Family
The bell rang and Parker and the rest of the class gathered their things and started leaving the classroom. I remained where I was and waited for whatever lecture it was I was about to be subjected to, but there was nothing but silence. I looked up at the front of the classroom and saw Mr Keats putting things away in drawers, wondering if he had forgotten about me, or if he was pretending that I didn’t exist. I shifted awkwardly in my seat, considering weather I should speak or leave. I closed my book and picked it up, holding it a few centimetres above the desk, and then I dropped it. It made a satisfying thud and Mr Keats turned his head to look at me. There was a moment where neither of us moved, which was quite unsettling for me seeing as my hands were still hovering in the air making it look quite obvious that I had dropped the book on purpose. Then he straightened up and focussed on me.
“You are Amethyst Night?” he said in a questioning tone. There was a pause. “Well?”
I realised that I was supposed to respond and said, “Yes,” nodding to emphasise the word.
“So you are the only daughter of the Night house hold?” he continued.
I nodded again. “I suppose I am, yes.”
“Do you have any idea how much danger that puts you in?”
I furrowed my brow, suddenly getting a very familiar feeling that there was something that I wasn’t being told again. “Why would I be in danger?”
Realisation seemed todawn on Mr Keats’s face at that moment and mixed with a horrified look. He turned back to tidying away his things. “You may leave now,” he said.
I stood up, picking up my books and walking towards the door. I had a horrible feeling that an opportunity like this wouldn’t come again, so I stopped at the door and turned back to Mr Keats. “Who’s Gabriel Night?” I asked. Mr Keats didn’t respond, just continued to tidy away his things. I turned back to the door and opened it. “It’s my family,” I shouted down at the floor. “I have a right to know.”
I was aware of the fact that it had gone silent behind me, as if he had stopped moving. Ignoring that realisation, I ran out into the empty hallway, letting the door swing shut behind me. I ran along the corridors, slightly surprised that I didn’t encounter anyone else and practically fell into the common room for the top group dorms, unable to hold back my hysteria any longer. It was incredibly frustrating how hard it was to get some privacy in this school and I was glad that I could finally spend some time expressing my frustrations to thin air. I knelt on the floor, pausing to let the door swing shut. Then I just screamed, letting all my anger flow out with the shrill note I had created.
“It’s not fair,” I yelled at an arm chair, not sure who I was pretending it was. “It’s my family. I have the right to know.”
Naturally, the chair didn’t respond, making me feel a little stupid for screaming at it, but I still managed to obtain a certain satisfaction from shouting until my throat was sore. The secrets being kept from me were apparently dangerous and no one seemed to care that, if I was really in danger, I might find it helpful to know why. I was being kept in the dark and that angered me. I was being laughed at and talked about and that embarrassed me. I was getting snippets of information about the evil in my family and that frightened me. I wanted to know what was going on. For now, though, I would just have to hold on, sit tight and put up with only being able to vent my frustrations in childish stupid ways like shouting at innocent armchairs.
I got to my feet and ditched my books in my room before grabbing my broom and making my way to the courtyard. By the time I arrived the lesson had all ready started and Leo, my guardian angel, had explained to the teacher where I was. The rest of the class were busy doing some sort of obstacle course made up of floating apparatus and smoke arrows pointing the way, leaving the teacher free to talk to me. She took me over to one side of the courtyard, a part that was more secluded than the rest.
“Put your broom on the ground,” she instructed. I dropped my broom on the ground beside my feet. “Now you simply have to command your broom to fly into your hand.”
I looked down at Whirl Wind, holding my hand out over the handle of the broom and said, “Up.” There was no response. “Rise.” Still no response. “Fly. Move. Do something.” The broom still refused to move even slightly.
“You’ll get the hang of it eventually,” the teacher said, walking off towards the rest of the class. “When you do, let me know.”
I watched her leave, feeling slightly helpless as she grew further and further away from me. Then I looked back down at my broom. “It’s just you and me,” I said softly. “You chose me, remember, so we’re stuck together. Everyone else is so far away from us.” I crouched down by Whirl Wind’s side. “I kind of wish I could get at least slightly closer to them.”
