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137,620 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Hey bullhead! Kind of like a minotaur, right?
Okay! So, I really like your word choice and word play here that you use in your poem. It’s kind of Shakespearian, almost, your love of words and how you weave them together. And this is awesome! So, you try all these daring experiments, and they definitely make a difference! This piece is fresh, which is lovely.
So! Because being more specific, the kind of rhyming like “fumbling, tumbling” which goes to alliteration (howling, haunting) and so on. You use the words “crackles with dying” and I love how you have crackling, which is associated with drying, and you put it with dying instead. It’s this kind of inventive word play that makes me in love with your writing.
There are a couple of weird spots though… I just want to point them out really quick!
I lie and cry for momentary ← A momentary… what? Momentary is an adjective, and an adjective describes a noun! So, you’re kind of left hanging, but because there’s no punctuation to indicate that you are hanging, it seems kind of awkward.
Now it crackles with dying fresh ← Dying fresh… what? Again, there technically should be a noun after this, but there isn’t!
You might also consider putting punctuation in here… this will actually make it easier for most people to read. This poem is soooo dramatic, and it would be great in a poetry reading, but we need to know how it is phrased, and punctuation does just this!
Also! I forgot to mention… I love how you use the word “lie” since it has that double meaning! It’s really awesome.
Anyway! You are a highly creative poet, and it was wonderful to read your work. Thanks for posting it!
Salutations. I really like the poem, and it contains a lot of emotion. I have a few suggestions:
Some of this doesn't really make sense, such as "Earth's moist soil toils my step". According to the dictionary, toil means "to work extremely hard." I...don't really understand how that fits here.
Also, "Motion has come at a fast still tilt". That's...kind of an oxymoron, I think. Is it tilting fast, or is it still?
I think in these last two, you sacrificed meaning for internal rhyme, which I don't think is a good idea.
Also, I don't think "dew" can be singular. Just "like dew" is fine.
Also, "momentary" is an adjective, not a noun. One cannot really live for it. Perhaps "I live for the moment" or "I live for momentary experiences"?
Shouldn't that be "I live to thrive"? Also, "live" was just used in the line before this, so I think you should try to vary the word choice.
As omniyus said, "He feed on it dry" doesn't really make sense. Perhaps "he fed on it" or "he feeds on it"?
Also, "Now it crackles with dying fresh"...doesn't really make that much sense. Dying flesh, perhaps?
Also, as omniyus said, "memorized memories" is a bit redundant.
Also, I think there should be a comma after "pained".
I don't really understand the meaning of "mid-sour-air". Perhaps clarify or reword that?
In the second line of this stanza, you used a semi-colon; however, for most of the poem you don't punctuate other than commas. Consistency is important, I think.
Also, what, exactly, does "Doubts the abouts" mean?
I don't think "Love" should be capitalized in the second line. Also, I think there should be a comma after "faded".
Also, I really like the last four lines, but I think they would be better without the two colons before the lists.
I don't think "My" needs to be capitalized here.
I really like these last lines, though.
All in all, I really like the poem. Some of the descriptions were really poignant, and the emotion was portrayed really well. Good job, and good luck with any future poems!
Here to review!
My name is Omniyus, and you have requested for me to review this no doubt wonderful poem. So, without further hinderance, let's start reviewing!
This does not sound right. Perhaps 'he feeds on it dry'?
This sentence is redundantly redundant.
So, overall this poem is very dark. It is somewhat hard to read, though. Very, very deep and it has a lot of places where the thoughts change drastically and fast.
The second paragraph talks about bells, that makes me think of something along the lines of a wedding or something, which takes a very dark turn. If this person is living seeing the woman or man s/he loves, then that would be very hurtful and it would break my heart, that's for sure. If that isn't what it means, then o: I have no idea what I am talking about.
I like this, a lot. I don't read a lot of poetry because it all sounds the same to me, but this didn't, which is about as high of a compliment I can give you.
I urge you to write things like this and even better!
I hope this helped,
Omniyus