If I could ever love again,
I hope it won't be you
You weren't the light that pierced the darkness,
weren't the breeze that eased my heart.
Never the warmth that melts my coldness,
Nor my soulmate — from the start.
You're loud and downright annoying,
Obnoxious — without even trying.
I'm sick of all your cries and whining
Yet I can't help myself from falling
For all those times we were together,
you gradually filled my heart.
With all the stares and all the laughter,
I thought Spring's about to start.
But then I saw you look at him,
eyes lush — and sparkling.
The way you smile when he is near,
gaze soft — and oh so dear!
That moment I knew,
I already lost.
The only girl, I treasured—
the most
You weren't the light, cause you're the dawn,
weren't the breeze, cause you're the storm
Never the warmth as coldness grew,
like winter's chill, so sad — and blue
So in my heart, I wish in vain
If I could ever love again,
I hope—
It won't be you
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,868 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
Hey, AiMushroom,
Welcome to YWS! Please accept my humble review, poetry definitely not being my strong suit but I'll do my best.
First off, the poem comes off very earnest, which I like. I think the first 2 lines of stanza 2 work well and kind of bounces when you read it - obnoxious, annoying - and I think that's something I'd lean into. Making it conversational makes it feel like I've got a direct line to the reader's feelings, like it's stream of conciousness and he's really just telling it to the ex.
My main feedback would actually be to resist the urge to make the writing overly ornate (e.g. last 2 lines of second last stanza). Keeping the narrator sad, a little bewildered, and hurt in a simple, more childish kind of way, gives the emotion a pure sort of quality to it, but that works best when the language is pared down. If you're like me, the urge to stylise and then work over the words is like a kneejerk reaction, but I always have to go and cut them back. Is there a way you can keep some of the imagery in but simplify vocabulary choices to give it more of that conversational air? (e.g. words and phrases like "in vain", or "oh so dear").
Please take with a grain (or a large helping) of salt. I'm a terrible poet.
-Jake
Ooh I didn't even noticed, I'll try! I'm writing it from the narrators point of view so maybe that's what it makes it natural ^^
I like how you subvert the expectations of a romantic poem and make it the opposite: someone realising they no longer love a person, and all the reasons why. I like the poem's structure, which fluctuates between longer and shorter stanzas, as it feels like the push and pull of a mind trying to evaluate a past love. The second stanza and the second-to-last stanza complete the poem's journey, explaining why the person wasn't the light, the breeze or the warmth, and this makes me feel like the first and last stanzas aren't really needed as much. They simply exist to remind us what the poem is going to be about, and then reiterate that the speaker wouldn't love the person again, which is explained through the poem anyway.
The rhythm and meter are a bit off. There are times when there is an ABAC rhyme scheme, and some where there is ABCC, and one stanza with just close rhymes (annoying/trying/whining/falling), and this did trip me up a bit when I read this aloud. Tightening some of these would improve the flow.
Overall, a nice poem that subverts tropes! Good work <3
Thank you for the review I'll keep it in mind next time! Also, when I intended for him (the narrator) to have a love-hate relationship with the girl and is in the denial stage of an unrequited love hehe (≧▽≦)