Our love is a sentence
A kiss is a word
We love from a distance
It’s sweet, it’s absurd
_____
Absurd, and un-sublime
Relaying purely on trust.
A question in time:
Is it love or is it lust?
_____
Screw the distance
Bless the thoughts
The demands and insistence
Crosses and noughts.
_____
This world will end,
We rise and we’ll fall.
This world will end.
Why bother at all?
_____
For what is affection,
But dopamine in the vein.
A chemical reaction
Why go through all the pain?
_____
Now all of this I write
Under hormonal effect
Still, it’s a surprise to find
That it’s never an act.
_____
And now what can I say?
How do I tell you that all
Of these nights, I pray
That you won’t be my fall
_____
That you’ll understand
What I just wrote here
Isn’t, in fact, a rant
It’s my hopes and fears.
_____
My fear is about my fall.
It’s the ringing of the chime.
But what I fear above all
Is to lose you in time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there Alpha!
So, I know you wrote this two years ago, but I just stumbled across this poem while I was trying to procrastinate a little longer, instead of studying... And just absolutely loved it! ☺
There‘s a certain desperateness to your writing style that caught me. Your attempt to rationalize love, reducing it solely to uncontrollable hormones, whilst at the same time conveying a feeling of certainty that this love is more complex and inexplicable than all that.
It’s not explicitly said, which makes the poem so wonderful: you made us feel it!
I absolutely love the first three stanzas, no criticism at all! But my favorite is your last stanza, more precisely your last line:
"But what I fear above all
Is to lose you in time."
Probably because I can relate to it perfectly… The funny thing is, when you do get over that someone, it’s not as terrible at all.
I tend to be a rubbish critic when it comes to structure and grammar and so forth, I usually just reply when I really enjoyed a piece and then I give that person a review from the heart: You made me feel something, you managed to touch me and I don’t care which words or style you used to do it.
Sorry for this late and pretty unhelpful review, but maybe it‘s somewhat a confidence boost, ehj? ☺
Happy writing!
Skermitz
ahaha, thank you, but I can't look at this without cringing xP
Hullo Alpha!
Yaay poetry! I like what you are doing here, there's a good feeling of rhythm despite the rhyme (or because of). I do feel like all of the rhyme you're doing isn't really working for you. Keep in mind that I am not generally a fan of rhyme but I think in this case it doesn't add as much to the telling of your story than it could. What it really does here is force you to spread your story on and on and I think that is what is making your poem too long. And it is too long at the moment, you're pushing little details as though they're big details and using too many words to tell us the one thing.
I'd experiment with cutting back - see if you can't delete half of these stanzas and instead tighten the poem up to it's core set of values. Once you have that core I think you'll find that the poem is stronger for it. If then you still want extra words, throw them in!
I like what you have to say and just think your expression needs to be cleared up a little. Lose that letter aspect, the reference to them reading the poem. It's awkward and I don't think it's working for what you're trying to do. Tug our heart strings a little harder and make us so immersed in what you're saying we forget it is a poem but know only it is to us.
Thanks for writing this! Let me know if you make any changes, I'd love to read them.
- Penguin.
This was so beautiful. SO. BEAUTIFUL.
But, onto the actual review, I wouldn't call it a 'collection' which would make me think that there's multiple poems while this reads as separate stanzas of the same poem. I'd also consider coming up with an actual title for it; it helps draw people in.
My favorite part is the first stanza; I had to pause after reading that to reflect on just the sheer beauty of all that was said in four, short lines. It's amazing how much you packed in there; I don't even know how you did it.
My least favorite stanza, funnily enough, is the last one, specifically the first line of the last stanza. It was the only line I had any problem with. It seems the narrator's fear IS the fall, not just about it. That line also felt a bit clunky, so I'd suggest rewording it not to have 'about' in there. Maybe like 'One fear is of my fall'? I don't know.
Also, you don't have to begin every line with a capital letter. I'd suggest only capitalizing when you would normally capitalize for punctuational purposes anyways. In my opinion, it makes the poem flow better together that way.
I'm sorry, I just really, really love this poem. it's the type of poem where you curse YWS for not having a 'love' button.
Hope this review helped. PLEASE keep writing. And happy Review Day (at least for, like, five more seconds.)
From the Flaming Keys,
-Tgirly
Baby wifey <3
Me'thinks there could be a better way to combine this? Perhaps knock off that comma and add in a "and" so it turns into - "It's sweet and it's absurd" or maybe ever "It's sweet; yet, it's absurd"? Hmmm.. up to you, of course!
Loved this part of one of the verses. <3
Since you're asking a question, you should end this with a question mark!
In fact, this brings me to my final nitpick, why is there punctuation on some verses and absent in the others? It's pretty confusing and it was bugging me. Like, you'd have one verse with commas and periods, and the next was missing all kinds of punctuation. It isn't a major thing that you must change, I just didn't like it and think you should fix it so your poem looks pretty.
Overall, nice job wifey! I really enjoyed it. I think you did a great job with your metaphors and especially using some imagery here and there. This had a nice flow to it, and it was easy and quite enjoyable to read. I loved it!
~Iggy
Wow. Very, very interesting. This is really different. (I think all the stories, poems, and songs I've read have been all different.) I like this a lot, because there's multiple meaning you can get from this poem/story/song, as I'd like to call it.
I noticed that you didn't put punctuation at the end of every line. Not exactly sure if you had just forgotten to put periods and such, or if all the lines are inter-related. Um, I have a couple suggestions to be done to this piece.
I'm really sorry, but I have no clue at all as to where I can put those 'blocks' or whatever you call them to point out what's wrong, so I'm just going to skip lines. Sorry.
In the fourth stanza, second line, you put the words
"We rise and we'll fall"
I like that, but I'm not quite sure if that's grammatically correct, as you're putting we rise, and then then we will fall.
Maybe you should put will after the first we?
Just one more thing, you did a lot of rhyming, which I'm happy about, but you didn't rhyme at all stanza 7. Not quite sure why, but I just wanted to ask you a little about the thinking behind that.
All in all, this was a really great piece of poetry. I really liked it. X) keep writing! Great job!