Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a pretty lovely scene I think. You captured the idea of this assassin really well and the flow was just about as smooth as this assassin managed to be. I think it really highlighted things in just about the right place here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes. He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone. Motionless, almost invisible, camouflaged perfectly into the ebony wall. His right hand was the only visible part of his body, his palm was sizeable, the fingers were lengthy but bony, for it looked like he has holding the exterior of his dextral pocket, as if verifying its content. Finally, he pierced through his pocket, seeking deep for an object, when he pulled his hand out, he had a ring around his index finger. He was immobile for a second, he glanced at his watch, then reacted as if waking from a deep sleep. Heading for the back door, followed only by his shadow, he entered.

The niterie was overflowing with people, who were all facing the opposite direction. At the anterior of the discotheque there was a stage that resembled an altar, however, it didn’t have thrones and knights, even so, it had speakers, monitors, turntables, and a king with a headset around his neck ruling on his kingdom, making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign. Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.

At the café, there was a young lady sitting, drinking, and laughing with a friend. The bar was supporting their drinks and often preventing them from falling off. They were enjoying themselves stupendously, oblivious to the sickening occurrence on the verge of developing.

As he identified the juvenile woman, he advanced budging through the mass. He progressed behind the lady and ordered a shot. His next movement was agonizing but brilliant. Discreetly, he unbalanced the chair of the lady who fell subsequently. As the friend reached down to aid the youthful girl, he did the same, simultaneously apologizing for his actions.

She responded, blushing and giggling.

The beverage was served, he approached it to her, lifting it with his right hand by the top of the glass. “Thank you!” She exclaimed.

“My pleasure.”

He replied as he downed his shot, the girl went back to her conversation and he proceeded to leave.

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was quite intriguing. Let's get into it.
Characters:The main character is obviously the assassin. Now, I wonder if he is a positive character or negative character. An assassin need not always be a negative character. His intentions should be taken into account. Did he have any sort of enmity with her? That can be a probable cause or maybe he was hired by someone to do it and he did it only for money.Or maybe he has some sort of political grudge towards the person? Or maybe the person is just an important person and not a political figure. Who knows. I think you should clarify a bit on this aspect, the intention, I mean. You don't have to tell directly. Some indirect methods will do like her some political things fell down from her bag(If it is concerned with politics).

Plot:Wow.I quite liked it. It's quite a very normal idea to kill someone by poisoning but the way you represented it was quite unique, I think. You could always mention that the woman was in the V.I.P area. That would make much more sense. Also, I don't think alll people facing the opposite direction without no reason is a very practical thing. You should either add a reason or remove that line. Also, I was amazed when literally no one reacted when the lady fell down. Well, a night club is a place which is considered for people of higher class and the people in there are generally a bit too caring about the society. Now, his descriptions are of not very high class. So, I would expect people to be a bit arrogant towards him... Anyway, the rest of the plot was great.

Setting:Wow. This was the best in my opinion. I could see the whole thing happening in front of my eyes. You could provide some descriptions of the woman tho. That is the only place where I felt that the descriptions are missing. Other than that, they were fantastic. The little details here and there helped a lot to understand the scene and the tune in which you wrote too contributed to it.

All in all, it was a pretty good story.

Keep Writing!

~Forever

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Wow...this story was short, simple and yet so very...intimidating in it's tone and setting. The title itself gave me some idea about the story, but the voice of narration itself has this foreboding energy to it and you just know that something very bad is going to happen. Your descriptions are very vivid and they helped set the scene and the mood for the story. The imageries you used and the subtle comparisons have this somber quality to them. We don't know much, or rather anything about the narrator or why he is an assassin and why he killed the young man, but I think the purpose of the story was rather the descriptions than the answers behind those whys.

His right hand was the only visible part of his body, his palm was sizeable, the fingers were lengthy but bony, for it looked like he has holding the exterior of his dextral pocket, as if verifying its content.

