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It's No Fun Being A Saint

by AceassinOfTheMoon


The footsteps of my captors echoed down the hall, loud against the stone floor. I assumed it was stone, at least. I couldn’t exactly see anything right now, not with the thick black fabric tied around my eyes.

My wrists were tied behind my back with heavy iron chains, much heavier than they needed to be. My arms were aching with the effort of holding them up.

I shifted a little bit, trying to get more comfortable, and the guard holding my left arm squeezed it warningly.

“Don’t try anything,” he said softly. I glared at the direction his voice was coming from, but stopped moving, letting my captors drag me forward.

Suddenly, the sound of their footsteps changed, becoming much more echo-y. We’d entered a large room, I assumed.

My blindfold was whipped off, and I blinked at the sudden light before my eyes fell upon the woman draped across the iron throne in front of me. A gasp escaped me before I could stop it.

She looked exactly like my boss.

“So this is Avanya’s little toy,” the woman mused. “So nice of you to join me.”

“Y-you’re-” I stuttered.

“Deserae Wintermere, yes,” she said carelessly. “You can call me Your Highness.”

“You look just like Avanya,” I breathed.

“That is how identical twins work,” Deserae pointed out. “You’re not the brightest little thing, aren’t you?”

A silence fell as we studied each other, her vivid violet gaze raking over me as I tried to look as if I wasn’t staring.

She was beautiful, there was no denying it. Wide violet eyes that would’ve looked innocent if they weren’t so hard, silver-blonde hair that fell to the floor in soft waves, a heart-shaped face, full lips that were currently quirked up in a cruel smile, and the kind of body you’d see on a magazine cover, accented by the skin-tight black outfit she was wearing.

“Done looking, sweetheart?” she asked finally. I swallowed hard.

“W-what do you want from me?” I asked, trying to sound confident. She sighed softly and adjusted her position, leaning on one arm of her throne and resting her chin on her hand.

“What do you think? Information about what darling Avanya is planning,” she said. “Can’t have her ruining my plans, now can I?”

“I’m not going to tell you anything!”

She laughed. “Aren’t you?”

“Avanya’s told me about you,” I said. “She’s told me all about how you were when you were growing up together. She said-”

“Aww, did she tell you all about her sweet little Dizzy?” Deserae cooed. “The little girl who liked fancy parties and coffee and books, the sweet little thing who fell in love too easily and taught English and magic? Sweet little Dizzy, who went on adventures with Avanya and always got in trouble?”

“Y-yeah,” I said. “That’s… almost exactly what she said.” Her expression grew serious, almost… sad. She got up from her throne and moved to one side of the room, to a table pushed against the wall with a vase of roses on it.

“She still talks about me in such glowing terms?” she asked, the viciousness in her voice gone.

“Yeah, she does,” I said, her reaction giving me a boost of confidence. “She knows there’s still good in you.”

“Still good in me,” Deserae breathed. “She still believes in me…” She reached out and picked one of the roses out of the vase. “Even after all I’ve done.”

“She’d be willing to take you back,” I said. “She wants you to come back to her.”

Deserae was quiet for a moment.

Then she began to laugh.

“Oh Avanya. So naive. So stupid.” She crushed the rose she was holding in one hand, letting the petals fall to the ground, then turned back to me, a cruel grin settling back into place on her face. “Let’s get one thing straight, darling. I am not, and have never been, ‘sweet little Dizzy’. The version of me that Avanya remembers is a lie. A fake. If I ever had any good in me, I killed it a long time ago.” She took a few slow, deliberate steps toward me. “Is that why you came? To try and convince me that I’m still good? You were expecting the version of me that my sister told you about? The good, kind one? How stupid are you?”

“I’m not-”

“You’re just as naive as dear Vanya.” She closed the distance between us, and I realized for the first time how tall she was. Naturally, she was a good three inches taller than I was, but the six-inch spiked heels made her loom menacingly over me. “Now, you’re going to tell me what my sister is planning, or I’m going to kill you.”

I shook my head rebelliously, and almost immediately felt a sharp pain shooting through my head. “Agh!!”

“Aw, does that hurt?” Deserae said sweetly. Her violet eyes were bright, sparking with magic. She was in my head, digging her mental claws in. “Tell me what I want to know.”

“No,” I gasped. “No, I w- AAAAAAGH!” I stumbled back and nearly fell, but her hand shot out and caught me, shiny black nails digging into my arm.

It was like someone was stabbing me repeatedly in the skull. It felt as though my thoughts were turning into TV static.

“Stop,” I begged, feeling tears start in my eyes. “Please, stop!”

“All you have to do to make it stop is tell me what I want to know,” Deserae whispered, her voice dripping with repulsive sugary sweetness. “Tell me where Avanya’s base is.”

