What is time?
Tis a moving frame
A sea, a grain
Everything
And nothing
______________
You’re there,
Framed by black.
I reach out towards your cheek
And caress the cold screen.
______________
What is time?
And what’s a dream?
What is innocence,
What are morals and discipline?
You don’t tell me what to do.
______________
This cold universe
A graveyard unto itself.
Nothing will be left
______________
What’s time?
Tis but a myth.
There is no time.
Our puny lives
Can't begin to touch
The truth of it.
______________
Trays balanced on our laps
Silent, we watch the news
Jaws drop, tears well
And children keep on dying.
We raise our teacups.
“Shit. I burned my tongue."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Alpha! I don't remember if I've ever given you a review. Maybe it's long overdue. Let's have a run-through, yeah?
You have this great self-imposed air in this piece that I absolutely love. It's as if you're framing yourself for thinking too deeply, which makes this a meta piece (so bonus points for you). It's a good example of how a single thought can trigger such a deep stream of consciousness that we can so easily be lost in until we're snapped out of it by reality. I'm unsure if you're familiar with mental diseases, but this is a good spokesman for how easy triggers are to find. Even if the images and word-strains aren't the best, the sentiment that we are losing our minds to a thought is haunting, and I applaud you for that.
Now, to the nitty gritty.
I'm not exactly a fan of how you have this chopped up, but I'm unsure if I'd be a fan of it not chopped up. I know that your flow is smooth and your line breaks are where they need to be (because you've framed this with words that almost demand to be isolated as they are), so I'll leave this as something for you to think about if you ever go about editing it for drastic changes. Just spend some time contemplating your pacing.
Your second stanza has the best imagery of the poem, doubtlessly. I feel almost as if you're not talking to a person, but rather time itself, asking, "Who are you? You're here, but when I reach to touch you--" bam. There's a cold surface blocking your way to understanding.
Stanza three is where the knot of my issues gathers up. You have this stream of questions that ends in a statement to the You again, and as I presume, you're speaking to time. Or in this case, all of the above. So to recount:
Time, dreams, innocence, morals, discipline--you don't tell me what to do.
With this in mind, I'm not a fan of the line "And why do they exist?" It seems unnecessary, really, if you're staying true to your neglect-force-beyond-control theme. Consider nixing it as it just distracts from the point at hand.
If I may note, your fourth stanza has an inconsistency with your use of punctuation. Up until now, it's all been correct, but you omit it in this stanza, and I'm not particularly sure it's intentional. If it is, ignore me. But write intentionally, always. This is the stanza where I felt the first real self-contained trigger of inward thought. This is where your soft spot for depression is, and you can make it more powerful (please?) to drive a nail through the skull. It's a haiku, so you're going to want to include the full-stop that is required by haiku form. It'd go like
I'm proud that you naturally included a kigo in your first line. Not many people know how to haiku.
The next stanza is a bit choppier when it comes to flow, and I really want you to smooth it out. High language like "It is" and "Cannot" are keeping you from fluidity. Alternatively, you capitalize three lines with no preceding punctuation, breaking your pattern of correct grammar. Again, if it's intentional, it's golden. But slip-ups happen all the time, bro. My point about the 'high language' is because you start the stanza with a contraction: "What's", and then change verbal styles immediately, causing a hard jar on the reader.
Final stanza. The big one. The one we've been waiting for. And at this point, reading while barring my own sight of grammar, I think it'd be a clever trick to renounce more and more conventions as the poem progresses to give it the solemn feel that you want...until you burn your tongue. Consider it an experiment if nothing else. Your final non-sequitur of a line is brilliant, and it's what ties the entire piece together for me. It's a bit disappointing that you build up for it, though, with the line preceding: "And then,". Let it just jar in and stop the party. No need to open the door for it. Non-sequiturs like to break down walls, like the Kool-Aid man.
Let me know if you have any questions. I love it when folks respond to my reviews.
Lumi
Heya Lumi! Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. You've pointed out places where I could change things, and I agree with them. I can't see why I didn't notice that before x_x You were right about the fifth stanza being too choppy. I should cut out the egregious particles
Thanks again!
P.S.
I'm a girl xD
Wow. This was deep, but it was also funny. This poem was very good. It has a lot of meaning to it. It gives me something to think about, and I like that it gets me to think about my own life. We have very short time on Earth and we should use it wisely. Then you threw in that last stanza, "Shit. I burned my tongue." That made me laugh because I was not expecting it. It reminds me how we can get lost in our own world, deep in our own thoughts then something simple like burning our tongue will bring us back to reality. Good job.
Thank you c: