Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
ANTARES
SPECIES: Human (?)
AGE: 23
SUBCATEGORY: ANTARES: SUSPECTED OF MULTIPLE COUNTS OF MURDER. IF FOUND IMMEDIATELY DETAINED: IF HOSTILE THEN ELIMINATE.
ABILITIES: From evidence of past crime scenes, Antares, has very few abilities. We aren’t even sure if they have any to begin with. From their suspected accounts of murder they seem to have killed the victims and made a statue of them in their place.
PERSONALITY: Antares is a very rude and intense person. Many people in the kingdom have often worried about their parents. Stating that Antares was quite the ‘difficult child.’
-THE NIGHT WASTES
Journal entry #1
Petrification. Quite a fun word to say, though it is not quite as fun to experience. Petrification is the state of being turned into stone, like a statue even.
Similar to the story of Medusa who was once a normal human girl until Poseidon came along and ruined her. For then Athena punished Medusa turning her into what she’s so famously known for. A monster. Her head is a snake and for those who dare to look into Medusa eyes, they’ll turn you into stone.
For me, It’s slightly different. I have something more related to King Midas's touch. Whenever he touched something it immediately turned to gold. So in other words whenever I touch something with my bare hand it turns into stone.
So to counter that, I wear these gloves, made by an old alchemist friend of mine. That way I am not directly touching anything... Or anyone. This happened to me right after The Oracle itself killed our entire village. I was then thrown into the ocean and left to drown by it's villagers.
Unfortunately for them, I lived. I was swept along the current until I was eventually frozen in ice. It was many years later when a group of travelers found me in a glacier and eventually got me out. They brought me to a group of scientists, stuffing me in one of the experiment rooms. It was obvious they weren't going to be of any help to me. They eventually decided I had better be terminated. I didn’t stay long enough for them to do so.
I knew I shouldn’t have survived such drastic events. No normal human could. Eventually, I found my own place inside of an old kingdom. It was there I realized there was something bigger happening.. I was shocked to see that I didn’t look like my old self anymore. I was something completely new. I have dark purple veins spreading on my arms.. They continue to burn more as they grow.
I am afraid to confide in anyone at the moment. This old kingdom.. Lunar Avalanche. It seems too calm. Perhaps too good to be true but I haven't seen a soul since I've arrived and I've already been hiding here for an entire week.
I did see a bookstore though. Perhaps someone is in there? I may check it out in the morning..
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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138,225 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Oh wow! After reading the first chapter, this gives some really interesting details on Antares' character! I am curious as to whether or not she meant to commit these murders, I assume it is a no? This intro is a good way to get the reader intrigued without giving out too much information. I assume that her name is also a reference to greek mythos, Antares means "rival of Ares" in mythos, so does that mean there are other greek gods in this world? The midas' touch is always an interesting idea, and would be a fun idea to use especially when writing a romance!
Well it would be too big of a spoiler if I answered your first question.. But as for your other questions.. Antares is the name of a star. That just also happens to mean "rival if Ares" in mythos. There are references to the greek gods. But think of it more like analogies. There will be a lot more than just the midas touch going on here as well..
Salutations, curious mind!
Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
This is a great start to an amazing upcoming novel, I must say.
The fact that your story is written in the first person makes this even more interesting. The reference to Medusa is a great detail. This gives the reader something familiar to grip on and make sense of Antares' abilities.
I’m also very glad you didn’t go in detail about Medusa, because then the main point stays on Antares and doesn’t shift to Medusa. Great thinking over there!
Areas to Improve:✒️
The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.
The little background info at the beginning is great, but I’d suggest you bring it over throughout the story and don’t just create a log of everything.
For Example, I think the fact that you described his veins getting more purple and hurting him and the harsh experiments he had to go true, is a great point out to the fact that his personality is harsh and rude.
I’d suggest you try to bring his backstory and more of his personality out through the story, instead of a filled out forum. If that’s not what you want, feel free to skip this suggestion. XD
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I’d also suggest you place the title of the chapter in the middle of the story, that way it’s more clearer for the reader to see that the story is actually starting here.
