z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 1 - I didn't order a sine wave

by Alvarin


[Day one]

Life goes on, they say. It doesn’t actually go on, but the world around you does. When you’re clinging to that moment in time before everything suddenly fell apart, the world moves at a staggering pace. You lose your grip and are flung to another time, another world. It’s not the one you want to be in but it moves at a pace that you can keep up with, so you settle down. You exchange the dream of a PhD for the monotonous life of a waiter in a small restaurant. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know the town that well, or that the only shallow bonds you have are to your co-workers, because none of it matters. All you want to do is hide and forget that moment, hope that it never comes to haunt you again. It’d be neat if one could say that the world works like that, but it doesn’t. You may have been flung to another world, but that moment is always chasing you. Sooner or later all the crap comes back.

“Excuse me, I ordered a cheeseburger without mustard.” The shrill, sniffy voice of an upset customer is worse than any crying baby in the world. Why? Because this person is supposed to be an adult, and she can’t even order food properly.

“No, you ordered a cheeseburger. You never said anything about the mustard.” My voice wasn’t in any way upset or rude, nor cold or distant, and yet she glared at me like she was trying to make my head explode. I could almost feel it, starting as a tension by my temples and then wandering to cloud my whole head.

“I know what I ordered.” People never knew what they ordered, since they never actually knew what they wanted. They’d order one thing, and then change their minds and make themselves believe that it was what they actually had ordered.

“So do I. I had to listen to you change your mind four times before you finally decided.” She looked like a pug. Not one of those cute little dogs with wrinkles, but the bottom end of a large sack of too soft skin. I could almost see the edges of the glass pane being constantly pressed against her face to make it hold that form. It looked surprised now, that mashed up face. I wasn’t supposed to talk back, it had gotten me in trouble before, but why was the customer always right? She wasn’t right, she was an idiot, and I should listen to her just so she could tell her equally moronic friends to come to the restaurant as well? No. Just no.

I was swept away by a hurricane of whirling blonde hair, and it spit me out in the kitchen; boss’s domain. When I turned back to look at that lovely hurricane it was already half way through the flippfloppedy swing doors and on the way back to the upside-down sack. It was always like that. Carrying me to a place and then spitting me out just to leave before I could say a word. It was refreshing, but always left one unsatisfied, craving just a little more of that clean crisp air.

“This is the third time this week that you’re being rude to a customer.” The boss’s voice was quieter now, compared to what it had been when I started working for him. His knife moved at a slower pace as well. What had been just a sheet of silver was now clearly nothing but an ordinary steel knife. The fits of anger and passion had been replaced by a mellow calm, a change which could be tasted in his food. From picante to bland in a day, and I doubted there was any turning back. His love for food had left him together with his wife.

“I wasn’t being rude. She ordered a cheeseburger and that was what she got.”

This would’ve sent him into a fit before, but now he just sighed and wiped his forehead with the towel always hanging over his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter what you think. The customer is always right. If this happens one more time you might as well walk out the door at once.”

I wanted to walk out now. Waltz right out there and never look back, but that wasn’t an option. My options had all been taken from me at that moment, and I knew that they weren’t coming back. No one else would hire someone who claimed to be illiterate and refused to take money in any form but its true one. I’d have to keep graveling before this aging man who had never been able to hold on to anything but his restaurant, and I’d have to do it convincingly. “Yes, boss. I’m very sorry. I’ve just been in a bad mood lately.”

I got to take the day off to ‘cheer up’, as he called it. I didn’t need to be cheered up. My bad mood was a constant that I had come to rely on, something that would never change no matter what happened, no matter how many squeaky customers complained about the mustard they had ordered, no matter how many times the blonde hurricane decided to spit me out in my bedroom just to leave before I had opened my eyes, my bad mood would always be constant. It was the only thing that wasn’t an exponential curve or a sine wave, and I appreciated that. Cheering up would result in my solid base disappearing, fluctuating, and I couldn’t have that, as it could be the final cent that tipped the scale and made me leave and go look for a higher purpose – any purpose. No, I could not let that happen.

