Prologue
He was looking, searching for her. His obsession with her was to the point of terrifing. She crouched down lower into the darkness against the old pine. It was never going to be the same. Her life, once fun and exciting, had changed completely because of a conversation she had overheard. A murder...her murder, was hanging in the air. She shivered as she felt the light from the flashlight pass over her shoulder. She crouched closer to the ground, her heartbeat racing and her breathing becoming irregular. He wouldn't stop looking for her, at least not until she was dead.
A twig snapped a few yards from where she crouched, making a chills run down her spine. What am I gonna do? she thought, pressing her back as close to the tree as she could. It was a good thing she was small, or else he probably would have found her by now. She could hear the distant passing of cars on the freeway just through the woods. Maybe if she tried...No he would catch her, and kill her if she ran. She had to stay put. What if he had a gun? Oh God! I'll never get away, will I?
Another twig snapped, closer. The light flashed again, this time near her exposed throat, which stood out against the stark darkness. The light stayed fixed on her, wavering a bit. His voice boomed throughout the darkness.
"Mona!" She grimanced, sinking back even further. She could barely make out the outline of the bulky figure as it slowly advanced towards her.
"Mona...I know your there. Now be a good girl and and come out." His taunting voice echoed through the quiet woods. She pressed against the bark of the tree, debating with herself. I can't run! He'll kill me for sure. She looked frantically around, looking for some means of exit. She could tell from the sound of the cars passing by which direction she should run, but she didn't know if she could make it. If you don't run, he'll kill you! The figure was getting closer, just a few yards away now. She could feel the muscles in her back as she strained against the tree. He was getting closer, too close. She had to run.
"Mona!" His voice, the guy she had sworn she would do anything for, came to her through the trees. She strained forward, ready to run. She saw the glint of metal before she took off, sprinting as fast as she could towards the sound of the passing cars. She could hear him chasing behind her and the clink of a bullet stricking a tree just above her head. Almost there...she strained for more speed and burst out the woods into the on coming traffic. A car skidded to a stop in front of her, and she jumped into the passengers seat yelling "GO!"
The car speed off. She looked in the rearview mirror just as he stepped out of the woods, fury glowing on his face. The message was clear. He was going to find her; he didn't care how long it took. And when he did, he would kill her.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
You know, I completely dropped this story...but now that I think of it...Im going to start it again!
Look out for more!
To me it sounds like an abusive relationship problem. Which I don't think gets enough attention. Kudos to you for that. The description was great, and I liked the emotion. She was genuinely scared, which you really captured. Great job! Keep writing!
He was looking, searching for her. His obsession with her was to the point of terrifing (period) She crouched down lower into the darkness against the old pine. It was never going to be the same. Her life, once fun and exciting, changed because of a conversation she over heard (I think overheard is one word). A murder...her murder, was hanging in the air. She shivered as she felt the lgith (light) from the flashlight pass over her shoulder. She crouched closer, her breathing getting rapid. He wouldn't stop looking for her, not till she was dead.
Very strong beginning, I was hooked from the very start!
A twig snapped a few yards from where she crouched, making a shicer (shiver) run down her spine. What am I to do? She thought, pressing her back as close to the tree as she could. It was a good thing she was small, or else he probably would have found her by now. She could hear the distant passing of cars ont he (on the) freeway just through the woods. Maybe if she tried... No he would catch her, and kill her if she ran. She had to stay put.
(Maybe have this begin a new paragraph?) Another twig snapped, closer. The light flashed again, this time near her exposed throat, which stood out against the stark darkness. The light stayed fixed on her, wavering a bit. His voice boomed throughout the darkness.
This seemed like a very busy paragraph, maybe have it seperated into multiple smaller paragraphs?
"Mona!" She shivered, sinking back even further. She coudl (could) barely make out the outline of the bulky figure as it slowly advanced towards her.
