[Three years earlier]
It begins with the end, or perhaps it ends with the beginning. It doesn’t really matter. I was writing, working on an essay. Black on white, words on paper, paper on paper, until I had my complete essay. Though, it really was more blue than black, wasn't it? I was a student, and that day wasn’t any different from the many days before, the essay practically the same as the last. Each letter a mechanized movement, boring, repetitive… But then it started to hurt. Not the kind of pain that comes slowly, so slowly that you don’t even know that it’s pain at first. No, this came quickly, hitting me with full force at once. My arm burned as if on fire. The words and sentences that I spent so much time on left the paper, dark blue left white. I didn’t notice them traveling over the table and spilling onto the floor at first, distracted as I was by the fire in my arm, the inferno in my wrist, but when the cold ink started climbing up my legs I screamed. You’re not supposed to scream in a library. It startles the other guests, makes them shoot pointed looks your way – not that I noticed any of that at the time. I screamed and then I ran, trying to shake off the letters from my pants. It was hard to see the royal blue of the ink against the black fabric, but I noticed that the trail of ink I left behind me eventually thinned and disappeared, and the cold feeling climbing up my legs went away with it. The burning sensation in my arm remained, going well with the screeching sirens and blinking lights.
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...wow that was one of the most dramatic turnarounds I've seen in a prologue there...going from just simple old writing an essay of all things to everything suddenly spilling out and attacking and fire and just straight up pain and death and yeah...well, it was very effective and getting our attention very quickly here.
I really loved the flow of this piece here, you do a great job of creating a very mundane and repetitive feel with the description of this person writing and get us to believe this is just going to be a boring description of a pretty boring act and then you very smoothly showcase this ink slowly starting to act weird before everything suddenly peaks in all the chaos there at the end. I really like the almost out of body way that this person starts to reflect on the ink attacking and burning them. The way they comment on the screaming in a library and the burning sensation complementing the sirens really gives it a different feel there, and a good different at that.
All in all, this is a pretty intense little prologue, and the descriptions, especially towards the end do wonders to make this story really come to life here. A pretty well executed piece you've got here, this is definitely a story I'd read on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really liked this book. I cant wait to read the next one!!!
First off, I really like the similie you used for when you said your arm was on fire. One of my favorite things about books is reading all the figurative language in the books and stories. Anyway back to you.
Everybody else kind of already pointed out all of your nitpicks and all of your mistakes, so I don't feel like I need to do that to you, cause then you have to read it all over again about what mistakes you made. I am not going to do that. Instead I am going to point out one or two of my favorite parts. I mean I liked it all, just my most favorite parts. The parts I liked the best. I think you get the idea!
I like this part because one for the amazing similie, you used, but also for something else. I love how you say... "Not the kind of pain that comes slowly, that you don't know at first it's pain." I like this part because it's true. Some pains do come slowly and you don't even know it hurts or even you don't know if you are in pain! Well I guess that's all.
I will talk to you later.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Greetings.
At this point, it will be rather diffcult pointing out a mistake someone hasn't already flagged, so I shall simply add to those.
Beginning a prologue with a paradox already gets the reader's mind working, which is a good thing, since not only does it attract and keep their attention, but the majority of people would want to make sense of it, and therefore continue reading. Well done.
I agree with Dreamer84; if you state at the top of a page that the scene you will be describing had occured three years earlier, you have already established that the it is a past event. You should then proceed writing (or having the first person-narrator write) in the past simple tense, as if the event is taking place in the present.
If half of the reviews your prologue has received so far request that you should clarify the matter of the colour of the ink, then perhaps you should. Also, if you added the question tag because you wanted to create the idea that the narrator was ranting, then you have been successfull; however, if that was not your intention, then I suggest you remove it post-haste.
Were this part of the previous sentence, it would have been grammatically correct, but as it is not, it is a sentence fragment.
The final sentence of a chapter, prologue, preface, post script or epilogue should always have a purpose and must be striking. Yours, however, is confusing, to put it plainly, and I also do not see the use of it.
Overall, I can see that you are trying to create a semi-chaotic atmosphere, but there is a very fine line between controlled or "organised" chaos, and complete confusion. I do want to make sense of this though, so I shall move on to the first chapter. I hope it will be of better quality.
Rating for this text: one and a half star (inadequate)
Wow this is a really great prologue. It really makes me want to continue reading into the story. The only thing I would change is how you frase it. If it is happening 3 years prior to the actual story then you shouldn't describe the prologue as if it is a flash back from the present. I really think you have great description and great imagery. I like the way you give the reader enough information to keep them reading but not enough to spoil the entire story itself. I didn't see any spelling or grammer mistakes which is good. I like how you keep the reader interested in the story. I can't wait for the real thing. Good Job, Good Luck and Keep on Writing
Hi Alvarin! Ok, so I’m obsessed with prologues. They are the ultimate thing that makes me read a book. & I have high expectations!
I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you.
Here we go!
You’re first sentence is genius. It already has me thinking and on the edge of my seat. Good style.
You said you were writing, ‘black on white’ but then you go on to describe the ink as ‘royal blue’. I know you said that it was more blue than black but I think you just need to choose one colour and stick with it. Royal blue isn’t really like black at all.
I wish you you would have connected me to the character a little more. I have a hint of who he/she is but not really anything that I can grab hold of. Inject some more personality in there somewhere?
Paragraphs! I wish it was in paragraphs because it really is that good. It needs that pace to set the scene.
You had me hooked from the start. I love your concept and I love that it took a dark twist almost immediately. Who doesn’t love a dark twist to get them interested in a new book?
Good luck! I hope to read more soon!
Olive <3
Oh! You're posting a novel...
How interesting...
Hi. :3
How bizarre this was... Definitely in a good way. I'll just go on with what I saw which wasn't much, to be honest.
You go on about black really being blue before this that I feel like you need to make a mention of it again here even if it's a tiny mention especially when you have
It's strange that you go back and forth... but maybe that was the point... I dunno. I'd like a mention of blue in the second mention of ink.
If you feel you must keep together I think you'd have to phrase it like, "The sirens and burning in my arm going well together."
Since it wasn't this kind of pain, I'm not sure why you bring this pain up. There isn't a 'normal' kind of pain, so it doesn't highlight your MC's pain as out of the ordinary. It just slows down thoughts that verge on manic.
All of those nitpicks are kind of ridiculous about how little the affect the actual prologue, but it was really good, so I didn't have much of any use to say.
Uh... I am going to side with GreenTulip though. I understand what you're saying when you want it to feel jumbled, but I don't get that feeling. I would like to say that sometimes several breaks can also create a manic-esque vibe. Of course, that's all a matter of opinion.
This prologue definitely makes me want to carry on to the next chapter!
I'll probably do that tomorrow. :3
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns feel free to contact me.
Megs~
Hello, GreenTulip here to leave you a review.
This may be harsh to start with, but you need to EDIT this into separate paragraphs. They are no paragraphs, and you have many ideas. I am going to show you a way to edit this, and as I will be going through what you wrote, I will donate the points I get for this review to you.
It is a good story, but I have one issue (besides the fact of the no paragraphs), you don't explain how the words went from paper to him/her.
I see your point, but I wanted this to be a bit jumbled and confusing, not quite making sense - hence it's all pressed together like that. The main character doesn't think like most people, and he doesn't remember this event exactly as it happened, which is why I've deliberately kept things out of it. Thanks for the review
It is detracting. If you make at least two paragraphs it would help out more. And it would be better to read and it wouldn't make the reader want to back out.
And I did donate the points I received to you.
Yes, I noticed. Thank you, but you didn't need to