Brain-dead TV was a good cure for any thoughts of changing my life, so I sat down on the worn leather of the couch and stared at the screen until even the smallest notion of that wish to change had left me.


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Wed May 21, 2014 1:11 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Alvarin! Silver here to review for you! :)

Well, Birky's been here already which means your work has probably been picked clean of nitpicks but I'll do my beat :)

Main Points

All you want to do is hide and forget that moment, hope that it never comes to haunt you again.


I feel like this would flow better if you added "and" after the comma.

Okay, so that was my only nit pick :/

Anyway, I think you have a great beginning here. I read your prologue but didn't review it. Your title is fascinating and while I didn't understand what it meant in this chapter, I hope I will later one.
I really enjoyed reading your style of writing, I think you portrayed your character's fear and desolation very well. There was a strong melancholy feel through out the whole piece. I also felt uncomfortable, on edge the entire time because i felt that there was something after this man. I feel like you've already incorporated such a lot of character development in such a short space. Well done! Hopefully I'll have more to say in later chapters. Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Mon May 05, 2014 11:31 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Alvarin!

Okay my Swedish friend, you're pretty much one of the first people I befriended here, so it's about time I review some works of yours. Although, I guess I mainly do so because the story is really interesting.

I read through your prologue and despite finding it confusing, it really got my attention. As for this first chapter though, I find nothing in it that connects it to the prologue. But that certainly doesn't mean it won't pop up later.

I didn't review your prologue, as it was quite short and I had little to add. I got the feeling your main character, who I'm guessing is the same person in both parts, has some sort of special abilities. Because that has to come up at some point, right? And the series is tagged as supernatural/fantasy; that was a big clue. ;)

I'm hoping these things come into the story soon.

However, I really liked what you did in this chapter. You gave your protagonist a lot of good characteristics. The way you wrote it, him narrating his life and surroundings as they happen, lets the reader know a lot about him.

He seems very cynical of the world and the people around him and he gives off the appearance of a loner, despite having bedtime company with this..hurricane? (I found this confusing. I'll get back to it.)

I love your opening paragraph, it seems to me to be written very genuinely. This feeling when something has happened that almost leaves you unable to follow the world around you. Everyone you know moving on, while you seem stagnant. Your character is most likely reeling from the events in the prologue, or results from it, but this feeling is universal to a lot of things and you used it perfectly.

The dialogue was pretty well written, paragraph structure is perfect and I thought the boss was quite genuine.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

You exchange the dream of a PhD for the monotonous life of a waiter in a small restaurant. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know the town that well, or that the only shallow bonds you have are to your co-workers, because none of it matters.

I already said I loved your opening paragraph, but I wanted to pull out this line because I thought it was amazing.

Edit
People never know what they ordered, since they never actually knew what they wanted.
I'd change this first one.

I was swept away by a hurricane of whirling blonde hair,

You used this several times, and I would have made this more clear. I'm going to assume this is some woman co-worker of his that he sometimes has relations to, but why refer to her as a hurricane? Because she enters his life and then leaves it in a mess just as quickly as she arrived or something? If I'm close, then I like the idea, but I would make it a bit more clear. But maybe you expand on this later.

Edit
What had been just a sheet of silver was now clearly nothing but an ordinary steel knife.


a change which could be tasted in his food.

I'm wondering; is his boss also the chef? They are not usually the boss, right? Just something I noticed, not important. ;)

who claimed to be illiterate and refused to take money in any form but its true one.
Wait, why does he claim this?

It was the only thing that wasn’t an exponential curve or a sine wave, and I appreciated that.
This, as well as the entire paragraph, I don't get. Why would he appreaciate this? And why can't he look for a higher purpose?

Despite being an interesting character, I'm unsure of his motivations at the moment. And tell us his name! :D

Lastly, seeing as you continue right into the second chapter after this, I'd say your chapters are pretty short. There is a lot more you could write about his life here. I really want to know more about how he lives and works. This chapter is almost just one scene, held together by his narration.

