I take a breath, I hold it well
I step a step into my hell;
I feel the flames beneath my feet
I'm dizzied by the intense heat;
"So long," said Charon. "I leave you here,
Scream, but you can't fight your fear."
I hear a click: He locks the door
It disappears forever more;
I turn around. Alas, I see
What has been in store for me;
A creature of fire stands there
He says, "I'm your nightmare."
I soon loose track of times
He repeats it until it's branded in my mind;
A whip takes form in his hand
"I'll torture you 'til you can't stand
The pain, the fear, the screams, and then
I will do it all over again."
A whip whose horrors aren't known to man
Lands on my back and it began;
I scream in fear just like he said
My voice rings inside my head;
It changes as it goes on
Is this my voice? It feels so wrong;
Like the edge of a sharp knife
Intent on ending my sad life;
But my life never ends in here
I'm forever chained to my fear;
I die of pain, hunger, and thirst
But none of cessations compare to the first;
Dying is agonizing nevertheless
Words are carved upon my chest:
Filth, they read, Abandoned. Gone.
Forsaken blood; devil's spawn.
A shame to God, to what He has built,
Rot until justice is fulfilled.
I once was human, but oh, I wish I was
A part of the ground: of rock and dust.
---
Sharks, hit me with 'em.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! Cas here to review.
First of all, this needs a good old proof-read, man. Some of the lines don't end properly, some punctuation is off, and there are still misspelled words. I suggest looking over this closely, maybe looking at The Elements of Style or, well, I suppose I could list the most obvious faults below.
On another note, while on occasion this piece sort of gets the heart rate up--the end with the italics, especially--in general, I felt sort of, "Meh." On one hand, I'm not exactly an emotional person, so I'm probably not the best judge. I think the lack of description is what got me. I know, I know, it's poetry, but maybe reach for words that more so send chills down the spine?
Otherwise, the combination of Christian and Greek mythology sort of was weird. Maybe make the clash more fierce or pick one over the other?
Now, for editing notes:
*Hell.
*Ex: "I'm leaving," he said, "and you can't stop me." Commas, not periods.
*The door disappears forever more? Also, there should have been a stop, and I don't think you're using colons quite right. Hmm.
*Lose.
*Beware of cliche similes.
*Again, look into how to properly use colons.
I like the rhyming structure of the poem, but some of the rhythms and syllables were off. For example:
And some typos:
In store
Torture , I think.
compare
Fulfilled
I really like some of the lines, such as
Well, that's all I have to say. I like the structure and rhyme of the poem, and I like the sound of a lot of the lines. Good luck on any future poems!
O.O
Didn't notice the typos! *edits*