the little grieving girl

Hello! Mph here, on behalf of Team Bees, excited to review your very cool poem!
Idk why but when I read this I kind of wanted to analyze it and figure out what’s going on, and like talk about how I interpreted it, so I’m doing that.
First of all, I was really intrigued by the tone of this piece. It’s very interesting that the speaker seems so angry and critical of a grieving child (who maybe lost her mother? I’m not sure if that’s the intention but that was my first thought upon reading this). It seems to me like either they’re the other parent or someone else who is grieving and lashing out at the girl, or these are the inner thoughts of the girl herself, who is angry at herself for holding onto her grief. Either way, very very interesting.
Also I do wonder how this person died, because of the line

stop hoping she can hear your cries
hoping maybe she knew
knew how much you needed her
how much you loved her
but if she knew surely should would still be here
to embrace you

This is a good piece of poetry. Its as if someone either lost a close friend or themselves, and both are understandable. I would recommend adding some more imagery but otherwise its a very solid piece.

The grief in it feels very real and like someone is holding onto lost hope. I do really love the piece either way and it is very good.

Keep writing! I hope to read more of your poetry in the future, good luck!

Heyy, Aster here! 🎀✨️

I'll try my best to express my views on this piece!!

Firstt, I really liked how directly you address the “little girl.” It makes the poem feel almost like someone is speaking to their younger self, which gives it a very intimate and painful quality.

Seconndddd, I loved the repetition throughout the piece. The repeated “little girl,” “she can't hear you,” and “how much you…” make the grief feel cyclical, like the speaker is stuck going over the same thoughts again and again.

Third, the ending was especially powerful. The bluntness of “she isn't coming back” contrasts really well with all the earlier questioning and hoping. It leaves the reader with that horrible finality rather than trying to soften it. Also, “ashes in the ocean” is a striking yet painful image.

Now, onto a couple of areas for improvement!

First, I think you could experiment with adding a little more imagery in between the direct statements. There are many lines telling us exactly what the girl feels, and a few more symbolic details could make the grief even more vivid. Maybe even something completely unexpected. Chocolates, for example, would obviously be hilariously out of place here, but you get what I mean: an unusual concrete image can sometimes make an emotional piece more memorable.

Second, I noticed a few places where the wording could be tightened. Some ideas are repeated several times, and trimming or slightly rearranging them could make the strongest lines hit harder instead of letting the emotion become repetitive.

Overall, I really appreciate the rawness of this piece. It feels less like someone writing about grief and more like someone having an argument with their own hope.

I also appreciate the emotion and vulnerability you've put into it, and I hope to see more from you 💖

holy heck
this hits so hard
your writing style is so achingly gorgeous oh my gosh i'm honestly obsessed
<33 keep writing
oh also
i'm sorry