“No! I won’t betray her like that!” I screamed.

“What a shame,” Deserae purred. “You’ve got spunk. Avanya will be sad to lose you.”

The pain in my head intensified until I nearly blacked out.

“I’ll tell you!” I sobbed. “I’ll tell you, just stop!!”

The pain decreased.

My face burned red with shame as I told her what she wanted to know.

After I was done, she dropped my arm and I collapsed to the ground.

“See, that wasn’t too hard,” she said, smirking. “Was it?”

I was too busy gasping for air to reply.

“Guards, take them away,” she said carelessly, returning to her throne. I raised my head to look at her.

“I hope you burn in hell,” I spat.

“Darling, I’ve already been there. They made me queen.”


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Sun Feb 21, 2021 3:19 pm
LordMomo wrote a review...



Hiya there Cham! (can i still call you that o.o) I'm here with a review for this lovely work!

I really really like this!! It was such an enjoyable read, and it has a wonderful air of mystery! It was so well written. There were four things I wanted to point out, so here you go!

...becoming much more echo-y.

You can change it to echoey here. It means the same thing and it looks better.

...accented by the skin-tight black outfit she was wearing.

Add more description here! You have so much description of her face; put some here about what shes wearing!

She reached out and picked one of the roses out of the vase.

Again, more description! Say something along the lines of: She reached and plucked a rose from the vase on the black table next to her sinister throne.

She took a few slow, deliberate steps toward me.

Last I checked, she was sitting. When did she get up?

“I hope you burn in hell,” I spat.

“Darling, I’ve already been there. They made me queen.”

:smt096

That's all! I hope this helped - keep writing!
Momo




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Mon Feb 15, 2021 10:05 pm
Vil wrote a review...



...Deserae, Deserae, Deserae. I'm torn between laughing, crying and dying all at once XD

Very interesting and detailed twist you've presented here-- definitely not one that I was expecting, either! I'm left with a few questions, though...

1.) Who is the narrator?
2.) What are Deserae's plans?
3.) What is Avanya doing to ruin those plans?
4.) And when does this particular part of Deserae's life occur?

Also, yes, it is very believable that Deserae has been to hell, given that she cheated death via DnD. ;-;

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!






Thank you for the review! XD
To be honest, I can't answer any of your questions right now! This was supposed to be a one-shot scene simply to explore villainous!Deserae a little bit, so it's cliche and not very well planned out. I am planning to turn this scene into part of an actual story, though, so I will answer those questions later and if I can get over myself enough to do some reviewing, get some points, and actually post the rest of this story



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Tue Feb 02, 2021 1:47 pm
Vryog wrote a review...



Ooh, already with a nice intro:

"The footsteps of my captors echoed down the hall, loud against the stone floor. I assumed it was stone, at least. I couldn’t exactly see anything right now, not with the thick black fabric tied around my eyes."

I like how the protagonist in this story depicts their surroundings; really sets the scene for suspense. This descriptions are logistic and draws in the reader; awesome job.

"She closed the distance between us, and I realized for the first time how tall she was. Naturally, she was a good three inches taller than I was, but the six-inch spiked heels made her loom menacingly over me."

I particularly like this description of the antagonist. I'm a short dude, so I know the looming-over-a-person could definitely be intimidating.

The only issue I have with the story is you can't really tell whats happening; Does Deserae have telekinesis/mind powers? Why is she "evil", other than holding someone captive?

Overall this is a fantastic read. Amazing job I hope to read more from you.

~King_horror






Thank you for your review!



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Sun Jan 24, 2021 1:57 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite a fun story to read, there were some really interesting things happening in here...although I must it was disappointing that our good person here failed quite miserably...points for the villain doing an excellent job there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The footsteps of my captors echoed down the hall, loud against the stone floor. I assumed it was stone, at least. I couldn’t exactly see anything right now, not with the thick black fabric tied around my eyes.


We're getting right into some serious stuff by the looks of it. Well it's certainly doing its job of getting our attention as the readers so good job there...let's see how this pans out.

[quote[My wrists were tied behind my back with heavy iron chains, much heavier than they needed to be. My arms were aching with the effort of holding them up.

I shifted a little bit, trying to get more comfortable, and the guard holding my left arm squeezed it warningly.[/quote]

Ooooh...overcompensated chains and a very paranoid guard...this is already sounding like its a lot of fun.

“Don’t try anything,” he said softly. I glared at the direction his voice was coming from, but stopped moving, letting my captors drag me forward.

Suddenly, the sound of their footsteps changed, becoming much more echo-y. We’d entered a large room, I assumed.


That's some smart logic there...

[quote[She looked exactly like my boss.

“So this is Avanya’s little toy,” the woman mused. “So nice of you to join me.”[/quote]

Yeah, that's not the sort of greeting you ever want to hear...

