This is a very, very short piece I wrote for Jennafina's contest. It doesn't have a point or real storyline. It's meant to be a paint-able scene.
__________
She fingered the golden locket. The engraved words stung her eyes. It was too soon- it hurt too much for her to hold her mothers jewellery.
Always And Forever
The words glinted in the little light that was coming from the window. The summer sun was just rising, sending pinks and oranges across the bedroom floor. Her blonde curls fell across her face, hiding her red, inflamed eyes that had endured sleepless nights and torrents of tears. Her petite body shook with silent sobs. Her mothers voice filled her ears; words of comfort, words of advice.
“Move on, Emily. Look after yourself. Sleep. Eat.”
“I can’t!” Emily bawled, raising her fist, the delicate locket dangling from it. Her cheeks shone with tears, her blue eyes contrasting with the crimson rings around them. “I can’t without you.”
She threw herself down onto the brown duvet and the locket fell next to her. The catch unhooked and the locket lay open. Darkness engulfed the rest of the room, rays of light catching random colours only.
Emily lay staring at the beautiful picture of her mother and father. She was alone completely now, in a house she couldn’t afford to keep, with a baby she couldn’t look after.
“Please come back,” whispered Emily. “Please.”
The sun rose on a girl with blonde tresses, fast asleep, clutching a golden locket.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really beautiful story and I loved all the emotions you managed to capture through it. Your writing styles is really simple and yet elegantly descriptive. Your words pack a punch and they resonate deep inside making us empathize with your character. I could feel her pain, her loss and her complete despair as she grieves for her mother.
I don't really think the 'for her' is really necessary in this sentence. It sticks out of the sentence a bit awkwardly and the readers do not need to be told who is hurting. It is very obvious and there's no need to separately point it out. I think it would work better if you rephrase the sentence as : " It was too soon- it hurt her too much to hold her mother's jewellery."
I loved the description in this part. You have painted a rather vivid picture for us with the help of subtle descriptions that really compliment the vibe of he story as well. Your descriptions have been placed with purpose and I liked how they enhanced the text, emphasizing the loss you have been trying to portray. I also liked how naturally you gave us an adequate description of the main character as well without really feeling like it was there just for the sake of the story.
I liked how realistic this part was - her desperate call to her mother to be there with her again was very believable and I could really feel her pain in that moment. However, I think you could have delved a little deeper in your exploration of her feelings in that moment. For example, right now she is helpless and desperate and lost because she does not know how to go on. The responsibility of the house and the baby are upon her shoulders and she is not ready for it. Instead of capturing that in a single sentence, I think you can really expand on it to give us a further idea of her mental state.
Overall, this was a really lovely and emotional story. I do feel that if it had been longer, perhaps we could have explored her emotions and feelings even better. There is only so much you can fit inside such a short piece after all. But even then, this was a really beautiful story and thank you for sharing it with us.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Nice. I really liked it. I just think that there could be a bit more emotion, I didn't really feel sorry for the girl.
But if it's supposed to be a paintable scene, then I guess it's description that counts, and not emotion and stuff.
I liked it!
Mothers = mother's
Mothers = mother's
Very pretty, and hope it goes well in the contest!
I liked it, very interesting. It does show the feeling of utter and complete hoplesness the character is feeling.
The last snetance didnt sit too well with me, i dont know why. Perhaps change it about a bit. The whole sunshine on a person is a bit over done in my opinion.
But like i said it is good.
-Steve
wow. that's really good. there was a very strong feeling of helplessness that even the reader could feel. Even though this piece was short, i got a good sense of what could have happened, what still can happen, etc. it would be cool if you expanded on it.i would definitely read it =]