Young Writers Society

Great work.

But these are the two problems I had with it:

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun. Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the bile rising up from your churning gut and feel the burn of acid tears.

I don't really know what to say, but I do think you have the writing style to do a prologue & i think that that one is a good one to real the reader in & get him/her hooked. Very good & will look forward to seeing any progressions you have made from it ..

Lucy xx

The long critiques are done... but I'll say my piece. I thought this was exciting and enticing, and you had a great range of sentence structure (yay for that). I like how your tone is what I would call analytical:

It’s tattooed onto your brain and will remain there until another image or sound replaces it; pushing it out with a force that you have no control over.

The image will not relent.


The image will not disappear.

Cpt. Smurf wrote:I really liked this. Short, sweet, effective. I love your use of imagery, and I think it's ideal as a prologue - it would definitely make me want to read more.

No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away.

I particularly liked that - the use of metaphor, and extension of it is very effective.

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun.

I don't think this really goes very well with the rest of the piece. It's very medieval-fantasy in style ('it may come to be', 'many settings of the sun' - the convoluted, indirectness is like something out of LOTR, if you see what I mean?), and, particularly when contrasted with the less formal, more modern 'BAM' immediately afterwards makes it sound out of place. It makes the sentence jerky, and interrupts its natural flow.

Then - BAM! It’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

I've adjusted it to how I think it will look better - splitting the sentence, and putting a dash in place of a comma after 'There', which adds more impact to both the 'BAM' and the second half.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

Effective separation of lines, with repetition of 'The image' adding emphasis - I like this.

It weaves [s]itself[/s] into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time.

I, personally, would get rid of the 'itself', but I think that's up to personal interpretation. Either way it makes sense, though I prefer the shorter, snappier sound without the 'itself'.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound/wrapped around your brain, your heart, your soul.

I dunno... I'm thinking 'wrapped' instead of 'wound', but 'wound' seems to flow better. So just a suggestion I'm throwing in there. Either is good (and probably your version is better ). 'round' should be changed to 'around' - the former is too short, and causes the reader to rush slightly through the climax of the piece to keep up, when they should be maintaining a steady rhythm. Having the extra syllable allows us to keep that rhythm.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear.

Again, I like the use of individual lines for emphasis, but, in terms of content, I'm a little confused here. On the surface it all seems to make sense, but, looking at it thoroughly, it seems a bit disjointed. It's difficult to explain, but 'It has a simple strategy' doesn't seem to flow well into 'Behind it is a simple reason', which again doesn't seem to flow well into 'Fear'. I think the last two would be OK, but the inclusion of the first line is throwing me off a bit. But, at the same time, you need something before the second line, otherwise we'd be completely off.

I think the main thing that's niggling at me here is the fact that, through the whole thing, you haven't personalised the image, and now, all of a sudden, it has a strategy. You've suddenly given it a human trait. I think it's also incredibly difficult to lead into 'Fear' being the reason, as it's only one word - reasons tend to be sentence long, so as to explain why they're reasons. So the one-word use of 'Fear' seems, perhaps, too abrupt an ending.

I'll stop rambling, now, but I hope I've helped. I think those last three lines just need a little re-arranging - and I think I'm obsessing a little too much over them. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's not bad the way it is - but it can be better, I think, and you're more than capable of doing that.

Anywhoo, hope I helped,

~Kyle

I really liked this. Short, sweet, effective. I love your use of imagery, and I think it's ideal as a prologue.

No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away.

It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun.

Then - BAM! It’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

It weaves [s]itself[/s] into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound/wrapped around your brain, your heart, your soul.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear.

Comments in red.