“Y-you’re-” I stuttered.

“Deserae Wintermere, yes,” she said carelessly. “You can call me Your Highness.”

“You look just like Avanya,” I breathed.


Ohh...and it gets even worse...fighting between twins...all too common sometimes.

“That is how identical twins work,” Deserae pointed out. “You’re not the brightest little thing, aren’t you?”

A silence fell as we studied each other, her vivid violet gaze raking over me as I tried to look as if I wasn’t staring.


Okay...that's an interesting opening move...but why not?

She was beautiful, there was no denying it. Wide violet eyes that would’ve looked innocent if they weren’t so hard, silver-blonde hair that fell to the floor in soft waves, a heart-shaped face, full lips that were currently quirked up in a cruel smile, and the kind of body you’d see on a magazine cover, accented by the skin-tight black outfit she was wearing.


Well...that's a fun way to get a description across.

“Done looking, sweetheart?” she asked finally. I swallowed hard.

“W-what do you want from me?” I asked, trying to sound confident. She sighed softly and adjusted her position, leaning on one arm of her throne and resting her chin on her hand.


Well...she seems pretty relaxed...seems like a very confident person anyway...still not sure who the bad guy is but I would probably root for this person...

“What do you think? Information about what darling Avanya is planning,” she said. “Can’t have her ruining my plans, now can I?”

“I’m not going to tell you anything!”


Well that's a standard response...

“Avanya’s told me about you,” I said. “She’s told me all about how you were when you were growing up together. She said-”

“Aww, did she tell you all about her sweet little Dizzy?” Deserae cooed. “The little girl who liked fancy parties and coffee and books, the sweet little thing who fell in love too easily and taught English and magic? Sweet little Dizzy, who went on adventures with Avanya and always got in trouble?”


Yeah...that's definitely making me think she is the good one here...or maybe neither of them are the good ones...ahh...I don't know...but the lady on the throne definitely has a great personality.

“Y-yeah,” I said. “That’s… almost exactly what she said.” Her expression grew serious, almost… sad. She got up from her throne and moved to one side of the room, to a table pushed against the wall with a vase of roses on it.


Okay...sudden appearance of roses.

“She still talks about me in such glowing terms?” she asked, the viciousness in her voice gone.

“Yeah, she does,” I said, her reaction giving me a boost of confidence. “She knows there’s still good in you.”


Okay...that's not helpful to my theory...now it appears she's the villain...

“Still good in me,” Deserae breathed. “She still believes in me…” She reached out and picked one of the roses out of the vase. “Even after all I’ve done.”

“She’d be willing to take you back,” I said. “She wants you to come back to her.”


Oh yeah, that reeks of hero material right there...this is the definitely the villain.

“Oh Avanya. So naive. So stupid.” She crushed the rose she was holding in one hand, letting the petals fall to the ground, then turned back to me, a cruel grin settling back into place on her face. “Let’s get one thing straight, darling. I am not, and have never been, ‘sweet little Dizzy’. The version of me that Avanya remembers is a lie. A fake. If I ever had any good in me, I killed it a long time ago.” She took a few slow, deliberate steps toward me. “Is that why you came? To try and convince me that I’m still good? You were expecting the version of me that my sister told you about? The good, kind one? How stupid are you?”


OKay...the lady is rapidly turning into her full on cruel mode I suppose...well...now I suppose we must begin rooting against her.

“You’re just as naive as dear Vanya.” She closed the distance between us, and I realized for the first time how tall she was. Naturally, she was a good three inches taller than I was, but the six-inch spiked heels made her loom menacingly over me. “Now, you’re going to tell me what my sister is planning, or I’m going to kill you.”

I shook my head rebelliously, and almost immediately felt a sharp pain shooting through my head. “Agh!!”


Hmm...well...death seems like the only valid option here...and honestly wouldn't be the worst idea either.

“Aw, does that hurt?” Deserae said sweetly. Her violet eyes were bright, sparking with magic. She was in my head, digging her mental claws in. “Tell me what I want to know.”


And she achieves full cruelty mode...oh well.

It was like someone was stabbing me repeatedly in the skull. It felt as though my thoughts were turning into TV static.

“Stop,” I begged, feeling tears start in my eyes. “Please, stop!”


Pointless beggin really...

“All you have to do to make it stop is tell me what I want to know,” Deserae whispered, her voice dripping with repulsive sugary sweetness. “Tell me where Avanya’s base is.”


Oh I do hate it when the villains use the syrupy voice technique.

“What a shame,” Deserae purred. “You’ve got spunk. Avanya will be sad to lose you.”

The pain in my head intensified until I nearly blacked out.

“I’ll tell you!” I sobbed. “I’ll tell you, just stop!!”


Well...that one isn't very good at keeping secrets...not an impressive performance at all.

