Eyes,
Always watching,
Always looking.
Blood boiling,
Always seeing.
Fear,
Unnerving.
Sound,
Rising.
Pulse,
Beating hard as Thunder is loud,
Your mind on overload.
Always finding.
The walls begin to close in.
Darkness swallows you.
You cannot run.
You cannot hide.
No matter what.
Tired.
Wary.
Will there be no end to this?
World,
Fading.
Nothing.
I might never know.
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Canary word: Present
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140,962 Literary Works • 673,787 Reviews
Hello there, Panic here with a friendly review! :]
Let me just start off by saying I loved this! I've always been a fan of those short lined poems, I love the way they read. However there were just a few things that bothered me.
First off is the eleventh line, "Beating hard as Thunder is loud," To me it sounds a bit like an unfinished sentence, like a word is missing, maybe just try throwing in an as? "Beating as hard as thunder is loud,"
Second was the 13th line, "Always finding." That line also sounds a bit awkward, perhaps try a different word? "Always searching." "Always looking." ??
And that's it! Those were the only two things that bothered me, other than that fantastic job!
~Happy writing!! -Panic
Hey there, here to review as asked.
Now, I'm not very knowledgeable on poetry, so take my words as you will. Not sure how I feel about this poem; there's nothing wrong with it, exactly, but it's definitely missing something. I got what you were saying, but it didn't resonate with me in any way.
Part of the problem is your word usage, I think. There wasn't really any imagery throughout; I'm not saying you have to lapse into purple prose, but try to find some words that will effectively show what's going on here. As it is, I'm a little confused about the message of the poem? I get the fatigue and the terror, but why? And what is the significance of the eyes and "blood boiling"?
I think this was your strongest line. It does convey the message, and has a nice flow to it. However, "thunder" doesn't need to be capitalized.
For some reason, your ending line felt a little weak too. "I might never know" is somewhat anti-climactic, and really doesn't feel like a good note to end on. You might consider dropping it and ending with "nothing"? This is just personal preference, feel free to ignore.
I hope this helped (or at least made sense). Keep up the good work and let me know anytime you need another review!
Yea. This is on of my older poem I always meant to submit and finally decided to.