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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Pie Girl!
This was "fantastical." Almost all of it flowed so well together and you were able to incorporate so many different stories into one short poem. GAH! It was great. Seriously. There were only two real suggestions I had, mainly to fix the flow at a few places where I thought it was a bit choppy.
<quote>
in the morn of <i>every</i> day. <b> I felt like the word every contained too many syllables, I would try "each" day in there instead. </b>
I set my sail,
and travel <b>far</b> away. <b> I just felt like their needed to be an extra word in there. Up to you though! </b>
I travel to the land,</quote>
Anywho, this really was a great poem. Thanks for the fun read, and as always, keep writing!
-HostofHorus
04piegirl2,
I really liked the concept for this piece. I love how you brought all these fantasy images, coupled with the rhyme scheme, I really got this sense of fantastic adventures. It was a breeze and a joy to read as well, I felt you did a wonderful job keeping the flow and rhythm smooth and consistent, so great job!
I loved a lot of these lines, particularly the last two. There were some places too I felt seemed a bit forced and not as strong:
I'm not sure I like the repetition of "out in the distance". To me it seemed thrown in there because you needed something to pad the rhyme scheme of sea/mystery. Maybe if you move "there is a land" line a bit earlier and then delve into what this land is like/what it means and instead of repeating "there is a land" two or three times, you can change it up. Something like, there is a home, there is a world, there is story,etc.
I would just change "fantastical" here, because it doesn't really mean anything. What fantastic things are dragons and fairies doing? The word itself seems out of place given the rest of the context.
Hehe, I actually love this line, I just think it could be polished more, so that it reads more smoothly and clear. I'd either leave out "hit" and just say "gun shot" -- since I think the mention of a gun shot implies a hit. It'd have to hit something right? And maybe change "turns into" to "become" So it reads:
Where the gun shot
becomes a miss
I dunno. It's still not quite perfect obviously, but something to that effect.
I love where you took this piece. Seriously, I love these lines. I only wish there were more :3 Maybe I'm being too greedy. It'd be nice to have some showing in there, some description of these dreams and fantasies, rather than just telling. Maybe you can add a few lines after this describing some of these dreams - maybe a rhyme about flying pigs or letters dancing on a page, or I dunno! Have fun with it
Let me know if you have any other questions. Your poetry was much enjoyed ^_^
~ as always, Audy