The Rose and the Sun

Hello there Bull! Dogs here with your review today! If I may start by saying that your avatar is adorable and I really like it . Ok now on to ze review! I like the imagery and idea of this piece. it's an interesting scene you map out here that I certainly wouldn't have expected. A quick note before I go into depth about your writing, you don't have to capitalize the first letter of every line in poetry. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the writer. But in my opinion poetry looks so much better with the variation of sizes for the lowercase vs upper case letters. That's just me though.

"The Sun greets her with his reaching rays,"

You have a nice opening to this piece, although I don't like the use of "reaching" in this line for some reason. I think it might work better if you use "dazzling or brilliant" or some other word along those lines.

"Pulling her violently from her confining mother"

The only short note I have to say about this piece is that isn't it the maturity of the rose blooming that pulls herself from mother earth and not the suns beams? Also, you use "her" twice in the same sentence a little too close in proximity to each other. Try editing one of them out.

"Exposing her erotic skin covered with thorns."

I love the use of "erotic" in this line. Puts a nice feel to this poem. Although there should be a comma after "skin."

"Dripping drops of water upon her"

There needs to be a period after "her." Either always use period/comma grammar or don't use either in your poem. If you're not going to use periods in your poem you have to write extremely clearly so your point and meaning isn't skewed because the reader doesn't know where your writing stops.

Al and all a lovely piece, I like the ending. Nice writing and imagery all around. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

'Kay. Your friendly reviewer, Cas, is here to offer you suggestions!

I have read a, ahem, series of poems quite like this one (literature is my vice?). Basically, fruit rather than flowers, but I digress.

I have to agree with Emerson that there isn't quite enough here to seem poetic, but that doesn't mean it's flawed. I suggest you look into prose poetry. You might have some good fun in that sub-category. Basically, sort the stanzas into paragraphs and get a good deal more descriptive, be a bit clearer (see: I get what you mean, but sometimes I'm all, "But plants don't work like that!"--stop that reaction), more inventive with your imagery, and you're pretty much set.

The only thing I'd note is to avoid capitalization for capitalization's sake. Yes, you're anthropomorphizing, but we already get the metaphors. You don't need to add more to it, really. Otherwise, be careful with your grammar. I noticed a typo or two. Clean it up and, well, if you do get into prose poetry, please hit me up for more reviews. I'd love to see where you go from here nonetheless, even if you just edit this piece.

I find this to be an interesting piece. The combination of sun/rose/moon and the obvious references to sex and naughty bits - it's a good mixture and I like it.

As it stands though it seems more like a work of prose, not a poem. I think if you want it to be a poem it would help to give it better structure, perhaps more line breaks and a rhythm. It just looks like - and read like - a paragraph of information to me. I feel like this poem would benefit greatly from structure additions. ex:

A bud bursts
tearing the moist ether.
The Sun greets her with his reaching rays, pulling
her violently from her confining mother.

Obviously these are just where I chose the line breaks, but there are some amazing things you can do with this. I thought ending the first and third line with such active verbs - bursts and pulling - gave it a lot more force.

If you aren't sure of how to do this, my advise would be to read poetry. Read a lot of poetry. Read all the poetry you can find. Reading poetry is absolutely what taught me how to write it.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Best of luck.