At the anterior of the discotheque there was a stage that resembled an altar, however, it didn’t have thrones and knights, even so, it had speakers, monitors, turntables, and a king with a headset around his neck ruling on his kingdom, making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign.

As he identified the juvenile woman, he advanced budging through the mass.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

Greetings, Alfredo!

Wow, this story is quite something, huh? Short and simple with no lengthy backstories. I like it. The diction was pretty good and created some fetching visuals, and the ending was great!

I do have a few pointers you could look at, though.

One thing that glares out is that you've used commas excessively. One example is right here: "With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes" where punctuation has gone to be a little extreme. IcyFlame already pointed out how you could correct it, so I suggest you go through her review again.
This extends throughout the piece. A lot of sentences really drag on and it couldn't hurt to replace a few commas with fullstops.

making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign.

The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move,

As he identified the juvenile woman,

he approached it to her,

The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

Hey Alfredo, welcome to YWS!

I'm Icy, and I'm going to leave you a quick review on this piece of work If you have any questions about any of the comments I make - or about the site in general then feel free to reply to this review or shoot me a message separately!

Anyway, onto the actual review...

The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky.

. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes.

It was just past midnight, and with the exception of the nightclub in the distance, the city was silent

He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone.

Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement

Hey! FlamingPhoenix here to review your short story! Hahah I was a little confused when I saw there were three stories in a row with the same now. I wonder if it's just happened to be posted that way. Oh well lets get down to the review!

The moon stared at him as it glared the raven sky. It was just past midnight and the city was silent. With the exception of the night club, you could hear, in the distance, the booming noise of the speakers that scattered fortissimo notes. He stood at the back of the club patiently, as if he was expecting someone. Motionless, almost invisible, camouflaged perfectly into the ebony wall. His right hand was the only visible part of his body, his palm was sizeable, the fingers were lengthy but bony, for it looked like he has holding the exterior of his dextral pocket, as if verifying its content. Finally, he pierced through his pocket, seeking deep for an object, when he pulled his hand out, he had a ring around his index finger. He was immobile for a second, he glanced at his watch, then reacted as if waking from a deep sleep. Heading for the back door, followed only by his shadow, he entered.

The niterie was overflowing with people, who were all facing the opposite direction. At the anterior of the discotheque there was a stage that resembled an altar, however, it didn’t have thrones and knights, even so, it had speakers, monitors, turntables, and a king with a headset around his neck ruling on his kingdom, making everyone dance like soldiers obeying their sovereign. Along the left wall of the spacious room, there was a bar, stacked with bottles of many types of alcohol luminated by fluorescent, flaring, fulgurate lights. Adjacent to the protracted counter, numerous stools were occupied by a variety of people. The club was so crowded, there was barley space to move, in addition people seemed unaware of each other, drunk, high, bouncing in unison.

At the café, there was a young lady sitting, drinking, and laughing with a friend. The bar was supporting their drinks and often preventing them from falling off. They were enjoying themselves stupendously, oblivious to the sickening occurrence on the verge of developing.

As he identified the juvenile woman, he advanced budging through the mass. He progressed behind the lady and ordered a shot. His next movement was agonizing but brilliant. Discreetly, he unbalanced the chair of the lady who fell subsequently. As the friend reached down to aid the youthful girl, he did the same, simultaneously apologizing for his actions.

“Can I offer you a drink?”

He demanded, while helping her get up.

“No don’t bothe...”

“Please, that’s the least I can do.”

“Um, okay, if you insist.”

She responded, blushing and giggling.

The beverage was served, he approached it to her, lifting it with his right hand by the top of the glass. “Thank you!” She exclaimed.

“My pleasure.”

He replied as he downed his shot, the girl went back to her conversation and he proceeded to leave.

As he vanished through the army of people there was a thud, followed by a strident, sonorous, scream. As he was coursing down the parking the music ceased, the noisy silence was interrupted by the collision of the ring on the drenched asphalt. The minuscule excess of venom mixed flawlessly with the wetness of the pavement.