z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Fighter's Block

by AlyTheBookworm


Just something short and quick that I wrote for fun on Fighter's Block (A game meant to help with writer's block. It's pretty fun- you should check it out if you're have trouble writing). I don't usually write goofy stuff like this, but I enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you think.

Also, the characters and places are from the game.

~

A pale, dark-haired mage made her way through the darkness of the Blocky Forest. Short and green-eyed, Red had a clever, mischievous look about her.

Now, she had traded her typical impish grin for an annoyed frown.

She cursed as her ruby-colored cloak got caught on a thistle- causing her to stumble. Muttering under her breath, she pulled it free- hoping it hadn't left a hole.

No such luck. She glanced down to see a tiny tear in the fabric.

"Arrgh!" she exclaimed. "I know it fits the whole monster theme, but what's with all these freaking thorns?!"

Suddenly, there was a rustling in the branches ahead. Red immediately fell silent, her grip on the glowing green mage's staff tightening in anticipation.

Here it was- the beast she'd spent the last few weeks hunting down. The beast, so infamous that the stories had traveled hundreds of miles from the nearby tiny, stick-and-mud hunting village to her own lands and her lovely hometown of Somewhereshire.

A large, dark shape appeared in the mist and entered into the light of the mage's staff, it was-

An... egg?

"What the flip is this?" Red said incredulously.

"How rude," whined a snobbish voice. The voice seemed to echo from the gnarled trees surrounding them. That magic trick would have been quite mysterious and intimidating if the voice itself wasn't so prissy-sounding.

Red inspected the carnivorous beast she had been hunting for so long.

Now that it was closer, she could see that it was indeed an oblong or egg-like shape. Draped in a thin midnight-blue veil with golden tassels (which looked more tacky than mysterious), it floated an inch above a knotted mass of tree roots.

Its surface emitted a light blue glow, and a single gummy, red eye blinked open in the center of the oblong and glared at Red.

She couldn't help it- she snickered.

"What are you laughing at, imbecile?" the oblong's voice boomed from around them.

"Oh- oh, I'm sorry," said Red between giggles. "I was just expecting something... different. Scarier? The stories mentioned something ten feet tall- with claws!"

Before the oblong could react, Red stopped laughing long enough to finish what she was saying. "Anyways- I certainly wasn't expecting a giant blue egg in a lady's scarf!"

If the oblong had a face, it would probably be red with anger and embarassment. Instead, its big gummy, red eye rolled around.

"That's enough, mage! I am not an EGG- I am called Not-A-Block, and all shall fear my wrath!"

It added in a wounded tone, "And it's not a lady's scarf! It's an oracle's enchanting cloth. I bought it from this wizard at a great price-" The blue light blinked suddenly. "Argh! Why am I wasting time talking to you, silly little mage! Get out of my way! I'm going to destroy that pesky village."

Red lifted her staff. "No thanks! I spent three weeks traveling to get to this ugly little wood and I'm not leaving until I defeat the beast..."

"Even if you are just an egg in a lady's scarf," she added with a mischievous grin.

Not-A-Block hovered, its great red eye rolling angrily.

"That's the last straw, mage!"

The egg's eye began to glow a bright blood-red, and lightning crackled around it. The low buzzing of electricity filled the air.

Red swiftly brought up her staff and shouted a spell. Just in time, a ghostly blue shield erected itself around her and blocked Not-A-Block's magic attack. A shaft of blinding white lightning hit Red's shield and bounced off into the air harmlessly. The light left a fuzzy red after-image in her vision whenever she blinked.

"That all you got, you big fat egg?" she shouted.

Not-A-Block's growl resounded through the clearing.

It began to glow again, and Red could tell it was preparing to shoot more lightning at her. Before it could get the chance, she ran forward and swung her staff in an arc. A wave of sharp green shards materialized in the air and flew towards Not-A-Block.

The oblong rolled in mid-air and dodged the magic shards. It began to roll towards Red, its surface glowing brighter than ever and the tassels whipping back and forth as it approached her.

