The room was full and bustling with activity. It was a small room, but very alive and exciting. All the occupants inside were enjoying Themselves. It was a close gathering, but fun and happy.
Glasses clinked as the guests toasted each other. Despite the small number of people gathering, loud chatter overwhelmed the whole room as music blared on and encouraged their banter.
Mr. Nose was the host of the party, he sniffed around the room carefully, trying to make sure all the guests were enjoying their time, and that the atmosphere was pleasant.
"Are you enjoying your time?" He asked Mr. Ear.
"Oh yes very much." He replied pleasantly, "I've just been listening to this intriguing conversation between Mr. Mouth and Mr. Eyes." He again listened to the conversation at hand.
"You see." Mr. Eyes was saying, "I do not think all people are equal in the least," he shifted his glasses, "How could they be?"
"But they are! We are all special in our own way. My mother always told me that from the beggining." Mr. Mouth smiled in his curteous way.
Mr. Eyes gave Mr. Mouth a contemptuous look, "Are you implying that we are all equal? I can't say I'm the least that there are any facts to show us that."
"Well, we may not be equal," Mr. Mouth pulled at his mustache in thought, "But we are all important."
"Maybe," Mr. Eyes did not share the same views. He was a man set in his ways, and some Mouth wasn't going to tell him otherwise.
"Well, are you better than I am?" Mr. Mouth smirked.
"Mr. Mouth, how can you possibly say we are equal? I spend my days working to help others, I discern colors, I make patterns, I help others live better lives. What do you do?"
"Me?" Mr. Mouth was caught off guard by the question, "Why I...I talk."
"And that's ALL you do." Mr. Eyes stated.
"I...I guess your right, I'm just a useless mouth." Mr. Mouth replied with a frown. Frustrated, he got up, and left the party.
The other parts looked around in surprise, the party wasn't the same after that. Nobody knew what to say.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,376 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Heya! Lupa here for a review!
Let's begin...
1) "All the occupants inside were enjoying Themselves." Simple mistake--"themselves" shouldn't be capitalized.
2) There's a lot of dialogue in here, and it's pretty cute with all the puns and whatnot. But although you do say some description in the beginning, you don't describe much of anything from that point on. I want to see body language, what the people look like... even how the room seems. A story full of talking can get a bit tiring.
3) The conversation between Mr. Mouth and Mr. Eyes doesn't make sense to me. First of all, how do eyes work to help others? And mouths don't just talk--they convey feelings, they help communicate with other people, they help ensure that a person survives... there's a lot more than just speaking going on.
And lastly, if I were arguing that everyone's important, I would try to defend myself more. After Mr. Eyes says, "That's ALL you do," Mr. Mouth just agrees and leaves. Wouldn't he at least be indignant? Showing more emotion would help the situation.
I couldn't find much to critique, but I hope that what I said helped! Keep writing and good job on posting this story!
XOX,
Lupa22
Hey there. I'll review your short story.
Let me point out some nitpicks.
I don't see how a room could be excited. Maybe it would make more sense as exciting?
Beggining should be beginning. Simple spelling mistake.
This sentence seems like it'd sound better as multiple sentences. The other parts looked around in surprise. The party wasn't the same after that; nobody knew what to say. Or something like that.
Take out the "Why".
Also, I noticed something. When saying someone's name, make sure you put the period after "Mr". I saw this happen several times throughout your short story. Remember to put periods after sentences, too. It sometimes happens when I'm writing fast; I assume it was a simple mistake.
After "frown", add a period to separate the sentences. And, was the party in multiple rooms? Or just one? If so, wouldn't that mean he left the party? Hopefully you could clarify this in the future of the whole layout of the party. Another thing I am slightly confused on was near the ending. Why did Mr. Mouth leave the party? Was he frustrated about their conversation? Confused? Or was it to end the scene and story altogether?
Anyway. I thought the concept of this short was kind of cute. It was definitely different, reading about body parts who talk about equality and differences. You were certainly creative to think of this! And, it surprisingly worked. I think think it could use some improvements, though. It was a simple a short, short story, which was mainly made up of dialogue. I don't have anything against the dialogue, but descriptions of the party and speakers would be great! I know with more hard work it can get even better!
I love your idea here, and sorry if this review was short. Hope to see more from you in the future.
~BlueSunset
Thank you, that is extremely helpful! I would like to use some of those tips, and I will.
-Caroline
Great! Glad you find them helpful!
Hi, I'm dropping by for a review.
This was really witty and I love the theme of the story: "We can't coexist without each other."
I wasn't so fond of the italics though. I know you mean to emphasize each sense and all, but I feel as if it's unnecessary. It's fun to read something slightly subtler after all.
This sounds a bit like telling. Some more showing would helped, some description, like you want to know how they're doing. You don't have to dive into every single detail because I know the main streamline of the story is in the dialogue but a little more setting would improve it in my opinion so you can kind of emphasize the difference from when Mr. Mouth was here to when Mr. Mouth left. For example, to change "the room was full and bustling with activity" you could rewrite it as,
Mine's far from perfect, but the message is clear: something more descriptive.
Other than that, your story had a common theme, but I loved the way you ended it. Keep writing!
Hmm. Great ideas! Thank you for your review, I will try to add some of those, I know this draft is far from perfect
-Caroline
Authors Note: This came to me on a whim, and I wanted to write it out right away.
Through this story I was trying to show the need for many different kinds of people, no we are not all equivalent, but without each of us nothing would be the same. We might think that without us, the world wouldn't change, but every person adds something new, and without that person, we couldn't be fully functional.
I used the names in my story as parts of the body, if I were missing my eyes, I would still live, and still a full and fulfilling life, but it would never be the same.somethinf would always be missing, and no matter how hard I tried, none of my other body parts would be able to fill that spot. This is what I tried to show with Mr. Mouth, feel free to let me know what you think of it!
Authors Note: This came to me on a whim, and I wanted to write it out right away.
Through this story I was trying to show the need for many different kinds of people, no we are not all equivalent, but without each of us nothing would be the same. We might think that without us, the world wouldn't change, but every person adds something new, and without that person, we couldn't be fully functional.
I used the names in my story as parts of the body, if I were missing my eyes, I would still live, and still a full and fulfilling life, but it would never be the same.somethinf would always be missing, and no matter how hard I tried, none of my other body parts would be able to fill that spot. This is what I tried to show with Mr. Mouth, feel free to let me know what you think of it!