I could sense something in the back of my mind, resonating with my thoughts and words. I stood up slowly and just stared down at my broom, feeling the presence in my mind growing slowly stronger. I raised my hand from my side and felt a tingling sensation in my finger tips followed by a sudden weight in my hand, as if I was trying to lift something. Whirl Wind’s bristles started to spread out, some being pulled closer to me, and then the broom itself lifted slightly off of the ground. It immediately fell back to the ground again. Encouraged by the small amount of progress I continued urging the broom towards me. I ended up standing on the courtyard all lesson, pleading with my broom to no prevail. All the while everyone else performed different exercises and tricks that, though they looked incredibly difficult, Parker made look as easy as putting one foot in front of the other. He seemed to improve with every second, frustratingly. Occasionally I heard the snide comments coming from Celia and Sophia but chose to ignore them, knowing that if I listened to them properly it would only serve to discourage me. Instead I concentrated on Whirl Wind and let nothing else matter to me. Before I knew it, the lesson had ended and Leo was walking towards me.
“Come on, we should go get some lunch,” he said.
He bent down and picked up Whirl Wind, gesturing for me to follow him as he walked back towards the school. We entered the hall after everybody else, taking our seats as people cheerfully greeted Leo and scowled at me.
“Speak of the devil,” Parker said as I pulled my chair under.
I couldn’t help but panic a little when I thought what were you saying?
“Mr Keats was looking for you,” Gemini said gleefully.
“Why?” I asked, looking to Fey.
“Because you completely failed at making the potion in class today,” Gemini said before Fey could answer. “So now you have to do it again and if you fail you’ll get minus marks.”
“Gemini,” Fey admonished him. “You have to remake any potions that you don’t complete to a certain standard.”
I took a plate and a sandwich from the middle of the table and looked to Leo. “What are minus marks?” I asked.
He smiled. “Depending on your grades and behaviour you get marks next to your name. Good grades and behaviour equal plus marks and bad grades and behaviour equal minus marks,” he explained. “At the end of the year there are awards and stuff.”
I nodded, taking a bite out of my sandwich and then attempting to speak. “Sho all I haf ‘o do ish make the ‘otion righ’ thish chime,” I said, holding my hand over my sandwich filled mouth and hoping that the others understood what I’d said.
“You make it sound so easy,” Parker said mockingly, taking a bite out of his sandwich as if to show me how to eat properly.
I shot him a dirty look.
“I could help you learn it, if you like,” Fey offered.
I smiled, swallowing before I spoke this time, and said, “Thank you. That would be helpful.”
I was suddenly aware of someone standing behind me.
“Amethyst,” Serena called out to me. I turned round to look at her. “Your first lesson is at the end of school today. Come straight after class, don’t be late and meet me at my house.”
She turned and walked out of the hall before I could reply.
“Holy...”
“Gemini!” Fey interrupted before he could finish.
“Why, is the Wicked Witch of the West Woods talking to you again?” he asked seeming almost appalled by the thought.
“Because, from now on, she is going to be tutoring me to help me catch up,” I said, taking pleasure from the words.
“She’s going to be tutoring you?” Gemini said.
“How convenient,” Parker commented snidely.
I turned on him. “Oh and why’s that?” I snapped.
An arrogant smile spread across his face. “She never takes students and has turned down every single person who asked her. Yet, when the last daughter of the Night family appears, all of a sudden she’s taking on students again.”
I snapped, sending my chair flying backwards so that it almost fell over when I stood up and banging my fists down on the table. “Serena isn’t like that,” I snarled at him. “Don’t assume that just because you judge people by their names everyone else does too. Besides, I bet you’re just jealous. I guess she turned you down then.”
I turned away and stormed out of the hall, not stopping when Leo and Fey called after me; my face slowly growing warmer and, most likely, redder by the minute was reason enough to get out of there as quickly as I could. I had to admit that I slightly regretted screaming at him like that, though it was mostly because he had a lot of supporters in our dorms. I’d left myself vulnerable to some sort of revenge attack, but it was too late to take back what I’d said so I simply relished the feeling of finally telling him just what I thought of him. I was lost in a world of my own, walking at a quick pace down a crowded corridor, so it’s no wonder that I ended up walking straight into someone as they rounded the corner. It was a guy about two years older than me, with pale skin and dark black hair to contrast. I collided head first with his chest, tripped over my own feet and landed in his arms. My face turned an even brighter shade of red than it all ready was and I quickly got back my footing before I embarrassed myself further.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Are you all right?” he asked. Though his voice carried genuine concern his face remained completely neutral.
“Um...Yeah. Sorry,” I stuttered.
His face lit up with a smile, which came as a surprise after seeing his unaffected expression before. “Good.” He furrowed his brow and looked closely at me before saying the words I had seen coming. “You’re Amethyst Night, right?”
“Everybody says that,” I said without thinking.
His smile returned to him. “Sorry. There are a lot of people talking about you.”
“Oh?”
“You’ve managed to make a lot of enemies in a short space of time.”
“Ryan,” someone called out from across the courtyard.