With a jab of panic, Red jumped to the side and managed to avoid getting crushed. She stumbled over a tree root- "Those FREAKING ROOTS!"- and fell into a thornbush.

"Ouch, oww!"

Luckily, her red cloak had shielded her arms and face from the thorns. She unclipped it and sprang to her feet, leaving the cloak hopelessly tangled in thorns.

Not-A-Block laughed gleefully, then boomed, "All shall know the name of Not-A-"

Red swung her staff again, letting loose another barrage of jagged green shards. This time, the oblong was so busy gloating that it wasn't prepared. Turning just in time to see the projectiles flying towards it, its big red eye widened.

"Nooooo-!"

The egg-shaped monster was hit by Red's magic attack and shattered. Like the fancy porcelain vase Red had pushed over as a toddler, Not-A-Block broke into a million glittering pieces. The pieces fell to the ground in a heap, along with the tasseled midnight-blue veil.

Red walked over to the monster's remains and poked through the cloth with her staff- just to make sure the thing was dead. She suddenly felt something wriggle under the veil, and something very small and very angry climbed out from underneath the broken pieces.

It was an ugly, blue chick with one fat, gummy red eye. It squeaked angrily, then stumbled off into the dark woods in an attempt to regain some dignity.

"What do you know? You really were an egg."

Red laughed, picked her tattered cloak from the thornbushes, and turned to leave. She had ended the egg's tyranny and turned it into a harmless chick- her work here was done.

"On to the next adventure," Red said to herself.


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Sun Sep 16, 2018 2:15 pm
thedevinhiggins wrote a review...



Hello!

First things first, I love the way Red has a distinct character that is kept consistent throughout the work, i.e. her voice, her actions, her attitude.

I also love the consistent pace that is successfully maintained. It really kept me engaged.

However, I do agree with Zoom that you do overuse adjectives. It does kind of interrupt the flow of the story.

On the other hand, I love the imagery! It was so vivid, and I could so clearly imagine it happening as if it was right in front of me!

This is about it with my review. Keep writing, please!






Thanks for the review :)
I do have to work on being more concise, definitely!



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Sun Sep 16, 2018 8:48 am
Fantascifi66 says...



Loved it!!! I could imagine this happening right beside me! I loved how you described Red, and how the egg got offended, everything! Keep it up!!

By the way, this was supposed to be a review, but im not a really good at this yet, but i Loooove reading English very much so thank you for this!






Thanks for the comment Fanta! :)

(Btw, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here)



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Tue Sep 11, 2018 3:14 pm
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hey Aly,

I really like your writing style. You have a nice pace and you’re just a very well-rounded writer in general!

Two small comments:

that it was indeed an oblong or egg-like shape


Oblongs are rectangles, and eggs are not rectangles, so I dislike that you’re giving me the choice of two completely different shapes here. It’s clear that you mean egg after this, so maybe ditch the word oblong from this story as it’s confusing?

"That all you got, you big fat egg?" she shouted.


LOL this was my favourite line in the story. It was so rude haha.

Overall, I enjoyed this. I liked that after hunting the egg for so long, it turned out to be something that looked so non-threatening haha, and how Red had to literally compose herself and stop laughing at it. She seems sassy and confident, and I loved the banter she had with the egg whilst fighting it.

One reoccurring issue I did have with your writing style was the overuse of adjectives. You’re so greedy with descriptions lol. I’ll find you some example of what I mean. Usually you repeat the same structure, which is texture or size + colour:

glowing green mage's staff

Draped in a thin midnight-blue veil

its big gummy, red eye


There are a lot more but here are a few examples. The last one has three adjectives in a row. I think you could be more honest with yourself about how many descriptions you need.

But that’s not really a big deal, overall. Just something I noticed.

If you post anything in the future feel free to tag me.

Thanks

-Zoom






Thanks for the review Zoom!
Yeah, I'm actually not a fan of the word oblong either. I was using the description of Not-A-Block from the game this short is based on, but I probably should've just changed it and went with what felt right. And yes- very true! I am greedy with descriptive language. It's one of my favorite things in writing, but I need to learn to become more concise. Thanks again for reading and reviewing. :)




ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina