Please note: This is just something I wrote on the spur of the moment late at night. I'm not sure what to call it or what to do with it. I'm considering using it as a prolouge to something new. I'd love feedback on everything. Mainy if it was engaging enough and whether my writing is actually strong enough for a prolouge. Thanks!
Sometimes there is one image that is so burnt into your mind that it haunts you in your sleep as well as your waking hours. It’s tattooed onto your brain and will remain there until another image or sound replaces it; pushing it out with a force that you have no control over. It feeds on your sanity, hiding behind each blink of your eyes and every dark corner. No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away. It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun. Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.
The image will not relent.
The image will not disappear.
It weaves itself into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time. Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the bile rising up from your churning gut and feel the burn of acid tears.
It takes control of your whole body; paralysing every limb. The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound round your brain, your heart, your soul.
It has a simple strategy.
Behind it is a simple reason.
Fear.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Great work.
But these are the two problems I had with it:
It was mentioned before, but it is the thing that glares at me evilly, so I must say it.
I don't like "BAM." It ripped me out of my drawn in state and made me think, ehh-?
I was expecting it to go from like a voice over narration to a monster bursting in on horror story hour.
Maybe,
It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone--it may not appear for many settings of the sun, but when you least expect it, it rams its way to the forefront of your mind, dragging you back in time.
or
It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone--it may not appear for many settings of the sun, but when you least expect it, it rams its way to the forefront of your mind.
Images that you back in time; an unrelenting, unyielding force.
---
Less of an actual issue for me and more of a nit-pick-ish thing.
Each occasion that it appears, your heart pounds--thundering in your ears. Tasting only bile, your stomach churns as tears of acid sear your cheeks.
I can't say that I actually love my "thoughts" on a different version of that bit, but like I said it was a personal nit-pick. It just seemed oddly phrased. Not really even that though--Can't say it just bugged me.
Definitely great work though. Aside from "BAM" I was yours hook, line and sinker.
I don't really know what to say, but I do think you have the writing style to do a prologue & i think that that one is a good one to real the reader in & get him/her hooked. Very good & will look forward to seeing any progressions you have made from it ..
Lucy xx
The long critiques are done... but I'll say my piece. I thought this was exciting and enticing, and you had a great range of sentence structure (yay for that). I like how your tone is what I would call analytical:
It's cool and collected and gives the reader something more, without edging into patronising.
I, too, hate the BAM. Please scrap it.
These sentences were very powerful. I think it was what it needed.
Despite all this, like Avens Dolor, I don't think you should use this for a prologue; it's very final, if you know what I mean, and as good as it is, it doesnt make me go: 'Ooh, what happened to make this fear arise?' That's no dig on your story-telling; it's just that I see this more as a stand-alone piece. Well, it's your choice.
Great job, over all.
L x
I really liked this. Short, sweet, effective. I love your use of imagery, and I think it's ideal as a prologue.
I particularly liked that - the use of metaphor, and extension of it is very effective.
I don't think this really goes very well with the rest of the piece. It's very medieval-fantasy in style ('it may come to be', 'many settings of the sun' - the convoluted, indirectness is like something out of LOTR, if you see what I mean?), and, particularly when contrasted with the less formal, more modern 'BAM' immediately afterwards makes it sound out of place. It makes the sentence jerky, and interrupts its natural flow.
I've adjusted it to how I think it will look better - splitting the sentence, and putting a dash in place of a comma after 'There', which adds more impact to both the 'BAM' and the second half.
Effective separation of lines, with repetition of 'The image' adding emphasis - I like this.
I, personally, would get rid of the 'itself', but I think that's up to personal interpretation. Either way it makes sense, though I prefer the shorter, snappier sound without the 'itself'.
I dunno... I'm thinking 'wrapped' instead of 'wound', but 'wound' seems to flow better. So just a suggestion I'm throwing in there. Either is good (and probably your version is better
Again, I like the use of individual lines for emphasis, but, in terms of content, I'm a little confused here. On the surface it all seems to make sense, but, looking at it thoroughly, it seems a bit disjointed. It's difficult to explain, but 'It has a simple strategy' doesn't seem to flow well into 'Behind it is a simple reason', which again doesn't seem to flow well into 'Fear'. I think the last two would be OK, but the inclusion of the first line is throwing me off a bit. But, at the same time, you need something before the second line, otherwise we'd be completely off.
