1. My City:
Let me tell you about my city
where the skies are red as blood
and the stars are afraid to shine
no one can enter
no one can leave.
2. parting words:
Til death do we part
as much as I try to stop you
as much as I try to keep you around
your life is up to you
so til death do we part
and even then, I'll still be with you
3. Promises:
Don't ever leave me
don't ever say goodbye
that's the promise we made to each other
yet I'm afraid
afraid that you'll break it.
4. What are you?
A lover you are not
a sibling you are
yet you appear to me in my dreams
I look inwards and ask, "who is most important?"
and I see you
you are someone worth living for.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
Hey Asriel, coming in with a review for this amazing collection!
This is such a strong group of poems you have here. Although they’re short, they really pack a punch with their message. I’ll just number my reviews below so you know which poem I’m referencing.
1.This poem has such evocative imagery. I can immediately picture the blood-red sky and how it brings a sense of doom to this city. You further bring in the sense of repression when you talk about the stars that are afraid to shine--and it immediately makes me think of a person who is afraid to be themself. Unfortunately, this is a place where a lot of people live--a gloomy and dark city where they cannot be their true selves. You capture that perfectly.
2.I love how the title adds a new meaning to this poem--telling someone how you’ll always be with them, but in a more gloomy way rather than a happy way. I will say, the second and third lines confuse me a little--they juxtapose each other, and I can’t tell whether the narrator wants this person around or not. Perhaps you could add some more words to the second line, like “as much as I try to stop you from leaving” or even “as much as I try to stop you from staying” to further emphasize the contradiction if that’s what you are going for.
3. I love this poem, it really shows the feeling of paranoia in a relationship to me. Maybe you could put the first two lines in quotation marks, just to show that that is the promise you are referencing. I also feel like the repetition of “afraid” doesn’t add much to the poem, it makes it seem a little redundant.
4.This one is my favorite, it really captures how familial and platonic relationships can mean just as much as romantic ones! We see immediately that the narrator does not think of this person as a lover but still cares about them and is living for them. I would have loved to see this one expanded more, perhaps describing the narrator’s relationship with this person and how they are motivating them to keep living.
Overall, I really enjoyed this collection! You are so great at poetry and I can’t wait to see what else you create.
<3, Meenal (theromanticchemist)
Hello there
I really love how you set up this poem rate from the start. I feel like the description of the sky is so vivid, and it really draws me in right away! As I read, I feel the growing sense of gloom. You talk about how no one can enter, or leave. That can be a nice thing, I guess, but also, when you mention how the stars are afraid to shine, that makes me feel like this is a place to be trapped.
I really love the simplicity of your words, but they still feel powerful. Overall, I get the sense of not wanting to be left alone or deserted by someone who means something to you. It seems like you made a promise to stay and not give up. This promise is incredibly important and I love how you continue this theme throughout the entire poem. The continuity gave it a nice touch.
This last stanza was my favorite part of the whole poem. We realize that this person who you have been talking about is not a lover, but they are a sibling instead. It seems like when you reflect on them, they bring you a lot of strength, and that they are actually the promise that you've made all along. I love this! The only suggestion I have is changing "inwards" to "inward". I liked reading this and I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future! Have a great day.
Your friend,
Ellie
Hey, its Angela here to leave a review!
First impressions:
Wow! I love these poems! They perfectly exhibit what is beautifully amazing about poetry. You can talk about whatever you want, however you want, and find people who understand and appreciate the beauty of them. This is what poetry is about. There are next to no rules when it comes to poetry (especially since free-verse is becoming so popular), and it's neat seeing how other people use this freedom.
More in depth breakdown:
Okay, first things first, the first poem. The imagery is amazing, and is used beautifully to get the real meaning across. "The stars are afraid to shine" is my favorite line, and the personification is used very well.
My favorite poem overall is "what are you?". It's a very relatable poem, especially for those who have siblings. I love how it addresses the love siblings feel for each other (you are someone worth living for"), but additionally addresses the absence of love there can be with sibling relationships ("A lover you are not"). Finally, though many people may not realize or believe titles of poems matter or are important, I personally believe they are very important. Your title in this poem, "what are you?" also gives insight to the confusion and/or wonder siblings have for each other.
Final words:
Your poems are beautiful and capture the raw, beautifully imperfect way that life is. Keep writing!