"Mona...I know your there. Now be a good girl and and come out." She pressed against teh (the) bark of the tree, debating with herself. I can't run! He'll kill me for sure. She looked frantically around, looking for some means of exit. She could tell from the sound of the cars passing by which direction she should run, but she didn't know if she could make it. If you don't run, he'll kill you! The figure was getting closer, just a few yards away now. She could feel the muscles in her back as she strained against the tree. He was getting closer, too close.
Total thriller-horror movie feel in the last few sentances!
"Mona!" His voice, her boyfriend(comma)s voice echoed through the trees. She strained forward, ready to run. She saw the glint of metal before she took off, runnig n (running) as fast as she could towards the sound of the passing cars. She could hear him chasing behind her and the clink of a bullet strickign (striking) a tree just above her head. Almost there... (maybe a '!' would be better for the atmosphere?) She strained for more speed and burst out the woods into the on coming traffic. A car skidded to a stop in front of her, and she jumped into the passengers seat yelling (comma) "GO!"
One of my only miffs with this is that bullets don't click, different adjective? And why would the driver of her getaway car let her in?
The car speed (sped) off. She looked in the rearview mirror just as he stepped out of the woods, fury glowing on his face. The message was clear. He was going to find her, hew didn't care how long it took. And when he does, he'll kill her.
oh... My... GOD! Gripped from beginning to end, totally felt like a classic horror-thriller movie and I could imagine every move like I was watching it! Totally amazing, can't wait for more chapters, because I'd like to know the reason for the title. Other than a few simple typing errors (which we all make) I can't see much for mistakes.
Wow I thought this was really good! The excitement through it is great, you've got a brilliant start here and I would love to read more
I think this might sound better with 'had changed completely' or 'changed completely' instead of just 'changed' to show the significance of what she had heard
So you are not saying 'light from the flashlight' repeating light I might change the first light to something like 'shine'.
I'd add in 'closer to the ground' instead of just closer as otherwise its not really clear what she crouching closer to. I'm not sure about 'getting rapid', I think you could reword it to sound better. Maybe something like 'her breath coming in short gasps' or 'breathing fast and short.' or something similar might work.
So you are not repeating 'the light' I'd maybe just have 'It stayed fixed on her' the second time or replace light with something like 'shine' or 'beam'. I'd maybe reword the part about her neck as I think it would sound better standing out starkly against the darkness instead of the darkness being stark. For instance 'this time near her exposed throat, which stood out starkly in the darkness.'
Instead of 'the bulky figure' I think 'his bulky figure' might be better as we already know who the bulky figure belongs to. Just my preference though so do whatever you think!
I think you need something here about when she actually does leave to separate it from when she is thinking of going until when she actually does- like saying something before the running part about leaping away from her hiding place.
I'd maybe put 'Almost there...' into italics.
I would maybe add an extra bit in here about yanking open the door handle open and throwing herself into the seat as the movement is very quick and doesn't properly describe how she gets into the car. I think it would be more effective here
I think this might be better as 'And when he did, he'd kill her.'
Overall: I could really find much nitpicks at all! I think you have started the story brilliantly
I did notice that you used shivering a lot to describe her fear, I think you could vary the description more as there is so much you could use to portray her panic. Her heart pounding, mouth dry, chest hurting, a cold sweat breaking out- that kind of thing. You also mention about her pressing against the tree quite a few times- again I would vary this action more, perhaps she could struggle to get a good footing, try to freeze as still as possible or be straining her ears to pick up on any sound. I think you have managed to get across how she feels really well but I think it could be even better with a variety of descriptions
I'd also add more on the last part, there is a lot more on her waiting and although I know this part is supposed to go by very quickly, I think you could add more detail. You could maybe mention how she feels or how the trees blur past, branches scraping past her and the sound of him behind, it would really add to the suspense
The gun took me a bit by surprise, I'd maybe mention something on her fear of being shot before hand so the reader already has an idea that he has one.
All in all though fantastic
Sweet! I'm the first one! XD
The bold words are things I've corrected.
I put italics around her thoughts so it would make better sense.
Hope this helped!
Don't hesitate to PM me if you need anything else.
MJ