I think the main thing that's niggling at me here is the fact that, through the whole thing, you haven't personalised the image, and now, all of a sudden, it has a strategy. You've suddenly given it a human trait. I think it's also incredibly difficult to lead into 'Fear' being the reason, as it's only one word - reasons tend to be sentence long, so as to explain why they're reasons. So the one-word use of 'Fear' seems, perhaps, too abrupt an ending.
I'll stop rambling, now, but I hope I've helped. I think those last three lines just need a little re-arranging - and I think I'm obsessing a little too much over them. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's not bad the way it is - but it can be better, I think, and you're more than capable of doing that.
Anywhoo, hope I helped,
~Kyle
Comments in red.
I don't think that I would call this a prologue, as it doesn't really expose anything prior to a story. Depending on how you followed it, however, I could be proven wrong. It was quite short, and yet seemed drawn out because you only really described the "fear" and "the image" from one perspective, and so you basically have multiple paragraphs stating the same thing. By the time I reached the second long paragraph I was going "All right already, I get it!"
Now that I've said all of that, I want to assure you that I can see this becoming a good story. For a late-night scribble it has huge potential, and, with a little refining, I think that you'll find a strong and compelling voice for the piece.
Best of luck, and let me know if you continue it. I'd be happy to offer a review on this or anything else.
Avens
The promised review.
Highlighted Comments
1. Didn’t you just say it was always there?
2. Yes, it will. For a while.
3. I don’t know why, but I found this slightly odd.
4. You used several styles here; I suggest sticking with one. ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, taste the bile rising up from your churning gut, feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, taste the bile rising up from your churning gut, and feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the pile rising up from your churning gut, you feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the pile rising up from your churning gut, and you feel the burn of acid tears.’
5. This makes the last line loose effect. Maybe ‘…your soul. It has a simple strategy, a simple reason.’
Overall Comments
Ali, you are awesome. ;P When you said ‘sorry about the length,’ I thought it would be long! I love short pieces! ;P (And ask for more crits anytime – you’ve done so many for me, I owe you!)
Well, there’s not much more to say. I loved this; it certainly hooked me. I actually like the mystery used, and, as long as the rest continues well, this will be a nice little story.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
Definately use it as a prologue! It'd make me curious to read the rest. ^_^
The only things I didn't like were,
I don't what it is about this, but it doesn't feel right. I think maybe it's too long for an opening sentence. Break it up so that you start with something short and punchy - an immediate hook - and then bring the rest in as another sentence.
and this,
The BAM is out out of place. Before, your language has been, I don't know, sophisticated? "tattooed on your brain" "feeding on your sanity" and the BAM comes off as juvenile.
Apart from that, it was very good, though short.
Very, very nice.
It was very powerful and emotional, but not in a sad way. More in a strong way.
I don't think this could be a piece by itself, but it would work well as a prologue. And I don't think the title does it justice.
I think you should change the 'ropes have wound your brain' bit, I got confused and had to read it a few times before I got it.
Apart from that, it was really good. Let me know if you turn this into anything!
Wow, I loved that. I thought the style was very interesting and engaging, and it drew me in. Of course, it confuses me, but not a problem!
Very powerfulI thought this was very strongly written, and I am very interested for more here, if a little just a little, cliche opening. Not bad though, because of the way you shed a new light on it, and for that I really enjoyed it. It was very short though, so it would be a strange prologue.
Very good, and I wish I could say more.
Keep writing!
-Mark
It's definitely engaging enough to expand, as long as there's a story equally as engaging that you can come up with. If you don't have a story that you're happy with, leave it as it is. It works on its own, and I'd hate to see it being used as a prologue for a less impressive story.
I also agree about the BAM part. I just don't think it fits the rest of piece very well. I'm not sure what else you could do with it though.
One other suggestion :
I think there are too many syllables. It doesn't read as smoothly as the rest. I would suggest:
"though many often try to wash it away."
or even
"though many try to wash it away"
You'd be cutting out unnecessary words, but you'd keep the general feeling of the sentence.
Other than that, very good. I hope you figure out what to do with it
Josh
I don't have much time, but I just wanted to tell you that, regardless of it's rather short length, I liked it.
Only thing I didn't like was the "BAM it's there" part. Also, you forgot to pu a space between two of the paragraphs.
If you expand this I would be interested to see where you go with it. But if you don't, I'm thinking of this more as some sort of poetry. I would suggest you move it to one of the selections if you decide not to expand.
Good job. Way to go with capturing the reader's attention. But you need to decide... expand, or not to expand? this is the question...
Keep writing.