Young Writers Society

Hey! Cas here to review.

First of all, this needs a good old proof-read, man. Some of the lines don't end properly, some punctuation is off, and there are still misspelled words. I suggest looking over this closely, maybe looking at The Elements of Style or, well, I suppose I could list the most obvious faults below.

On another note, while on occasion this piece sort of gets the heart rate up--the end with the italics, especially--in general, I felt sort of, "Meh." On one hand, I'm not exactly an emotional person, so I'm probably not the best judge. I think the lack of description is what got me. I know, I know, it's poetry, but maybe reach for words that more so send chills down the spine?

Otherwise, the combination of Christian and Greek mythology sort of was weird. Maybe make the clash more fierce or pick one over the other?

Now, for editing notes:

*Hell.
*Ex: "I'm leaving," he said, "and you can't stop me." Commas, not periods.
*The door disappears forever more? Also, there should have been a stop, and I don't think you're using colons quite right. Hmm.
*Lose.
*Beware of cliche similes.
*Again, look into how to properly use colons.

I like the rhyming structure of the poem, but some of the rhythms and syllables were off. For example:

A creature of fire stands there
He says, "I'm your nightmare."

I soon loose track of times
He repeats it until it's branded in my mind;
A whip takes form in his hand

I will do it all over again."

Rot until justice is fullfilled.
I once was human, but oh, I wish I was

What has been instore for me

"I'll tortre you 'til you can't stand

But none of cessations comapre to the first

Rot until justice is fullfilled.

Is this my voice? It feels so wrong;