A very short piece that I don't really know what to do with. Any suggestions would be great, I know it's not my best work. I don't know if it should be in here or in Non-Fiction.....
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Midnight
It’s better with the window open. That way you can hear the echoes of the bangs as they ring through the suddenly empty streets. You can smell the sharp aroma of gun powder as hundreds of fireworks are set off at the same time. With your head stuck out the window, your toes grabbing onto the windowsill, trying to balance, you can almost imagine that you’re somewhere else. With the wind flinging your hair back, the clouds making waves in the sky, you can imagine a voyage. A voyage to a dream place that only you know and can see. The laughter of the couple across the street soon ends your adventure and you turn back to the fiery display.
The knowledge that the bangs aren’t coming from cold guns to be followed by people screaming, but rather are welcoming sites with colour and laughter, is comforting.
Reds, greens, even a few purples if you’re lucky. The massive ones that erupt with a boom then crackle back down to Earth, leaving you flying up past the stars.
It’s a shame that once you are absorbed by the display you begin to think about it properly. How powerful that single firework really is, lighting up the sky, making its colours and shapes rule the inky night. It shows how insignificant you really are. You’re unable to stop the show from continuing, unable to stop the years from rolling on.
The window is shut. You feel numb, you’re senses muffled.
And then…sirens.
Sometimes the world doesn’t stop for a few fireworks. Life still goes on, even if it is leaving you behind.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
You have really managed to create a rather somber atmosphere with your introduction. At once, the readers can sense that is not an ordinary story - it has something deeper to convey. Despite the fact that the story does not have a definite plot in that strict sense, but its still draws a rather sharp contrast between the horror on the streets and the beauty ecplpding in the night sky. Almost like its telling us how two forces of nature can simultaneously be at work. It really depends on which sight you choose to invest your energy.
Again, here the narrator once again draws our attention back to the temperory impotance of human beings. I have realized that it is as underlying theme of the story - the insignifiacnce of human beings in the greater picture of life. The narrator seems to stress upon this fact from time to time and it makes one wonder what exactly happened to make him adopt such a somber view of life in general.
Once or twice, I found myself wondering wjere you were planning to go with this. The story is not really a story, ratger it seems to be an excerpt of the narrator's thoughts in that moment, a portrayal of his mental state. Make sure that you have the end goal in mind. Otherwise the story will keep running in circles.
Also, try to avoid long sentences. I found quite a few of them in the story and often all they end up doing is cluttering the paragraphs.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I liked it. The descriptions were good, but it was very... modenr. Does that make sense? I mean, a lot of the pieces I read with beautiful images and description seem to be set way back, or it's just all trees and flowers and rain. I'm not saying that's bad, but it was nice to see this. Sirens, fireworks and even windows meant you could easily put yourself there.
I'm assuming this was supposed to be welcoming in the New Year? That's just how it seemed to me.
I loved the last line.
Sorry I can't be more helpful!
Overall, I liked it.
Throughout reading it, I couldn't help but think of a more defined direction for it to head: a metaphoric comparison between the awesome beauty of the fireworks compared to, say, a riot on the street with guns.
You hinted upon this a little when you mentioned the gunpowder, and the sirens at the end. I think it would be an interesting comparison in my opinion, considering they are two seemingly unrelated or opposite situations bearing some of the same traits. Like the use of gunpowder by both guns and fireworks, and both producing the color red (blood, and fire) or maybe that both fireworks and an intense riot scene involves explosions.
Something to think about maybe?
Wow, this is really powerful!
Usually I dislike pieces written in 2nd person, but I think it helped here to convey the emotion and I just...liked it.
Now, on to the nit-picky things!
I agree with Jamie Falcon that 'suddenly empty' sounds a little odd.
That sentence is kind of awkward. I think its the way you've worded it; it isn't quite a run-on, but by the time you get to the 'to be followed by people screaming', you've forgotten what you're reading about and have to re-read the phrase. If that makes any sense. =p
I'm afraid that doesn't quite make sense...what about the massive ones? Re-read the sentence and you'll see what I mean.
This is fine the way it is, but I think it would be more interesting to say something like: 'How powerful that single firework really is, lighting up the sky, etching the inky canvas of the night with glittering trails of colour and shape.'
"you're" should be 'your'.
Overall, this is really, really good. I love the kind of enigmatic feel to it; the reflection on life. Very nice.
Cheers,
Camille
I liked this piece a lot. I thought it was beautiful. I don't have too much con-crit to give.
That way you can hear the echoes of the bangs as they ring through the suddenly empty streets.
I think you should leave out the word 'suddenly', because it makes me wonder why the streets are 'suddenly empty', and that isn't what the story is about. You don't want your reader to be reading the story and then when they come to the very end, feel unsatisfied because they never found out why the streets were suddenly empty. =P
With the wind flinging your hair back, the clouds making waves in the sky, you can imagine a voyage--a voyage to a dream place that only you know, and can see.
Hyphens work really well when there's a break in the sentence, and you get the same effect without having to start a new sentence. Other than that stuff, AWESOME job! =D I love it!
I really liked the description of things, although I was a bit confused. You were talking about fireworks, am I correct? Then why would there be sirens? I don't know, please tell me if I'm just being dim because I didn't understand the end part of it.
Le wow. That was amazing. The description was good, and use of second-person really helped.