He turned to look and I followed his gaze. Another boy, one or two years older than me, was waving frantically at us and running in our direction. I recognised him as being the boy who had warned me to stay away from the West Woods.
“Oh my god,” he exclaimed as he got closer. “You’re with Amethyst Night.”
I scowled at him, but he kept smiling the way a village idiot might.
“Are you getting to know the wonderful Ryan, Miss Night?” he asked.
Ignoring him, I turned to the guy I’d bumped into. “Ryan,” I said smiling. “So that’s your name.”
He nodded. “It’s nice to meet you Amethyst.”
“Nice to meet you too,” I turned to the other boy, who was still grinning at me. “And you too, I guess. I have to put my broom away. Bye.”
I slipped past them and made my way in the direction of the dormitories. They were empty, seeing as most people were still at lunch, so I managed to slip in and put my broom in my room without being bothered by anyone. By the time I came back out of my room, a pile of books in my hands, that had changed. A lot of people seemed to have gathered in the common room and they were having some sort of meeting. I stopped in the corridor that led to the bedrooms from the common room and peeked through the slightly ajar door.
“At this rate she’ll drag Phoenix’s grades down with her,” Celia moaned.
I realised instantly that they were talking about me.
“She even had a go at you for no apparent reason,” she continued.
“She had a good reason,” Fey said.
“Whose side are you on, Fey?” Celia asked.
“I’m not on anyone’s side,” Fey objected. “There are no sides. Amethyst has just as much of a right to be here as any of us.”
“Well that depends,” Parker said. “If she is going to take after her family then I don’t think she has a right to be here.”
There was the sound of skin making contact with skin and I realised that Fey had slapped Parker.
“That’s enough,” she snapped at him. “You need to stop this, Phoenix. You can’t blame Amethyst for the actions of a family she never even knew.”
My cheeks were heating up and I knew that I was probably turning bright red. It was difficult to deal with the feeling I got every time I heard someone talking about me, especially when they were talking to someone like Fey. I moved away from the door, heading back up the corridor and just hoping that nobody came through the door and saw me.
“You’ve heard the rumours,” Parker continued. “How can we be sure that she’s as clueless as she says she is?”
“We can’t,” Fey said. “We just trust her.”
“Well I’m sorry,” Parker said. “I’m afraid that I’m just not that good at that.”
I opened the door to mine and Fey’s room and dropped my books onto my bed. I wondered just how much everybody knew, and why I was the only one who wasn’t allowed to know, about my family. Having people talk about you behind your back, gossip about you, saying things about your family, it’s a sickening feeling. Having those things said to your friends is worse. The more I heard about my family, the less it seemed like I knew. My body ached from exhaustion and I wasn’t sure how much longer my mind could cope with having the dreams and not knowing what they meant.
“It’s my family,” I muttered to myself. “I have a right to know.”
“So you really don’t know?”
I spun round, suddenly realising that I hadn’t closed the door behind me. Parker was stood in the corridor just outside my room watching me. I peered round the doorjamb and saw that there was no one else in the corridor.
“I left early,” he confirmed. “The others are still arguing about it.”
Realising it was pointless to lie and say that I didn’t know what he was talking about, I leant against the doorjamb and watched my feet shuffling awkwardly on the floor. “It’s not like I was eavesdropping,” I said slightly defensively.
Parker moved forward a step or two and leaned forward so that his face was close to mine. “At least now we both know exactly what we think about each other,” he whispered, making it sound like he was hissing.
“Why do you hate me?” I asked.
“Because it’s people like you, from families like yours that think that having a little power means you can do whatever you want.”
I backed away so that he could see my face clearly. “You’re assuming that I’m the sort of person who thinks that way.”
“Why else would you come all the way to a school like this, leaving behind all your friends and family and the life you made for yourself, and put up with the fact that everybody hates you other than to inherit the position and power that comes with being a Night?”
For a moment I couldn’t think of what to say. All the thoughts in my head started to muddle themselves up and make it hard for me to think properly. It seemed like nothing I said would get through to this guy. Words weren’t working, so I turned around and picked up the picture on my side unit. By the time I got back to Parker a crowd was starting to gather at the door as people realised I was here. I held out the picture and Parker took it, hesitating for only a moment.
“That picture is a picture of the woman who is my only family. She was all I had my entire life. I don’t care how much money or power the Night household has because they didn’t raise me. I don’t want their inheritance; I simply want to know who they are.” I paused, taking a moment to force back my tears and calm down. When I started talking again I managed not to shout at him and stop my voice from shaking with anger. “So even after I find out, I will be going back home to her. Say you don’t believe me if you want, I really don’t care. I have a reason to be here, so I will put up with even pricks like you as long as I can do what I came here to do.”