It's good, but I'd like to see more.

Alright, that's pretty much all I got. I'll get around to your other chapters, soon.

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Alvarin says...


Thank you for the review :3
He is quite mysterious at the moment, yes, and I'm intending to gradually let people know more about his life and what happened, though that will probably be told from someone else's point of view, since this character doesn't always make sense when he's thinking xD
The blond hurricane (which you interpreted correctly) isn't very important to him, nor are any of the other people he meets here, which is why I don't describe them a lot, but I'll consider making some edits to make the image of her a little bit clearer.
And yes, I know his chapter is short, and the following chapters will be even shorter xD I'm trying to write this as the mood comes along, and not force it, which is why the chapters so far aren't very long. In the future I might consider posting two or three chapters together.
I hope you'll keep reading ^^



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Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:40 pm
Carina wrote a review...



Heyya! It's been way too long since I reviewed, and since the title caught my attention, I thought I'd swing by. (Speaking of which, I should probably finish my calculus homework...)

The /intro is strong, and I really like it. It uses one of the strong approaches of a fantastic hook: an anecdote. Basically, an anecdote tells the reader a story. The story vastly unfolds until the reader sees the big picture that was once folded up. That big picture would be the overall chapter, and transitioning to that could be a bit difficult. I think you did a good job at this, and it ties it to the end, which is even better.

But one can always improve, yes? The only thing I'm really iffy about is the "you." The horrors of the dastardly you's! Avoid saying "you" at all costs. Trust me, I've learned this the hard way. (A first paper in freshman honors with red crosses over all the you's? Not a great way to start the year if you ask me!) The reason why writers should avoid the big fat old "you" is because the story is in first or third person, and saying "you" would suddenly transform it to second person...something we don't see often 'cause it's pretty weird and hard to pull off!

This story is in first person, and it would totally suck if readers were confused at the beginning by thinking, "What? Is this in second person? No way, second person is weeeeeird, so I'm just gonna put this story down and casually walk away," 'cause this story has so much potential. So, to avoid this messy scenario, writers often used cheap tricks to get around this. Personally, I use "one" to replace the "you," but often times I usually avoid it altogether. It might be hard, and yes, it's incredibly annoying, but it will certainly save an angry English teacher from wasting her precious red ink!

I really like how you described the customer as a pudgy pug. I had this funny image in my mind which made me smirk a bit, which is excellent! (Not for the pudgy woman, though. It would suck to have a crinkly face like that.) You used a great visual sensory detail, but to spicen up the story more, try adding in the other four: sound, taste, touch, and smell. Smell especially is a soaring detail, so perhaps write about how the woman even smells like a dirty dog that just rolled in the swampy grass.

Also, I do understand that this is the first chapter (and yep, I have read the prologue!) and that there are more to come, but perhaps leave a cliffhanger or a very quick snippet of something exciting at the very end? This will motivate the readers to keep on reading, and it'll give me something to look forward to as I read on, ya know? Oh, and maybe say the main character's name somewhere. It's a small detail, but it's a very important one, too.

Keep writing, and post the link to the second chapter on my wall when you're done!

~Carina




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Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:42 am
Lucia wrote a review...



This was really good!!! It was written well, and the story line made sense. There were some very specific and active descriptions of people, and you portrayed emotions well.

I don't really have anything to nitpick about, except that I don't really understand how this is supernatural, or about mystery. As for the rest, like I said, your grammar was good, it made sense, and I can't really find anything else wrong with it. Great job!!!

The story made me laugh, and almost all of the time, I could see the reality in it. It mostly gave me a depressed feeling. :)

You did a really good job!!!
Keep writing!!




Alvarin says...


Thank you so much! This is only the first chapter, so it'll become clear why I labeled it as I did in the later chapters ;)



Lucia says...


You're welcome!
Can't wait to read the rest!




Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath