[Day six]
“Ryan, can you hear me? Please, stay calm this time. No one's going to hurt you, I promise.” Soft. Soft little mouse. Stroking my hair like mother used to when I was sick. Was I sick? I felt strange. Things didn't make sense. The world was pleasant.
“You drugged me.”
“We had to, you were hurting yourself.” A mouse in a lab coat, like a cartoon character. I wanted to laugh, I probably was laughing, maybe. It was hard to know. “Listen, Ryan, we really just want to talk to you, that's all. There's no need for you to be afraid.”
“Do you have your own cartoon?” Did cartoons normally smell like hospitals? I didn't like the smell. Too clean, reminding me too much of my childhood. Why had I been in a hospital? “I don't like this.” Nothing made sense, and my past was a blur. Normally I would've liked it that way; but with all these bad things happening, the good things disappeared as well.
“Promise you won't struggle and I'll stop administrating the drug.” A mouse, yes, but with very sharp teeth. Wolf. I wanted to glare at her, but I couldn't quite remember how people did that. “Promise.”
“I promise.” I wasn't quite sure what I was agreeing to. I hadn't hurt myself, the snakes did. I had just tried to run, like chained up cattle were supposed to.
There was a sharp noise, the push of a button, or two. The sounds floated together. “Alright. It might take a while for it to wear off. I'll bring you something to eat while we wait, okay?”
Hunger, yes. I was hungry. I wasn't sure if I nodded or made a noise, but she left again. It wasn't fair. The light at the end of the tunnel was my escape, yet she had passed through it twice, and I couldn't even sit up. I wanted to curse, but I didn't do that. Mother told me I was too smart for that. She wouldn't be happy about this.
A/N: These chapters are starting to get really short.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Alvarin! I'm back! Muahahaha!!
So this was more of a filler chapter, which is cool because all novels need filler chapters right? The thing is just that I don't have much to say because of it. :/
I like how you get us to sort of trust the mouse lady but then she seems to be a wolf in mouse's clothing. I do like your overall writing style even though it is confusing. I guess it's good in small doses.
One thing though, is that this story hasn't progressed very far since the beginning. Not much has been revealed ad not much has happened. It needs a little more substance which I hope we'll get a little more of in chapter five with your impending change of view. Good work all round and I look forward to seeing more. Keep it up and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Thank you so much for your reviews, I really appreciate it ^^ I've decided that I should try to finish this and then go back and do some major editing, so that I clear up the parts that are too confusing, and I might also put this chapter together with the last one, because it's so short.
Anyway, you said the title was interesting but you didn't understand it. Was that the title of the whole thing, or just the title of the first chapter?
Probably the title of the first chapter. I don't think I even know what the title of the novel is :/
Give me a shout when the next one is up!
I think combining the chapters is definitely a good idea. Yes, definitely try to finish it before editing, it's best not to lose momentum while you have it
Hey Alvarin!
I have reviewed every other chapter of this so far, so I guess I'll comment on this one as well. Despite not having too much to say.
Well, things continue being confusing. But it's not like you add more confusion to it, there just isn't a lot cleared up from the previous chapter.
There isn't really a lot happening in this chapter either. He just wakes up, talks to this chick and then she leaves to get him food. Not exactly exciting.
I guess you write his deluded, drugged and out of his mind thoughts pretty well. It's like he is an unreliable narrator, which could be pretty neat. And having him be so deluded that he wonders if she has her own cartoon was a little funny.
I'm also unsure about how you describe her as a mouse and what that means. If it's something to describe her character and appearance, I think it's a solid one though. Having mousy facial features as well as maybe being shy is easy to picture. For me anyhow, I actually know a lot of such people. They seem to be quite common. But yeah, unsure what you mean by it.
Or wait, last thing that came to me as I finished up: Does he actually only see a cartoon character? He's that out of it? I would actually love if that was the case. Would be awesome.
Alright:
Suggestion
I'd make it clear that it's she who says this. I thought Ryan did, but he does that in the next line.
Yeah, they kind of are.
Well, as I said, there's not much I could bring up. It's really small.
I'm looking forward to your next chapter thought. You said you were changing up the point of view in the fifth one, so maybe I can make some sense of what is going on. So far, I'm still quite confused. O.o
Keep it up, mate!
Cheers
Birkhoff
I'm fixing the things you pointed out ^^ I am indeed changing the pov for the next chapter, and I'll explain a lot in that one.
Thank you so much for giving me all those reviews. I'll tag you somewhere when I put the next chapter up