*please note this was written in 2016*
Chapter one
Mr Racoon was alone. He had no friends or any family. He had to beg for food because he was never taught how to hunt. Mr raccoon was still young, he was only 10 years old. He got his food from a kind man at the farmers market.
The next day, mr racoon was on the way to the farmers market to get his food when he noticed something moving in the grass. I've never seen that before said Mr. raccoon. I'll go and see it he thought. But right then he remembered how hungry he was. Never mind he thought thought and he kept going to the farmers market.
When Mr. raccoon got to the farmers market, the kind man was there to greet him with food. Hello, said the kind man. Mr. raccoon gave the kind man a big smile. The kind man laughed and handed Mr. raccoon some food. For some reason, the kind man looked not as happy as always. Mr. raccoon looked at the kind man, and the man seemed to understand what Mr. raccoon was trying to say. OK I'll tell you, he said, I didn't want you to be scared, so I wasn't going to tell you. There's a storm coming the man, it's going to be big he said. I best recommend that you find somewhere safe to hide out until it ends.
Mr. raccoon was on his way back when he remembered the moving shape in the grass. Oh, yeah, he thought I'll go and check it out. When he reached the spot he had been before he saw the shape, moving in the grass again. Mr. raccoon walked over to see something that looked like a kitten in the grass. Hello Mr. raccoon. There's a pause and the kitten stopped moving. Then the kitten slowly turned its head until it could not turn anymore then took a step and slowly turned around. The kitten stared at Mr. raccoon then, after a minute of staring said hello who are you? I am Mr. raccoon or I think I am, that's what the kind man always calls me. Who's the man ask the kitten. He's a worker at the farmers market. Who are you? Ask Mr. raccoon?Me? I'm a kitten, said the kitten. I know said Mr. raccoon but what's your name? I don't know, said the kitten, I don't have a family. Really! Said Mr. raccoon. Me too, he said! Cool, said the kitten! Wait, said Mr. raccoon. What said the kitten, I think that we should make you a name. Yeah I said the kitten. What about… Chloe? Perfect said Chloe! Whoa, Chloe cried. What said Mr. raccoon? A bird! Chloe yelled! Awesome said Mr. raccoon. Just then Mr. raccoon, and Chloe started to chase the bird. A few hours later, the bird was finally too far to see and Mr. raccoon, and Chloe were out of breath.I think it's getting dark. Chloe said. Yeah, said Mr. raccoon we need to find somewhere to rest. What about over there said Chloe pointing to a field of high grass. Sure, said Mr. raccoon.
When Mr. raccoon woke the first thing he heard was a soft and steady pur coming from Chloe. As he came to his senses, he realized that Chloe was leaning on his tummy. He slowly moved away, but then Chloe snapped awake. Who… What… Where? Chloe? Said Mr. raccoon. Oh it's just you said she said. Are you OK? Ask Mr. raccoon? Why wouldn't I be she asked? Never mind said Mr. raccoon let's eat said Chloe I'm starving. OK said Mr. raccoon.
When they got to the farmers market the kind man was already sitting outside and waiting for him. Well hello there said the kind man and who is this with you? Well here you go he said passing them some food. Whoa said chloe! Ive never seen so much food in my life!
After they were done they went and chased a big red bird in the park and played. There it is shouted chloe! Yay shouted mr racoon! Across the street a man said ive never seen a racoon and a cat playing together! Anybody can be friends mr racoon thought. MR RACOONN! WHAT! SAID MR RACOON turning to chloe! You were daydreaming she said. Its getting dark i think we should go to bed said mr racoon. I…i..guesss said chloe. I mean no im fine thanks. Um ok said mr racoon, lets go back to the grass patch. Ok said chloe.
Here it is said mr racoon. Great said chloe. Goodnight chloe said mr racoon. G…g…g…goodnite she said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey there! This is a pretty profound confession - albeit if it is from personal experience. It may not be, and I may just be assuming, so if I'm wrong, let me know! If true-life events do not inspire it, you put the narrator into that space well. I felt like I was reading a personal diary entry wrapped in life advice and wisdom meant to be bestowed upon the reader. It felt intrusive yet intentional. There are many great word choices in this passage. The following stand out: privy, nuance, rift, marred, multifaceted, inexorable, and more! The richness of the word choice added to the intensity of your inability to trust and let this person in, causing the relationship's demise. This cautionary tale is very relatable, and the way this is written made me feel like I was reliving my own situation as if this was my own pain. It is almost written like a speech but also feels so deeply held that it forgoes into an intimacy that is less formal than a speech. The blending of these two formats and styles really made this enjoyable. Overall, I enjoyed reading it. The advice at the end with the closing paragraph: "Let us remember that our interactions with others, their impact on our lives, and our influence on theirs are complex and multifaceted. The dynamics of human relationships often defy simple explanation, leaving us with memories that linger long after the connections themselves have faded," this is a message worthy of a speech to the masses! Kudos to you. Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. <3
Hey Ailah, here to review in honor of Review Month, let's take a look shall we?
This piece comes across so heart-felt, it feels part-poetry, part-blog, part-article and it works very well together in very clearly communicating your experience, feelings, and intensions.
I think there are many people can relate to the feelings expressed here even though they are personal to you. I certainly can relate to this experience! Love is complicated (soooo complicated) and although the movies portray it as boy & girl fall together and then everything falls into place~ because we each carry complicated histories sometimes it's simply not that simple and especially so when our former relationships / friendships / family-origins did not make us feel secure in our relationships or who we are. It's hard to overcome the way your heart is wired from our past - but super valuable to be aware of.
I think what you describe about self-sabotaging a relationship / overthinking the relationship, because you had trouble believing it was real / or that you wouldn't get hurt is probably a more common experience than people would admit. There's a vulnerability to love - because we open ourselves up to be known for who we are and hurt for showing the deepest parts of ourselves.
I'm sorry for whatever experiences you've had that have led up this situation - and if I can give some totally unsolicited advice, would say it may very well be worth letting the person know about your growth / thinking / reflections on the break-down of the relationship - even if there isn't reconciliation there is certainly value in having the chance to share your feelings so that unsaid important things aren't left hanging - it may even give a sense of closure to the situation. For what it's worth I think it is very strong of you to have been able to do some of this deep reflection and hopefully it'll maybe even help someone else to read it.
I don't have very many suggestions especially for what seems like such a formal piece - I thought it was a little odd to have begun with "Ladies and gentlemen" just in that for me it sort of set up a tone where I didn't know what to expect?
The vibe I ended up getting at the end was a reflective, somber, hoping, longing tone - that I could imagine being read in the background of a documentary or drama-movie while the camera pans up to the stars and the scene slowly fades. It's dramatic, but doesn't feel manufactured or petty or immature - it feels sincere and heart-felt (which is sometimes hard to capture in writing!)
I think that you've got some really strong poetic-feeling lines in here that would be interesting to expand on, or even do a poetry pairing with. For instance
^^ How gorgeous is that line!
The language you use throughout also certainly makes the piece feel very elevated, there's strong word choice throughout littered with little metaphors too - I didn't catch any typos / or places that I thought the phrasing was off, so very good job editing this too! I would love to read more poems on this subject and wish you all the best in your writing and life endeavors - please let me know if there was an aspect you wanted me to say more about in my review and I'd be happy to try my best.
alliyah