After I was done, she dropped my arm and I collapsed to the ground.

“See, that wasn’t too hard,” she said, smirking. “Was it?”


That certainly didn't appear hard.

“I hope you burn in hell,” I spat.

“Darling, I’ve already been there. They made me queen.”


Trust me lady, you've not been to hell before.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was a pretty fun story to read. This villain fellow appears to be fleshed out really well and I think she was quite interesting. Well anyway that's all I have to say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you for your review!!!





Thank you for your review!!!





Ack dunno why that posted twice ;-;



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Sun Jan 24, 2021 4:52 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello! :)

To start off, I quite enjoyed reading this. I'm assuming that this is likely a side piece along with something larger you're writing from your description, but I'll give some thoughts on it as if it is a stand alone. You had some strong characterization for your villain, and I think one of your strengths is giving realistic and engaging dialogue.

Let's start from the beginning:

As an introduction, the first couple of lines weren't especially engaging. It gave us some important information, like the narrator has been captured, but it painted a conflicting image in my head from the reality. I thought that the narrator was sitting in a cell, listening to the footsteps of someone approaching them (because the line is "the footsteps of my captors echoed down the hall," which didn't tell me that the narrator was walking alone with them), so maybe it would be better to give some other indication that the narrator is being herded down this hallway.

As well, for being written in first person, there was very little in the way of voice for the narrator. In the beginning it felt kind of blank because the narrator was just telling what was occurring like it was without any emotion. I want to know what they're thinking, how they're feeling. Are they scared? Are they nervous? Do they know what's happening or are they wondering who they were captured by? You definitely shouldn't dump information onto the reader, but including some more tension by adding in the narrator's thoughts and feelings would make the introduction way more interesting and a much better hook.

My blindfold was whipped off, and I blinked at the sudden light before my eyes fell upon the woman draped across the iron throne in front of me.


This was a confusing sentence for me to read, because there are a lot of images put in the second half of the sentence, like 1) light falling on eyes, 2) woman draped on throne, 3) iron throne. It may help to give some more time to expand these images into more paragraphs, and build up the tension more. While the dialogue seems like the most important part of this piece, the build up to it is also just as important to make it feel dramatic and climatic.

I noticed that Deserae used the phrase "little" a lot in her dialogue, which seemed to get pretty repetitive after a bit. Here are some examples:

"So this is Avanya’s little toy."


“You’re not the brightest little thing, aren’t you?”


“Aww, did she tell you all about her sweet little Dizzy?”


And it goes on. I understand that this is likely Deserae trying to belittle the narrator and assert herself as more powerful, but when it's overused like this, it loses its effectiveness. Perhaps trying to slide in some other insults or other insinuations of superiority throughout their conversation to make it sound more natural and less forced, if that makes sense.

A second note on the last piece of dialogue I quoted, I was confused at first because I didn't understand that "Dizzy" was Deserae's pet name when she was younger. I thought it was a separate person, so maybe adding in some other cue in the dialogue to let the reader know that these are the same people. Like "did she tell you about me as her sweet Dizzy?" or something like that.

However, I did mention earlier that I thought you had strong dialogue, and I still stand by that. I think you do a great job of showing Deserae's character through her words, and also the actions accompanied with it. We can tell that she's serious, perhaps a bit cruel, but committed to whatever plan she has created. As well, I like the bits of hesitation or reminiscence she shows when the narrator mentions her sister, but then later the self-assurance of her actions. Deserae seems like a complicated, well-developed character and it shows through this piece.

So, as a character building piece, you did a great job. As a stand alone, it could do with a bit more in the narration, including the narrator's thoughts and using their observations to build up tension and add to the context clues of Deserae's character. As well, maybe giving some more context around what this plan is and who these two twin sisters are.

I think you've got an engaging world, and I hope you share more of it! Let me know if you have any questions ^^

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe






Thank you for the review! As you guessed, this is indeed a small side piece connected to a larger story. A lot of things would make more sense if you knew the characters and the rest of the story, such as the use of Deserae's pet name, Dizzy.
Thank you for pointing out my over use of the word little :P That is one of my writing tics that I'm trying hard to get rid of.
Again, thank you for taking the time to review this! I hope you have a great whatever time of day it is for you!



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Sat Jan 23, 2021 10:21 pm
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Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...



Okay I can not explain how amazing this is! the way you wrote and the way they spoke was perfect! I love the line “I hope you burn in hell,” I spat.“Darling, I’ve already been there. They made me queen.” It was so amazing and really showed who these characters are and I just love the way you set it all up and I would love to read more of this story if you were to write more I would read it. It was just perfect I can not express my love for it and the line That is how identical twins work," honestly had me laughing it was great! anyway loved this kep writing I hope you have a great day! : )






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