Alainna wrote: Sometimes there is one image that is so burnt into your mind that it haunts you in your sleep as well as your waking hours. This is a little long and winding for an opening sentence. "that is so burnt into your mind that it" is the section, I think, where it feels the most labored. See if you can't find a more direct way of writing it. It’s tattooed onto your brain and will remain there until another image or sound replaces it; Your semicolon should be a comma. pushing it out with a force that you have no control over. This seems to contradict a lot of what you've been saying. You say, in the next line, that it "feeds on your sanity", but here you suggest that it can be shaken off if something else happens. Unless you provide examples of what you mean, this sentence will weaken the others. It feeds on your sanity, hiding behind each blink of your eyes and every dark corner. No amount of tears can shift this image, though many people often try to wash it away. It may come to be that you believe the image to be gone – it may not appear for many settings of the sun. "many settings of the sun" is not the best way to put that. It sounds like you're trying to hard to be dramatic, and doesn't fit the diction of the rest of the passage. Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

The off-set lines aren't really dramatic enough to be sitting out there all on their lonesome, and don't have the punch that I think you're looking for.

It weaves itself into your subconscious, so it may creep up on you at any time. But I thought that it was always there. Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the bile rising up from your churning gut and feel the burn of acid tears. "Each occasion that it appears" could easily be something shorter and less labored ie "Every time it creeps up" etc.It takes control of your whole body; Comma, not semicolon. paralysing Paralyzing. every limb. The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound round your brain, your heart, your soul.

It has a simple strategy.

Behind it is a simple reason.

Fear. Fear is the strategy, yes? I don't think that the image really has a reason to bother you; it just kind of exists... I'm not sure I understand your concept here.

The promised review.



Highlighted Comments

1. Didn’t you just say it was always there?
2. Yes, it will. For a while.
3. I don’t know why, but I found this slightly odd.
4. You used several styles here; I suggest sticking with one. ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, taste the bile rising up from your churning gut, feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, taste the bile rising up from your churning gut, and feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the pile rising up from your churning gut, you feel the burn of acid tears.’ OR ‘Each occasion that it appears you hear the pump of your own blood, you taste the pile rising up from your churning gut, and you feel the burn of acid tears.’
5. This makes the last line loose effect. Maybe ‘…your soul. It has a simple strategy, a simple reason.’

Overall Comments

Ali, you are awesome. ;P When you said ‘sorry about the length,’ I thought it would be long! I love short pieces! ;P (And ask for more crits anytime – you’ve done so many for me, I owe you!)

Well, there’s not much more to say. I loved this; it certainly hooked me. I actually like the mystery used, and, as long as the rest continues well, this will be a nice little story.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Definately use it as a prologue! It'd make me curious to read the rest. ^_^

The only things I didn't like were,

Sometimes there is one image that is so burnt into your mind that it haunts you in your sleep as well as your waking hours.

Then, BAM, it’s there when you least expect it, dragging you back in time.

Very, very nice.

It was very powerful and emotional, but not in a sad way. More in a strong way.

I don't think this could be a piece by itself, but it would work well as a prologue. And I don't think the title does it justice.

The image won’t leave you – its ropes have wound round your brain, your heart, your soul.

Wow, I loved that. I thought the style was very interesting and engaging, and it drew me in. Of course, it confuses me, but not a problem!

I thought this was very strongly written, and I am very interested for more here, if a little just a little, cliche opening. Not bad though, because of the way you shed a new light on it, and for that I really enjoyed it. It was very short though, so it would be a strange prologue.

The image will not relent.

The image will not disappear.

It's definitely engaging enough to expand, as long as there's a story equally as engaging that you can come up with. If you don't have a story that you're happy with, leave it as it is. It works on its own, and I'd hate to see it being used as a prologue for a less impressive story.

I also agree about the BAM part. I just don't think it fits the rest of piece very well. I'm not sure what else you could do with it though.

One other suggestion :

Alainna wrote:though many people often try to wash it away

I don't have much time, but I just wanted to tell you that, regardless of it's rather short length, I liked it.

Only thing I didn't like was the "BAM it's there" part. Also, you forgot to pu a space between two of the paragraphs.

If you expand this I would be interested to see where you go with it. But if you don't, I'm thinking of this more as some sort of poetry. I would suggest you move it to one of the selections if you decide not to expand.

Good job. Way to go with capturing the reader's attention. But you need to decide... expand, or not to expand? this is the question...

Keep writing.