rhythm and longer lines, naturally).
I think that if you condense the poem, by making some of those lines longer at the expense of a couple one or two word lines, you'll have a much stronger product that will be easier to edit.
I really look forward to seeing what you do with this, if you feel like telling me if you do.
-Penguin.
Oh my goodness. *blinks* I'm forgetting my manners. Hi, Amii, I'm Day and I'm here to review your poem.
This was undoubtedly the best poem I've reviewed or read, ever. Period. I just... I don't even... How could... This is awesome!
I love how you've compared the new girl to a butterfly. I don't think anyone's ever thought of this before, and I don't know why. It's such a beautiful idea! You've described her briefly, but it doesn't seem incomplete. You've shown how she's criticized and made fun of by everyone only because of her looks, which is, sadly, very common in schools, colleges, offices and just about anywhere else. There are so many things I loved about this poem.
[/quote]Into the room there enters a girl.
New.
A Butterfly.
Red-haired, emerald-eyed, pale-skinned,
a little thing.
She floats, flitters in,
rather than walks on the dirty short-pile carpet.
A toss of her hair, a flourish of satin wings
and people stare.
The weight of twenty-odd pairs of eyes,
they follow her.
And it’s cold.
So cold.
They sit on her shoulders,
catch at her feet,
tug on her hair.
Debilitating -
A spider's web.[/quote]
The imagery and description here is wonderful. I would never have thought of comparing her classmates' stares to a spider's web. It took me a reread to figure everything out. I love how you've based this entire poem on how the girl is a butterfly and the cold, mean people are the spiders out to get her.
I love this part too. Her thoughts show how naive and unassuming she is. I got the impression that she's gullible, loyal and caring. Which shows how much of a contrast she is to everyone else, who are so mean to her later on. I just think that you could divide the long line like so:
Of course, just a suggestion, but that line stuck out like a sore thumb.
Again, I love this part, mainly because of the way you've beautifully and effortlessly used the simile of a butterfly being caught in a web. And because this is so realistic. This happens to people all the time.
Again, this verse was excellent. The criticism of the teens (I presume much, but I think it's a high school) is typical of the judgmental youth we have today. It's something that happens to everyone, and we all go through it at some point. But that's a discussion for another day.
This was undoubtedly my favorite part. This has good character development, showing that she'd rather not struggle against the complicated web of lies, deceit and meanness that the teens have woven, but instead not struggle, showing her meek nature. But that just gives them the chance to make it worse, and they ensnare her even tighter and crush her. It also shows how cruel and unforgiving society can be.
There's just one thing you should change: the title. Honestly, I clicked on this because I was curious and needed something to review. I was expecting something typical about nature and its beauty and stuff, but this is way different. Your title doesn't do justice to the poem. It needs to be something cryptic and intriguing that draws in the reader, because I thought this would be a boring nature poem, but it's certainly not.
Overall, I loved this poem! It's deep and certainly cryptic, but also very realistic. And you've used the metaphor quite well. I really hope this review helped you. Keep writing!
-Day