Amethyst Night - The Secrets of Nightingale Academy - Prologue

Hey, Amethyst! The name's Storm, and I have the pleasure of reviewing for you tonight. ^-^

Because all of your previous reviewers (This work is evidently popular! Haha) have already broken down the grammar and punctuation, I shall leave that subject untouched otherwise you'll grow bored of these edits. xP So, here we go!

I noticed in the first paragraph that you moved into second person, drawing away from third. "Earlier you could have heard the sounds of children playing as their parents ran errands in the shops, now the streets were empty and the shops closed." Instead of writing "you", replace it with "Earlier, one could have heard ..." This way also adds a sense of formality, don't you think? Also, just to throw this in there, your introductory paragraph grasped my attention with its details and foreboding tone.

"... the sound of the panicked footsteps of a young woman ... " Try removing one of those "of"s to smooth out this line a bit. Maybe switch it to: "The peace was shattered as panicked footsteps echoed hollowly throughout the streets, gradually growing closer." But to whom were the footsteps getting closer to? You haven't introduced another character at this point for the nearness of sound to relate to, so I'd remove that last part altogether.

"'This is Jane,' the immaculately dressed one informed her." At this point, you have already used the description "immaculately dressed" three times. On this third time, switch it up! Refrain from repeating descriptions in such close proximity with one another.

I must say that you have an interesting beginning with this work, but it moves at an odd pace, starting slightly sluggish then rapidly picking up until the point where I grew slightly confused... Where did the bang come from? And why did you say, "the figure watched" instead of "a figure"? You never mentioned a strange figure before that point.

Anyways, Ame, overall I truly believe you have sculpted a nice framework for the rest of your book, giving yourself lots of room to work around this prologue. Hope to see more from you! As always: Write on, and have a lovely Review Day!

---Stormsie

Hey there!

I went back and began reading this after Chapter 10 was posted. I wanted to catch up.

It seems everyone has already nit-picked the grammar to heck; so I'll try and offer a review on the pacing and content and such.

I felt like the beginning was a little slow, the descriptions inferred the ordeal was slow moving, when in fact I think it was supposed to be fast-paced. You can fix this by taking any unnecessary detail out and focusing on the action.

The middle part was good. However, I believe that maybe you should fix some of the characters reactions to each other and to the situation at hand. It felt rushed and I wasn't able to connect with the characters. There weren't many quirks mentioned.

On that note, a good way to show importance to something or someone is to show other character (or objects) reactions to that something or someone. I feel as though the baby is important, but It wasn't stressed enough. It was just kind of an afterthought.

I was very confused at the end, I recognize that it ends in a cliff hanger. But, I wasn't sure if the dude was a bad guy or not. There weren't any reactions to his presence being there. And in my head, I felt like they were all on the same team, and in the middle of a chase scene. So the just walking behind a corner slowly and getting blasted by something didn't feel very correct to me.

I'm sure I'll know more as I continue to read.

So in the end, it was very good! Obviously because I'm going to continue to read, so you succeeded! Congratulations.

Hey Amey! I'm gonna do a quick review.

For at this hour nobody would be in a street like this.

Consider revising this sentence, because 'this' is repetitive. You might want to say, "For at this hour, no one would dare visit (name of street here)."

[i]Two women on a broom stick landed noiselessly on the cobbles. [i]

This is no big deal, but 'cobbles' at the end is unnecessary. I brought this out to drop one of the most helpful writing tips I've ever received: let the reader make inferences when they are obvious. For instance, if the witches were landing on the roof, then it's necessary to tell the reader they landed on the roof. If they landed on a dumpster, tell them that. But if they are just landing on the street, you can let the reader infer that by saying they landed.

This is an excellent prologue. It ends in a cliff hanger, like all good prologues do. That suspense will propel the reader into the first chapter. Hopefully, the last question you raised will be answered, but of course, you will keep that morsel until the end of chapter one, where you raise an even bigger question.

Nicely structured, keep up the good work!

I'm reading your prologue a little late, well very late actually. I don't know if anyone noticed this, but you spelled cobbles wrong the second time. You spelled it cobles. Unless she tripped on fishing boats, which I highly doubt. You also spelled weak, week. 'Emily gave her a week smile' instead it should be 'Emily gave her a weak smile'. Done nitpicking!