~~~
I’d suggest chopping this first chapter up in some tinier bits, because that way it’s more clearer to read.
For example:
Before:
After:
~~~
I agree that your title is very clear about what this chapter is about, but I’d suggest you add that as an author’s note somewhere, because honestly I think this chapter/prologue is a great one and could benefit from an amazing opening/more gripping title.
Don’t be afraid to take risks, alright? We are all learning, I ain’t no expert. ^-^
Overall Feelings:
This was a great start to an amazing novel. I’d definitely suggest you to continue writing this novel if that’s what you wish of course. You have an amazing protagonist and an amazing base already (Greek Mythology is soo awesome). Don’t be afraid to take big risks, you can always rewrite and edit this chapter! Trust the process.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
The Daughter of War- Chapter 1: Trial One and The Son of the Night - Prologue by @Leya
This author also draws inspiration from Greek Mythology and writes an amazing novel along with making up some of her own characters. This story is gripping and will keep you on the edge of your seat reaching for more.
Feel free to pay her works a visit, leave a like if you’re impressed or a review. I’m mesmerised by this novel myself, so believe me if I say it’s worth the read.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
So interesting thing. Antares is references as "They/Them" for a reason. As if this introduction is actually a file written for the character. And in the file their gender is hidden. In reality Antares is "She/Her." This will be explained soon.
There will be more including the background information. But I had this in my Google docs for a long time. It's actually when I first started working on this story a year and a half ago.
I will take your advice on splitting up the paragraphs so that people can read it easier.
Another note.. I didn't put the title after the introduction because this will be separate from the story on purpose. But that's understandable because I didn't note that. So the author's notes would be good for me to do as well.
I actually have read some of "The Daughter of War" and I absolutely love it.
I am really glad you enjoyed my character introduction and the true story is being written this very second. I think you'll really enjoy this. Also thank you so much for your review, this was extremely helpful!
Thanks for the clarifications! I'm glad my advice could be of any help
And Yes, "The Daughter Of War" is an amazing novel, I'm sure yours will be just as beautiful.
Cheers,
Amaya
I'm glad you guys love Josephine's Story just as much as I do
<333 *Huggles*
ITS AMAZING!
Hello, AJW!
This is Wist dropping in for a quick review. Antares is an exciting character idea, as characters with ties to Greek mythology have plenty of potential. I hope you enjoy exploring the many avenues you can go with such a character. Combining Medusa's petrification with King Midas' golden touch is a fun concept that brings a fresh spin on old ideas. However, I have a few technical critiques of the writing itself.
Right here, I'm a little confused as to what you mean. Are you referring to multiple instances of murder? If so, then the proper term would be counted. He is suspected of multiple counts of murder. Degrees are used to distinguish types of murder, such as first-degree murder and second-degree murder, which establishes a difference in motive and punishment. Using degrees here instead of counts makes it sound like Antares has committed many different types of murder with no consistency rather than just many murders.
It doesn't seem like "the" is supposed to be there.
"Drown to death" is redundant because drowning is fatal, so the assumption is the victim's death.
I believe that's supposed to be a comma rather than a period.
Overall, this is a promising start to a character, and I hope you continue to develop this! If you have any questions, please let me know.
Happy writing!
Wist
Oh crap, thank you! I didn't even realize some of these things. Also yes, I have spent a long time going over lots of mythology to see what I can apply into the characters I write. Specifically Antares though because I want to make her character a sort of paradox... Though I still have a lot more work to do.
Anyway I'm glad you enjoyed this!
Also "The" was supposed to be there but I missed the fact I didn't capitalize it. Because "The Oracle" is a title.
Yeah, of course! I%u2019m happy to help. I love Greek mythology so as soon as I saw that, I knew I had to throw my hat into the ring. Also, I was referring to the second the. %u201CThe our village%u201D
Oops! Sorry for that. Writing these on mobile. It%u2019s just the our village I am referring to.
OHH.
I need new glasses...