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Young Writers Society



Before I Fall

by AlyTheBookworm


So this is how I die?

Weak rays of sunlight spiraled above me … swirling just out of reach. My body drifted- slowly sinking down into the icy darkness that pressed in on me. Water flooded my mouth, my lungs. I barely felt the pain as my oxygen ran out- streaming upwards in clouds of silvery bubbles that caught the light as they danced away from me.

Outstretched hands, slowly reaching up… reaching for something that was no longer there. My vision flickered- and faded away to complete darkness. Not darkness even.

Simply… nothing.

~

Death is not what I expected it to be.

You expect something more, somehow, when your world is stolen from you. Memories, dreams, lives you’ve touched, the imprint- however small- you left on the places and people you leave behind… all gone. I had imagined it to be more.. impressive. Not that Auri Herself would be waiting, but definitely something other than all of this nothing.

It wasn’t as dramatic as I would’ve liked. Always wanted to go out in an explosive way. Figured that would be the only way I’d be remembered.

But spirits above... did anyone know who I was? Did anyone even know my name in the end?

With a flicker of surprise, I realized that I didn’t even have a heartbeat. Dead, remember?

I inspected the gloom around me... if that’s how it could be described. It wasn’t true darkness- but not light either. Just an endless expanse of nothing.

Guess it’s not much worse than where I was, huh?

I still remembered the desperate screams, the raging fires, the clash of metal on metal… Nineteen years of terror. Always running from something… running, running, running. So much work to stay alive. But in the end, what kind of life had that been? Nineteen miserable years of pain and fear.

I feel a bit cheated.

By the end, I didn’t have anything. No family, nobody to call friend- Vallas made sure of that. Nothing actually belonged to me. If I could cry I would have. Probably would’ve been sobbing it all out. It was rather unfair that my phantom body was incapable of that.

But… God. Gentle Auri…

At least now… I can find rest.

I suddenly knew, instinctively, what to do. I could move on. Where? I didn’t know. But it offered an end, the last page of an old book, the setting of the sun after a long, hectic day.

Blessed relief… something that my soul ached for. I’m tired. So tired.

I spread my arms out, two hazy outlines on either side of me- both already beginning to fade away as they joined the surrounding void. Closing my eyes, I prepared myself for the fall. For a single moment or an eternity, I hung, suspended between my fleeting life and whatever waited beyond death…

And let go.

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561 Reviews

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Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:29 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Aly,
MJ here with some quick pointers. You did a great job writing and editing this short story, so there aren't really any nitpicks that I can point out. I do have a few suggestions for you, however, so I'm going to break down this story and give some of my preferences.
First of all, I would change the title for two reasons, 1) because there is a movie that was recently released with this same title and 2) because I feel like this story isn't about what happens BEFORE she dies, but rather the process of death. That's just personal preference, so you can choose to apply it in whatever way you want.
Secondly, in the second paragraph (which I won't quote because it's unnecessary) I would add something about black spots dancing in front of her eyes. I feel like that would be better than simply saying 'flicker' and would also give some personification to the story, since that happens a lot in your story and really is a nice artistic touch.
Thirdly, since your main character (whom I've been referring to as a 'she' for the entirety of the review for some reason) has been referring to life as nineteen years of living in fear, I feel like she should greet death with some relief, some thought, however small, that death is freedom from pain in life. That isn't really discussed, and that would help drive home just how hard her life has been.
Fourthly, I would discuss religion a little more. Talk about what your main character believes in- if she believes in reincarnation, going to heaven, simply not existing, or existing in a world of emptiness for eternity. Even though she is uncertain about what death really means, I would discuss what she thinks, or at least thought in life, about death- even if she didn't know in life. That would also be helpful to make something more concrete, in a way.

Final Thoughs:
This was really well-written. You described death in a realistic way from a believable character's viewpoint. Like I said before, we understood what your main character was going through. You described her pain. You did a great job allowing the reader to see through her eyes and described her thought process well. It was a very enjoyable snippet and was thoroughly edited, to the point where I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. Well done with this, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

Best wishes,
MJ






Thanks for the review and advice MJ!
About the title, I completely forgot about there being a movie with the same name and the "fall" is when she moves on from that in-between place that she's in and accepts death. Since I'm not going to do much with this and it's just a short, I'll keep the title. Also, I intentionally left the character's gender up to the reader, but in my head she is a "she". :)



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Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:50 am
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ishitadutt wrote a review...



Hey.

I have been inactive here for a long time and today when I decided to sit and review something, I am GLAD this is the first piece I stumbled upon. Reiterates my idea of joining YWS in the first place. The fact that young minds can be so imaginative and inspiring gets me really happy.

I absolutely loved this post. Everything, from the title to the narrative to the climax and finally the ending, it's all simply beautiful. Words flow magically and I was able to picture everything in my mind, which according to me is the sign of a good storyteller. When the post started it seemed a bit cliche and ordinary but from this point on you got me hooked :

"You expect something more, somehow, when your world is stolen from you. Memories, dreams, lives you’ve touched, the imprint- however small- you left on the places and people you leave behind… all gone."

The intensity of that thought is amazing. And this one completed the circle in the best way possible:

"I spread my arms out, two hazy outlines on either side of me- both already beginning to fade away as they joined the surrounding void. Closing my eyes, I prepared myself for the fall. For a single moment or an eternity, I hung, suspended between my fleeting life and whatever waited beyond death…"

I just have three doubts:
I couldn't understand the references of "Auri", "Vallas" and also were you trying to hint on a specific cause of death? It'd be great if you could explain this so that my stupid self could understand the piece better :P

All in all, great writing!

-Ishita Dutt
(I blog at www.thebipolarbeing.blogspot.com)






I probably should've left out "Auri" and "Vallas". The story is set in the fantasy world I made up, where Auri is the name of their goddess and Vallas is a group of criminals. But while I was writing the focus fell more on the MC's thoughts rather than the world. I ended up adding words like "God" and "Herself" to try and clear this up.
But uh- glad you liked it and thanks so much for the review! :)





I probably should've left out "Auri" and "Vallas". The story is set in the fantasy world I made up, where Auri is the name of their goddess and Vallas is a group of criminals. But while I was writing the focus fell more on the MC's thoughts rather than the world. I ended up adding words like "God" and "Herself" to try and clear this up.
But uh- glad you liked it and thanks so much for the review! :)




The sun can square up and fight me. Apollo is just another bi disaster, and I could take him.
— AlmostImmortal