When it seems life is short
In darkness chambers, close your eyes and see what comes forth
Many countless stars in the sky
Your dream is to be up there high
While in your mind opportunities grow scarce
Inventions are nowhere but in your mind
Greatness isn’t achieved overnight
And while you sleep and fold hands
Poverty knocks at your door and come nigh
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Hey there, AgyeiJohnson20! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your poetry to Review Day! ^^
First off, your flow trips up a little bit. I can see the rhyme you're going for, but those first two lines don't quite work. I'm trying to put my finger on it, but I am not quite sure what doesn't work. I think it's "darkness"? Also, that second line is rather long and it looks to me that you've done this deliberately to make it rhyme? Rhyme isn't always necessary in poetry. There's plenty of poetry that's lovely without rhyme. Might I suggest something for those first two lines?
This reads so much better. It was definitely "darkness" that tripped me up. I switched that to "darkened", mostly because it makes more sense. I think I prefer this wording. ^^
I suggest you put punctuation in. Poetry doesn't necessarily need it, but it helps the reader find all the pauses and stuff. Right now, as someone reading this poem, I'm a little lost as to where you want me to pause? There are no commas or full stops, or any other kind of punctuation. I highly recommend using it. Not because the poem needs it, but purely because it helps your readers with flow and pauses and the like. I also recommend stanzas. That is, paragraphs that reflect certain aspects of the poem. There are no stanzas here, which also give the reader a chance to pause and catch their breath. Makes sense, right?
This sentence is incomplete an completely disjointed. It doesn't work with the previous lines or the next lines. What was the point you were trying to make here? Unless, of course, the lack of punctuation is messing with me. Perhaps it's meant to be this;
Like so? I suppose that makes sense, but I'm still confused here. Many stars in the sky what? Because you're not clarifying anything here. Rereading this poem, it does seem very disjointed. You need clarity here. Otherwise you're just going to confuse the readers.
Your imagery was lacking, as well as any clarity you were trying to give us. The flow was okay, a little stunted by the forced-rhyme you were trying to go for, and you might want to expand on this subject, as well as expand your vocabulary. That's about all the advice I can give you today. I hope I've helped.
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Hello AgyeiJohnson20,
First off, I have to say that I like what you're trying to do here with the end rhyme. It feels like you're trying to make a poem that doesn't have forced rhyme, but still has a loose rhythm, and I think, for the most part, you're successful. Aside from a few rhymes in this poem, it's not very noticeable that you are rhyming which is what you want.
I do think that the poem could use some improvement when it comes to some other areas though. For instance, with clarity. Like another reviewer pointed out, some of the ways that you say things in this poem just doesn't make that much sense in English. This could be because you're not normally speaking English, or because your particular grammar is different than mine, but the end result is still that it doesn't really fit with the standard expectations of English.
Overall, I feel like this poem tried to bite off too much. You're trying to talk about things that are just too large for a single poem in my perspective. This is a poem about hardship and loss according to the last two stanzas, but the first two stanzas are trying to talk about hope. Which is it? In the middle, we get a lot of mixed images as well, like dreaming, and reaching for the stars, and building what you want yourself to be, but they don't really fit together aside from in their little rhymed couplets.
What I'd love to see you do is write a poem without rhyme, without trying to force it to sound like something "you" should do or feel or are, and write a first person [I] poem about events which lead to these thoughts. This could generate a very different feel for you in a poem and you might like it, you might hate it, but you'll have another poem! More poems are a good thing.
I really want to see more of your language because the way that you go about decorating your poems with particular words like "fold hands" it's unique and interesting. That image of folded hands really caught my attention in this poem and held it there because that could be in prayer or in rest like you're holding your hands together over your chest, or under your head or somewhere. It was a specific detail that I liked seeing. I can't wait to see if you do my challenge to you. Tag me if you do.
HEELLO Agyei Johnson,
A poem about giving hope to yourself. I realize that this poem is similar to your latest one "Peasant Souls on a Worthy Land". Both are about poverty.
This poem, I guess, is about self motivation. In the end, you are the only one you can trust. You can never lie to yourself because you already know what you are thinking. "Inventions are nowhere but in your mind" was inspirational for me. Copying other people, depending on other people won't get me anywhere. I need to be independent. I need to create something one my own. Only then will I have true hope.
After reading this poem, I actually felt self motivation. So I thank you for writing this because it sparked a new hope in me. It's a good life lesson too.
Keep hoping,
Night Kaizer
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review.
The concept is good, even if common. But some words were not clear, like 'darkness chambers'. Did you mean dark chambers or chambers of darkness. 'Comes forth' and the next line doesn't seem in sync. Maybe 'is forth' would do, based on what is the real meaning. Also, the use of 'mind' in this line— 'While in your mind opportunities grow scarce'. Please tell me the meaning if I am wrong. But I really like the last four lines. Superbly written. Though, if you would have used punctuation it would have been better. One more thing— I am not sure regarding the use of 'nigh'. Overall, a good poem with a nice meaning. Please don't get demotivated. I am sure you have a great potential. I will love to read more from you.