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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi Alfred!
Yes, more of these! I have to say though, I think you did a better job on the Carol of the Bells one. It's quite understandable, though, since that one has a simpler tune and less words to worry about, and Winter Wonderland is kind of tricky in that sense!
I think the most successful bit is the second verse. (Although you did spell "they're" "their"!) I don't mind the drilling thing, I think it's quite funny.
This is definitely the smoothest bit, so well done on that! I was wondering why you said "at" and not "in", though. I think it could be "in"!
I'm not very convinced by this one. "Shouted saying" sounds a bit weird, and I know "'rents" is quite commonly used, but unfortunately you've only managed to sound like you're desperately trying to cut down the syllable count.
I love this!
Keep doing this, because it's amusing! Remember to be extra careful with long and wordy songs like this one though
Demeter
x
Thanks for the review Demi
Hey, this is mostly well-executed, but the parts where it stumbles really bring down the whole piece, so we need to fix it up and let the FOOD APPRECIATE FLOW!
1. while I drill the fridge's contents,
^ wat? what? how are you drilling the contents? with a drill? do you mean like oil drilling? i think another word would definitely work better here. something more destructive!
2. Hungry folks, I'll send them scramming!
I'll stuff my self, instead the stocking!
Who cares, come what way,
they'd drag me away,
as long as I can gobble up the feast!
^ and then this stanza is just full of problems. let's get at them!
i know that you can say SCRAM to someone to make them leave, but i don't think it worked trying to get it into verb form. but BESIDES that, is this kid really that territorial? isn't there enough food to go around? wouldn't he enjoy company from another face-stuffer? haha, anyway, find a different word there. a different image. see what you can find that would work better with the stuff myself v. stocking thing. because it should be "instead of", and you can't just take words out to try to make meter fit. rework rework!
rework the next part, too. if they drag him away, how can he gobble up the feast? plus gobble up seems more thanksgiving than christmas. that part just doesn't make sense. like what? he'll pile it all in his arms to eat it later? i don't think so!
i like most of this! it's well done and tight. just fix up these spots to make it solid. lemme know if you have questions.
Thank you very much Hanna for your lovely review! Just a comment comment on two...stuff in the lyrics. First is the 'drill'. Well, as we know, this is humor so I think I need to really exaggerate, so instead of raid, let's make the guy DRILL the fridge, eh
? Oh, and on the scramming thing? I'm trying to show an image of someone wrong, a greedy glutton who have a misconception on Christmas, so being mean is, well, meaningful 
Anways, thank a lot for noticing the 'instead' mistake and the misleading 'drag me away'! You've been very helpful. Thanks again
Hi alfred!
This is really cute. Even though Christmas is over, it still very much feels like the holiday season to me- where I live, we just got a huge snowstorm so everything is very white as of write now! Winter Wonderland happens to be one of my favorite Holiday songs.
Lyrics can be hard, especially when you're writing to the tune of something else. One thing I might suggest is try to be a little more original. Not that this isn't original- it's cute and funny and was a pleasure to read, but I don't feel like this far enough removed from the original Winter Wonderland for me to really appreciate it on its own. Usually the best revisions of songs are usually ones that have nothing to do with the original source material, but if you're doing this for the Holiday Lyrics contest, obviously it has to stay related to the holidays.
For starters, I would really try to find a word to replace "wonderland". It's in the original song, and including it here just feels kind of lazy. This is about food, so when you go back and look at this, is there anything else you can do to expand on that aspect?
Lyrics are hard, which is why I tend to stay away from writing them myself- but you did a really good job with this, so I commend you. I hope this helps you - have a great rest of your holiday!
Thank you very much Ms. Elinor for your accolades on the piece! Sorry if it's not the best I can show you. And thanks for noticing the Wonderland thing, any ideas?
Once again, hilarious and awesome.
Whythankyou, P2P!