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It is really well written and has good details. I'll read the rest of what is written so far because I really like this one.

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Hi Amethyst! I'm here as part of the Green Lanterns Team to review your chapter for this fine review day!

I will review as I read so I can get all my ideas out as I go! Hopefully it will make perfect sense to you...

Here we go!

I love the description in your first paragraph. It's really clear and puts us right in the street with you. I can just imagine that golden glow of the street lamps.

I also love that you've complemented your first descriptive paragraph and thrown us straight into some action. I'm on the edge of my seat! Maybe you could mention something about the taping of her shoes on the pavement echoing off the buildings. Just a suggestion.

Oh wow! I didn't see the broomsticks coming apart but I'm never one to complain at a magical twist.

What a great cliffhanger to end it on. I don't really have any complaints about this! I agree with barefootrunner where she says, What did the bang come from? I think you need to make this a little clearer and then you're away!

It isn't the most original way to start a story like this but I have every faith that you're going to go on and do something completely different!

I'm excited to read the following chapters!

Olive <3

Hi there! Happy review day

Okay, I've got a quick review for a quick piece! I didn't have much to complain of about this piece, but there is one problem. You may be over and under-describing events.

The first paragraph is full of over-descriptions like: "They had been bustling with people only a few minutes ago, but now lay still and quiet." Still and quiet are the same thing, so one can be deleted.
"bitter cold wind" is too much. Just bitter already implies that it is cold!
A lot of the description is over-embroidered, using simple words, but long explanations, where one or two beautiful words could have sufficed, like "dank alley" or shadowy, dismal or gloomy. You need to focus on using strong words, like "mount" instead of "get on" etc.

You also under-describe later when there is a bang. Where is the bang? Is it at the broomstick? Is it from the child? Is it from somewhere else? Is someone attacking them or what? There needs to be some more description and clarification so that the readers can really see what is going on!

Just keep writing!

barefootrunner

This is quite good. I can tell instantly that this story is about the discovery of a young girls true identity. I have to say, there are a few stories like this out there so it is very cliched and reminds me of Harry Potter. (That, of course, is a sign that I might like this story as I'm a fantasy writer and fan.) Good luck with the rest of the story!

~Maria Rowlands

Whoooa.
I'm reading this after reading your first two chapters and I'm still confused. It's a great prologue, having the mystery that a prologue should, as well as making a lot of questions in the reader's head.

Immaculately written, yet again, Amethyst, but I ask that you proof-read your writing one more time than you usually do, as I did notice a couple of mistakes, such as:
'alley ways behind her and startled.'

Also, instead of 'tears coming to her eyes', I reckon 'tears forming in her eyes' would be a better way of saying it.

I love this, and am sure to read more of your incredible handiwork

Interesting story,( Prologue, whatever.) I like the mysterious suspense way you put every thing. I also liked how you made it seem as if you were IN London. I liked it. There is very little bad to say about this, except it could be a little longer, but I liked it. Keep on writing, and don't give up!!!

Hi! This is a great prologue and I can tell that the rest of the story will be very good! You are a brilliant writer!

I actually have no criticism for you because I could not find a single error in this piece. I love your description and your characters. This seems like an interesting plot line and I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

Sydni x

This is a great prologue! You have given us a nice little taste of what we can expect for this story in terms of your description style, which I love by the way! There is a lovely amount detail ; not too much and not too little. The scene of a modern day London as well as being dark and lonely makes a nice combination which is almost Victorian-like. I really that as a background as it complements the witch genre in my opinion. You already have me engrossed in the characters. I wish that Emily is ok even though we think she is most likely dead. I am looking forward to reading the next part and hearing how the little baby turns out. Only negative bit I can mention is that in your first paragraph I personally think you shouldn't reuse the word 'though' again so soon. If you start the sentence from 'earlier' it still flows really nicely. Or you can just leave it as it is, it still makes sense!

As I have already mentioned you have got me interested already and this is beautiful teaser for what we have to look forward to!

Keep up the good work! ~ Valkyrie