my utopia

Hi! I'm KTW and I'll be reviewing your poem today.

Drifting on soft clouds,

Lies a city of love.

Its frantic heart beat is that of a family. 'heartbeat' is one word.

A family of different races, times and places. Did you rhyme 'races' and 'places' on purpose? It doesn't really work here, since there is no other rhyming in the poem. Also, you might consider changing the 'times and places' so that it's a bit more human. 'Races' could describe a human, but times and places won't.

The walls surrounding my home,

Are not made of brick,

But of love and security. I really like these last three lines.

Our city, inside of another,

Protects us from harm,

Supposting us. Did you mean 'supporting' here?



If you listen closely,

You can almost hear the soft beat of a hummingbirds' wing. I like this image. However, I would get rid of the 'almost'. Can you hear it or not? In my opinion, the 'almost' takes away from the rest of the line.

Listen closer, you can hear the whispers of the leaves, Again, great image. However, the first part of the line (listen closer) is a bit repetitive, so you might change it to something like "Closer still..." or just completely omit it.

As they blow softly in the breeze.

This is my Utopia.

My home.

City of all cities.



Hahira may be the smallest city around;

But it makes up for what it lacks in size, in love. This line is bit confusing. Don't change the words, but do change the order of the words, like: "But it makes up for in love what it lacks in size" or "But what it lacks in size it makes up for in love". The way you have it now is strange sounding, with the 'in love' tacked on to the end.

You don't have to worry about drugs,

being sold on the corner of Main and Sicle St.

Laughter floats on the evenign breeze, [b]Should be 'evening'. Also, just a thought: the first two lines of this stanza and the last two lines of this stanza don't really connect. It's a bit sharp. What you could do is insert a transition word, something like "...Main and Sicle St./Instead, laughter..." or something.

Along with the scent of the latest bonfire the church held. Again, the wording makes it sound strange (the 'latest bonfire the church held' part). I would make it more concise, like "with the scent of the latest church bonfire" or something.



Take a deep breath,

Inhale the sweet scent of lilacs and daisies. Aha! Scents! So perhaps the "Along with the scent of the latest bonfire the church held" would work better after this line!

Watch as the leaves on the willow,

down by Mr. Cranken's shop Consider making this a new line. it's a little long. turn brilliant shades of the rainbow,
I like that line a lot, it seems personal (especially the Mr. Cranken's shop) but...do leaves really turn rainbow shades? Green, orange, red, yellow. Not so much blue and purple. So I was a little bit like, 'huh?' when I read that. But on the other hand, you paint Hahira as being a this wonderful, mystical sky city, so maybe the leaves do turn all shades of the rainbow.
As fall approaches.



Ride down Main st.,

Past Joyce's Fried Chicken.

Watch the children play.

And the birds fly.

This is my Utopia.

My home above the skies. Wonderful end.

Overall: I think you did a great job on describing Hahira, so no complaints there, *singer*! The main criticism I have is that while you have good ideas, they're all over the place. I love your opening stanza, I don't think you should move it at all. But then you go to nature, and then you have that "it makes up for in love what it lacks in size" line, which I think fits better right after the first stanza. Do you see what I mean? You would have how much love is in Hahira, and then the nature-y bits and the physical descriptions all together. OR (although I do love your first stanza where it is) you could start out with the physical descriptions, move on to the 'listen! beauty and nature is all around us!' parts, and then finish off with how much you love the city and the city loves you. It's all up to you.

One more thing (just one, I promise!): You use a lot of commas and periods when they really are not necessary. Like your first line, for example-the comma doesn't do anything there. Drifting on soft clouds, lies a city of love. See what I mean? It doesn't work. The great thing about poetry is that you can break it up however you need to with line breaks, which make commas unnecessary most of the time. The way most people read poetry is to pause at the line breaks, which is what a comma usually does. So, especially in this kind of poem, which doesn't have a defined structure, you don't need punctuation most of the time (if ever). If you do want to use it, use it to emphasize a point-don't worry about being grammatically correct. I suggest reading back through your poem and really thinking about where you want to put a comma or a period and take most of them out.

Okay, I'm finally done! Hopefully you don't want to rip out my internal organs too badly. I did offer a lot of suggestions, I think they could be really helpful, but remember that you are, of course, the writer and have the final say. These are just some things to think about. I enjoyed reading this-it's okay right now, but with some good editing it could be fabulous. Keep writing! And PM me if you're confused, or need more help, or whatever.