I took the photo from his hands and put it back on the dresser before picking up my books and pushing my way out of my room and through the corridor. No one tried to stop me as I left the dormitory and no one followed me afterwards. I walked through the corridors of the school in an undisturbed state of deep thought. My mind jumped back and forth from Parker to my family, unable to focus on figuring out what his problem was or what other people’s problem with my family was. The whole thing was becoming just a little too confusing and it was giving me a headache, so I decided to file it away in another section of my brain while I focussed on another, slightly more prominent problem – my anger potion retest. This problem was slightly easier to deal with; the first step was to ask for Serena’s help.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there! I've got another late review for you.
The first thing I want to say is that I don't have much to say. At this stage I'm just eager to see the story play out!
The more you write, the more you improve. Your grammar issues have faded to mere shadows, your character development is flowering and your plot is thickening with every chapter. Now you need to do a little more. Widen your perspective. I'm going to show you a few time-tricks.
See your writing as a lens which you can focus and zoom at will. Zoom out:
The summer heat beat down on Amethyst's back as she trudged across the grounds.
Zoom in:
Sweat beaded on her brow, but not because of the heat. Her encounter with Phoenix had left her feeling hot and flustered.
Zoom that lens! Place the reader in a frame and then zoom in. Show that it is midday. Show that it is frosty winter, or that it is still the same week, or whatever amount of time is passing. This keeps the reader in the correct timeframe and makes sure that the correct amount of time has passed in both your mind as well as theirs. It makes the world solid and finite.
You are already in chapter 10, and yet mere days have passed. You might even want to cover an entire year in your book, like HP. To make time flow faster without making the plot race, some days can be uneventful and scudded over, as in:
She spent the afternoon trying to find out something—anything—about anger potions, but everything in her textbook seemed to be inexplicably complex.
That just covered the entire afternoon in a few words. This sort of technique will allow you to make more time pass while keeping the plot slow.
So play with your time to help build your world. Combine time with descriptions, scenery, actions to hide it.
Enjoy! Don't stop writing!
barefoot
Thank you again. I will deffinitely look at the zoom in thing to show the time passing. I know that it seems strange that 10 chapters in only days have passed but a lot happens in the first few days and the whole book actually only takes place over the first school term, up to December time. The time period for the first three books in this series is actually only a year so things happen in a very short space of time. I'll make sure to look at how to show the time passing well. ^-^
Decided to redo the review. I didn't feel like I got my point across, while still expressing the awesomeness I was feeling.
This story is awesome. Pure and simple. Harry Potter fans can love it and connect with it, yet it's still different enough to still require imagination whilst reading. Amethyst is an amazing character, whom is very well fleshed out and has a definite opinion and viewpoint and I enjoy finding out how she reacts to the things that go on around her.
I really loved the family matters in his chapter. I like how you aren't afraid to make her feel hurt or angry in-front of other people, and I like when she completely loses it and gets mad. She has been making plenty of mistakes and that's awesome.
I wish you would give more content! Slow down the pace and really flesh out your world. That doesn't mean spending forever describing every plant in the room, but rather providing more details than can potentially pay off later. So maybe mentioning how she randomly hears a student talking about a ghost or something. Then in maybe 3 or 4 chapters, have that resurface. It provides depth to the world and makes it feel real, and alive.
Hope this one was better.
Blessings.
Thanks for the review.
I've never read the Harry Potter Series, so this, to me, was creative and unique. Others may complain that you are copying, but I don't think so.
This story has some very long sentences. I couldn't wrap my mind around all of the information this story was trying to force-feed me at one time. It would be better to break it down into shorter, simpler sentences.
example:
This should turn into something like this:
You see what a difference it can make?
Hope this helped.
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Thank you.
I like Amethyst Night and I like the Craft school setting; even though we've all got JK Rowlings to thank for the instant allusions to Harry Potter whenever anyone even thinks of writing in that direction. *grumbles*
One thing I do note, is the long sentences you have. I point this out because with first person POV, your reader has to get in the character's head. It's hard to follow and pay attention to all the details being portrayed. For example:
I ended up standing on the courtyard all lesson, pleading with my broom to no prevail, while everyone else performed different exercises and tricks that, though they looked incredibly difficult, Parker made look as easy as putting one foot in front of the other, and all the while, I was highly aware of the fact that they were moving farther and farther away and I was simply standing still.
I, as the reader, and forced to split my focus between the broom, everyone else, Parker, and her emotional distress...all at the same time.
Ahaha. Wow. I never realised how long they were. Thank you. I will deffinitely look back over this.