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The Assassin

by Alfredo


The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes. He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone. Motionless, almost invisible, camouflaged perfectly into the ebony wall. His right hand was the only visible part of his body, his palm was sizeable, the fingers were lengthy but bony, for it looked like he has holding the exterior of his dextral pocket, as if verifying its content. Finally, he pierced through his pocket, seeking deep for an object, when he pulled his hand out, he had a ring around his index finger. He was immobile for a second, he glanced at his watch, then reacted as if waking from a deep sleep. Heading for the back door, followed only by his shadow, he entered.

The niterie was overflowing with people, who were all facing the opposite direction. At the anterior of the discotheque there was a stage that resembled an altar, however, it didn’t have thrones and knights, even so, it had speakers, monitors, turntables, and a king with a headset around his neck ruling on his kingdom, making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign. Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.

At the café, there was a young lady sitting, drinking, and laughing with a friend. The bar was supporting their drinks and often preventing them from falling off. They were enjoying themselves stupendously, oblivious to the sickening occurrence on the verge of developing.

As he identified the juvenile woman, he advanced budging through the mass. He progressed behind the lady and ordered a shot. His next movement was agonizing but brilliant. Discreetly, he unbalanced the chair of the lady who fell subsequently. As the friend reached down to aid the youthful girl, he did the same, simultaneously apologizing for his actions.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

“No don’t bothe...”

“Please, that’s the least I can do.”

“Um, okay, if you insist.”

She responded, blushing and giggling.

The beverage was served, he approached it to her, lifting it with his right hand by the top of the glass. “Thank you!” She exclaimed.

“My pleasure.”

He replied as he downed his shot, the girl went back to her conversation and he proceeded to leave.

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

5/11/2021


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252 Reviews


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Mon Jun 07, 2021 7:48 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Greetings, Alfredo!

Wow, this story is quite something, huh? Short and simple with no lengthy backstories. I like it. The diction was pretty good and created some fetching visuals, and the ending was great!

I do have a few pointers you could look at, though.

One thing that glares out is that you've used commas excessively. One example is right here: "With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes" where punctuation has gone to be a little extreme. IcyFlame already pointed out how you could correct it, so I suggest you go through her review again.
This extends throughout the piece. A lot of sentences really drag on and it couldn't hurt to replace a few commas with fullstops.

making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign.

This simile is a little strange... could you perhaps change it to read, "like puppets dancing on their master's strings?"

The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move,

I think you mean barely?

As he identified the juvenile woman,

If you mean to say young woman, say so. Juvenile indicates that she's underage, in which case calling her a woman is... odd.

he approached it to her,

It's just approached her. There is no need for the "it to."

The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

Nice bit of description here that wrapped up your story pretty well.

My overall impression is that you've clearly put in effort and time into writing this, and it's certainly commendable. It isn't as enthralling as the description promises - no offence - but it makes for an enjoyable read nonetheless. It just needs a little work. :)

Have a god day, and keep writing!

~ Lee




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 4:52 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Alfredo, welcome to YWS!

I'm Icy, and I'm going to leave you a quick review on this piece of work :) If you have any questions about any of the comments I make - or about the site in general then feel free to reply to this review or shoot me a message separately!

Anyway, onto the actual review...

The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky.

This is a lovely opening sentence, it sets the dark tone for the beginning of the piece really well and it's a good hook for your reader!

. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes.
.
I would restructure this part a little, combine the first two sections as otherwise one sentence directly contradicts the previous one:
It was just past midnight, and with the exception of the nightclub in the distance, the city was silent


He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone.

I think this could be the start of a new paragraph.

Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.

Again, some really nice description in here, it's very enjoyable to read!

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

This can all be on one line. Also, demanded seems like a strange choice of words here given he seems to be being pretty polite?

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

This is a little rushed in comparison to the rest of the piece and I think you could expand on it, slow it down to really increase the tension. Is he worried he'll get caught? Does he feel remorse?

This was a great first piece overall though, I really enjoyed reading it!

~Icy




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Mon Jun 07, 2021 11:32 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey! FlamingPhoenix here to review your short story! Hahah I was a little confused when I saw there were three stories in a row with the same now. I wonder if it's just happened to be posted that way. Oh well lets get down to the review!


The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes. He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone. Motionless, almost invisible, camouflaged perfectly into the ebony wall. His right hand was the only visible part of his body, his palm was sizeable, the fingers were lengthy but bony, for it looked like he has holding the exterior of his dextral pocket, as if verifying its content. Finally, he pierced through his pocket, seeking deep for an object, when he pulled his hand out, he had a ring around his index finger. He was immobile for a second, he glanced at his watch, then reacted as if waking from a deep sleep. Heading for the back door, followed only by his shadow, he entered.


Oh my gosh this is a really wonderful description! This man is so mysterious and I wonder that the deal with the ring is? Is it connected to something or someone? I know this is a short story but I love how you open it with us being pulled into the scene you have created so wonderfully! I really like this description.

The niterie was overflowing with people, who were all facing the opposite direction. At the anterior of the discotheque there was a stage that resembled an altar, however, it didn’t have thrones and knights, even so, it had speakers, monitors, turntables, and a king with a headset around his neck ruling on his kingdom, making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign. Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.


And you follow the first description with another one, just wonderful! I really do love your choice of words, it just brings so much life to the setting! Great job!

At the café, there was a young lady sitting, drinking, and laughing with a friend. The bar was supporting their drinks and often preventing them from falling off. They were enjoying themselves stupendously, oblivious to the sickening occurrence on the verge of developing.


I wonder why his watching this lady? Is she his wife that why he has a ring? She's very drunk too. Lol

As he identified the juvenile woman, he advanced budging through the mass. He progressed behind the lady and ordered a shot. His next movement was agonizing but brilliant. Discreetly, he unbalanced the chair of the lady who fell subsequently. As the friend reached down to aid the youthful girl, he did the same, simultaneously apologizing for his actions.


I wonder what she's up too. Did the lady do something bad to him, or is her being paid to do this? So many questions.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

“No don’t bothe...”

“Please, that’s the least I can do.”

“Um, okay, if you insist.”

She responded, blushing and giggling.

The beverage was served, he approached it to her, lifting it with his right hand by the top of the glass. “Thank you!” She exclaimed.

“My pleasure.”

He replied as he downed his shot, the girl went back to her conversation and he proceeded to leave.


Very smooth! it didn't take very long for her to cave in, I mean I know she's a little drunk but I thought she would have refused a little more than she did.

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement.


Oh my gosh I didn't even think of that! He slipped poison into her drink. That was a very unexpected assassination, but very well played. I'm still wondering what the lady did though. That's something I think could be addressed in the story to make it less confusing.

This was a very nice story! The description was amazing and the plot was very well done! The story was short but I did enjoy it a lot!

I really enjoyed this and I hope you will continue writing and post on YWS again soon! I hope you have a great day or night!

FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

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