I have a question
Can I punch you in the face?
That would be nice. Thanks.
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Canary word: Present
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Yeah, like anyone would reply, 'Yeah, sure, Madam. I'd love a feisty punch to my face'.
I don't know what to comment, as I'm not sure if this writing style is some form of poetry. If it is, please tell me. :p
Anyway, nice, but I still think you should've considered the fact that no one would reply "Yes".
I mean, probably you did consider it, but then you should've written the next line according to it. Just saying.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
It's too many syllables for all that you want.
It's a haiku. Also, the last line doesn't HAVE to imply they said yes, they could be sitting there shocked OR they wouldn't have to be there? Imagine that!
Oh, yeah! I hadn't thought of that. Good work, anyhow!
Oh, yeah! I hadn't thought of that. Good work, anyhow!
No, no you may not.
This is every single poem I have ever written...
Except that this one is good, +80 kudos to you.
Also, how was this at number one? Astounding.
This comment or the poem?
the poem
Cause it's clear and I don't go around and ask people to read it.
*clever
danget, i only did that a little bit ):
HAHAHA! OH MY GOSH! This is totally me on a bad day.
Ahem. Let's jump into this totally-serious review with totally-not-laughing-or-smiling looks on our faces.
To start with, I applaud you for keeping to the syllabic style of the ancient form of haiku, though I could have asked for more deep imagery to go with. After all, the haiku is usually used to convey a certain image, whether it be of life, death, the sea, spring, etc. The narrator's wish to punch the recipient, be it the audience or an unnamed third party, in the face, could be conveyed through a variety of natural phenomena that the narrator observes while in their home, interacting with the recipient, or in some other setting—for example, a reminiscence of their goldfish eating one another with especial ferocity when interacting with the recipient.
Other than this, I feel I must criticize that there is no ending punctuation at the end of the first line. After all, the rest of the haiku is properly punctuated, so it's clearly breaking your established form if you don't have the punctuation after the first line—you could have a colon, a dash, or a period, each with its own mood and its own way of separating the first line from the second.
A period might imply that the narrator is rather abrupt, and speaking in short bursts rather than a prolonged sentence, which is supported by the final line, and that might support the idea that the narrator was not raised to be gentle or skilled with speech. This might explain their forthrightness in asking if they could punch the recipient in the face, though that could open up a plot hole where they didn't simply punch without asking—you would need to fill that in with some hint that they had been raised politely, to ask before punching.
A colon might imply that the narrator is less abrupt about their manner of speech, and they're simply flowing into this dialogue without any pause or hesitation, while a dash might imply that the narrator is a little hesitant or, perhaps, a little militant in their desire to punch the recipient in the face. Each of these also carry with them the same weight of characterization, so I urge you to consider each, and choose wisely, for they may confince this character of yours to a narrow box for the rest of this poem's certainly long, classic life.
Overall, oh my goodness I actually thought this was a serious work so I clicked on it and yes I'm laughing right now. Oh my goodness. I love you.
Keep writing!
Thanks for such a great review!
It's been like 1/2 a year since I posted a work and when I wrote this, I was like 0-o, this is my best piece ever.
I love it haha XD
*SNORK* Oh my gosh, this is absolutely too good. XD Nice job, Katya. Oh, and by the way:
You can't punch me in the face.
You may punch my ex.
I can actually relate to this!
Too awesome! Everyone can relate to this!
Too awesome! Everyone can relate to this!
This is by far the funniest thing ever! It describes my everyday mood!
I am speechless.
I have an answer.
You can't punch me in the face.
That'd be mean. 'Welcome ^^
Oh my god.
This.....this is a work of art. I love it. I saw the title and I was totally not expecting this, but it was worth it.
It was a simple poem, and a simple question, but it still made me laugh. I especially like how you add in 'thanks' as the last word.
I really have nothing more to say about this. Fantastic job.
In writing,
Fire