Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello hello! Here I am back again for chapter eight!
Ahyoka is certainly a sweet character, and I find her naive excitement about joining a superhero team to be pretty endearing. I too, would be excited at the prospect of having matching uniforms so I can see where she's coming from haha! It highlights the differences between her and our protagonist that they see this opportunity so differently, and hints at not only different views and morals but also probably a distinctive upbringing.
I liked this part especially:
This line captures our MC's internal conflict and the realisation of the value of their friendship with Ahyoka. It highlights the qualities that make Ahyoka a true superhero in the protagonist's eyes, despite their initial reluctance to join a team. It's kind of a 'greater good' type view, and I think it's going to be a good one to build on.
The escalation of the two 'superfactions' is pretty intense, though given you've named them so aptly it's probably not surprising that Montago shoots someone with black fire. I loved the inclusion of the Shakespeare reference. I'm not sure if this is something you've been doing consistently given I haven't read much more of this but I am always a fan of retellings that feel unexpected!
Ahyoka's character and their relationship is also well built on in the end - I'm looking forward to seeing where their friendship goes!
Thanks for sharing.
Icy
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the horrid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ahyoka and Daisy are having pancakes, when suddenly, Montago and Cabulet are having a “little fight”, and they soon are interrupted by someone wrapped in metal who explodes once the license plate is out of there, leaving behind a wake of destruction.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to write “were” for when all Daisy can hear are Cabulet’s muffles, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love the Shakespeare reference in Cabulet and Montago’s names, that’s a fun little thing to add! I also like you described as not being “villains” yet their actions are still villainy. That can happen with politics, in this case, with what it means to be a hero. They only care about what the town’s political views are and not the actual town itself.
Closing Graham Cracker - Somebody exploded, presumably a Supervillain. But the guy himself seemed to be shocked. Daisy doesn’t stop to help one of the face-painted people and instead leaves with Ahyoka, who is very much confused on what has happened. What has happened, exactly? A whole mass of disorder…and poor Ahyoka did not expect any of this…
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^
Thanks for the review, vampricone6783! I just wanted to say that the man in the metal ball didn't blow up by himself, rather Montago shot him with black fire. I'm not sure if it was on me for not conveying that action properly lol. And yes I keep mixing up my were/wheres, I'll try and keep that in mind. Have a good one!
Alright then. ^v^
Thanks for letting me know what actually happened with him. :>