Chapter 6
I tossed in my sleep. In my dream it was foggy. I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear a conversation.
I heard one scratchy voice. “Zack! How are you?” The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
This was a smooth, deep voice. “I’m doing just lovely, my friend.”
“Are you ready?” said the scratchy voice.
The other responded, “As I’ll ever be.”
I woke from the dream. It was strange, but it felt like it had been hours. How could one dream last hours when it’s that
short of a conversation? I thought. What was even so important about it?
I decided to leave the room and talk to the other trainees. Room five next to me was empty, and the door to room four was closed shut. I pressed my ear up against the door and heard two voices. The dusk killer, Sam, and the dawn warrior, Rose.
“I missed you,” Sam said. “I missed you, too,” Rose responded, and I heard small smooch noises.
Ugh… gross!
I went to the next door, room 3. Inside there was no noise, so I knocked on the door.
No response.
I knocked again.
No response.
“Hello?” I called.
“Go away!” said a male voice. I was guessing it was the sky breaker, Tom, because of the husky tone. I went to room 2 and knocked on the door.
“Come on in!” said another male voice, a little more inviting. I went ahead and guessed it was freckled kid, Jack. I went inside and stood there awkwardly.
“So,” I said. “What’s up?”
There was a moment of awkward silence while the kid sat there staring at me.
“You’re the only one that doesn’t seem to hate me,” I said. “Why?”
Jack looked up like he was thinking about what to say. “Well,” he started. “I guess I’m just not jealous like the others.”
“Jealous?”
“Yeah, the others are kind of jealous because none of them were special enough to become a silver hero.”
That was crazy! I didn’t even want to be a silver hero; I wanted to be a sky breaker. I guess I just I didn’t know how
special my job actually was.
“It’s not really that great, is it?”
“Well, I don’t think so. But apparently they do.”
We both sat in another awkward silence. Finally he was the one that broke it. “Hey, thanks for being nice to me. The others don’t seem to like me just because I don’t mind you. I always wanted to be a blaze eater, anyway.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Thank you, too. At least someone on this ship doesn’t hate my guts because of what I am. Besides, I wanted to be a sky breaker anyway.”
“That’s not true, Hal doesn’t hate your guts,” he noted.
I smirked. I hadn’t ever had a friendship. I never even interacted with the kids in my town. To them… I was just a nobody.
Jack didn’t think I was a nobody, and that was enough to live with myself for the time being.
I opened the door and left with a “See you round,” thrown at Jack.
All I had left now was room 1. I knocked on the door and I heard a “come in!”
I walked inside, looking at the ice warrior I saw from the throne room. I saw her face before, but it didn’t look quite as… beautiful, as it was now.
After too long she said, “Yeah?”
I caught myself from staring at her bright brown eyes and her lush brown hair.
“I… uh…” I mumbled. I looked at the ground. “I was just saying ‘hi’.”
“Well… hi. Could you please leave? I was in the middle of training.”
“You train?” I asked stupidly. I rubbed my hand on my forehead.
“Uh… yeah. It’s how you get better,” she said. Her eyes rolled quizzically over my features. “You have the look of a warrior on you. But, it still looks like you could use a bit of training.” I was wondering if she noticed my untidy hair while she was scanning me. I blushed a little, and she seemed to notice it. "Would you grow up a little? I was looking for any signs of former training, and there is none."
I held my head up. “Yeah, I kind of got dragged into this with no training. But I assure you, I’ll try my best!”
“Well, I could train you.” She offered.
“Really?” I asked a little too enthusiastically.
“Yeah, I can’t afford you letting us down and having us all get killed because you have no experience in fighting monsters.”
“What?” I gasped. “Monsters?”
“Yeah, what did you think was out there? Mushrooms that bite you?”
I laughed a little, although I was pretty sure that was an insult. After I laughed she kind of giggled a little too.
“Look,” she said, “I know it must be rough, being forced into this hunt with no experience, and being thrown into with not many people that like you. I’m… sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m used to it. I understand if you don’t really want to talk to me either.”
She looked away. “No, I really should not treat you like the others do. That doesn’t really make me much better than them, does it? Besides, how can I train you if I can’t talk to you?”
“Hmm… Got me,” I chuckled.
“Listen, I'm not saying you’re my friend or anything. I just don’t hate you like everyone else does.”
“I can live with that,” I said. “By the way, those two kids in room four…”
“Oh,” she exclaimed. “Sam and Rose? Yeah, they do that often. It doesn’t get very far though, because they usually start fighting for no reason.”
“Weird,” I said. “Well I'm gonna get goin’.”
“See you. And listen; don’t let those other kids get to you. Hal chose you to be a silver hero for a reason, right? Just
remember that.”
“Will do,” I said with a wave of my hand on my way out the door. I didn’t know what happened in there, but I was certain that I wanted to be friends with her for sure. That probably wouldn’t happen anyway. She wasn’t that interested in being friends with me.
I lied down on my bed and finally got some rest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there,
You are doing well in the emotional department, and story-wise it's getting interesting. So, without saying much, let the reviewing begin,
Mistakes
I'm not sure what you mean here by, "before" If you meant it like, from earlier, use another word for it. Or don't use a word to mention that fact, because all the readers who had read up to this point knows that there's one character per class.
Elaborate. Use this to express the character's initial feelings and thoughts. Let me give you an example,
You could say, "I had seen her face before. But, it was like seeing her in a whole new light. I may have not noticed it then, but now she looked quite... beautiful"
"bright brown eyes and her lush brown hair"
"Question mark" after 'Could you please leave'
Not "with" it's supposed to be "in"
"bite"
Plot
I see that a little bit of romance is headed our way in this story. It's a good way to get the reader's interest, because the plot really sees a variation when friendships and romance is intermixed. I like your idea, so keep it up.
Descriptions
You could throw in a couple descriptions about the interior. The room the main character is in. The corridors leading to each room. The rocking motion of the sea. The salty scent of the ocean. All those add to the realism of the story. A reader is greatly benefited by those types of descriptions, because he/she feels an invisible connection to the story then. Please see into this.
Character development
Personality description, you've got it covered, and I urge you to improve it. But it seems that you don't know the exact way and time to add physical descriptions. Let me give you an example of where you can insert one or two.
You could sort of write like "I blushed a little as her eyes roved over my skinny, pale body, and my ruffled, black hair that I can never flatten" You don't necessarily have to write that, but having those kinds of the sentences, gives your character life.
Overall
It's a pretty good chapter, and I like how this might be a turning point of the story.
Good luck
-C-
Love