Auxi was reading a report from one of her thieves when Zach pushed open the door and came into the room, a small stack of papers in his hands. Auxi looked at it and grimaced.
“Not more paper,” she groaned. Zach chuckled quietly and added the stack to the pile of papers to Auxi’s left, the ones that she had to sort out. Even if it had only been two days, the thieves hadn’t stopped working and all of the reports and contracts had to be sorted out. The pile on her left was finally smaller than the one on her right. Zach picked up the stack of papers so that he could send them off. In front of him Auxi sighed, pulled a piece of paper from a draw, picked up a nibbed pen and started to write. Her concentrated face bent over the paper made him smile. She could be serious about her work when she put her mind to it, it was just that she rarely wanted to.
Zach shook his head and moved towards the door to leave. As he reached it, Ben appeared in the open doorway, panting. Auxi’s head snapped up. Ben stumbled into the room and Auxi noticed that there was gash on his arm. She darted out from behind her desk.
“Ben, what’s going on?” Her voice was coated with alarm.
“There’s a crazy guy coming in the passage. I tried to stop 'im from coming down here but 'e threw a bloody dagger at me!”
Zach put down the papers and moved closer to Auxi.
Auxi moved closer to Ben, “What do you mean, Ben?” She only knew one truly crazy person and he would never come, never dare to-
“Hey, little cry baby!” Taylor’s voice called from behind Ben.
Auxi turned as white as a sheet and froze where she stood. “Taylor…why are you- get out!” she finished, yelling in a panic voice.
Ignoring Auxi, Taylor strolled into the room and smiled at the panic he had induced. He looked at Zach then noticed his hand that was hovering next to the dagger at his belts. He smirked a bit more. “Your people are so loyal, little cry baby. How did you manage that? You hardly inspired confidence when I knew you before.” In front of him, Auxi ground her teeth. She knew that he wouldn’t tell her why he was there until he had finished trying to upset her. She watched carefully as his face lit up. “Ah! No! That’s not true! The other you was very inspiring for everyone.” A malicious light lit up his eyes. “The sight of your hands covered in red reaching out to me, that was such a good mem-“
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Auxi yelled, her head bowed and her hands over her ears. Pain covered her face. “Stop. Please. Stop,” she whispered. Anger flitted across Taylor’s face. He lifted his leg and kicked Ben in the stomach, sending him flying across the small room and crashing into the wall next to Auxi's desk. Auxi’s head snapped up and she glared at him.
“Since when do you look at me like that and give me orders?” he spat.
“Since I found my freedom. Since I got rid of the other me. Since you hurt my kin.” she retorted angrily. “Zach, help Ben.” Zach looked at her, not wanting to leave her side.
“I’d listen to her if I were you, Mr Friend. You smell like blood and you should never spill blood in front of a hunter.” Taylor’s voice was so full of venom that Zach paled a little and went to help Ben. The young boy was crumpled against the wall, holding his stomach.
As Zach reached him, he coughed up blood and gasped for air. Taylor’s eyes narrowed and snapped to Ben’s hand. Auxi quickly slid into his line of vision.
“Don’t you dare think of my kin as prey!” She hissed. Taylor’s eyes focused on Auxi again. His hand shot up and grabbed her throat.
“Auxi!” Zach cried out and darted towards her but stopped when a dagger came whistling his way. He ducked and it embedded itself into the wall behind him.
“Temper, temper, people. We used to do this all the time. It’s not like I’m really going to kill her, is it little cry baby?” Auxi shook her head slightly, the most she could manage whilst being strangled. Taylor leant forwards until his nose was almost touching hers. “Next time you do anything like that again, if you even try to give me orders, I will kill them. He shook her a little, tightening his hold on her neck. Auxi’s eyes widened and she clawed at his hands. He smirked and lifted off of the floor a little. “You got it?”
She nodded, a tiny movement. He let go of her suddenly and she dropped to her knees o, gasping for breath. An angry red mark circled her throat and she touched it gingerly. Zach made a move to go towards her but she stopped him with a sign of her hand. She took a few deep rasping breaths then stood up carefully. Her hand rested on the hilt of her dagger and she looked at Taylor cautiously, alert. “What are you doing here?”
Taylor smirked. “I wanted to remind you that you have a debt towards me. Well actually, it’s not you but him.” He nodded towards Zach. “He owes me his life.”
Zach stared at Auxi. What was this psycho talking about? How did he have a life-debt to him?
“How?” he asked Auxi, the shock clear in his voice.
“I couldn’t find you. He could. Him telling me where you where you were saved your life.” She turned back to Taylor, an exasperated expression on her face. “So what do you want me to say; that I’ll take up his debt? You knew that I was going to say that anyway. I’d do that for any of my kin. Especially if they had a life-debt to you. You’d just make them suffer like I did.” Even though her voice was strong there was an undercurrent of sadness that made Zach want to reach out to her.
Taylor snorted, a sound full of disgust. “How disappointing. You’re so weak it’s sickening.”
Auxi gritted her teeth. “That so? Still doesn’t mean I’ll agree to you messing with my kin. Now are you done with what you came here for?” It was obvious that she wanted to get rid of Taylor. He smirked. Even though she could pretend not to be, he knew that she was still terrified of him.
“Just one last thing.” He said, his smirk deepening as he leant towards her and whispered in her ear. “The Council knows that you’re alive and they want you back.”
Auxi’s eyes widened then narrowed. “Are you sure about that?” she asked.
Taylor frowned. Thus wasn’t the reaction that he had expected. “What do you mean?”
Auxi smirked. "Are you sure?” she repeated.
“Of course,” Taylor replied, a bemused expression on his face. “The Council voted.”
“I’m sure they did, but did the Head vote?” Auxi asked condscendingly. At some point during the conversation, their roles had reversed and Auxi had gained the power. In front of her, Taylor’s frown deepened as he thought about Auxi’s question. Now that he thought about it… His expression confirmed Auxi’s suspicions. “I didn’t think so.” She smirked. “If he didn’t say that he wants me back, then they don’t want me back. Oh no. They definitely don’t want me back.”
Taylor’s face twisted into a snarl at her words. “What do you know? What do you know that makes you able to talk to me like that?” he shouted, grabbing the hilt of his dagger and taking a few steps back.
So many secrets about the Assassins that it would make your head spin, Auxi thought as she wiped the smile off of her face. “I don’t want to die by the hands of the scum that the Head will send to kill me if I talk. If you want to know anything, then you’ll have to ask the Council.”
Taylor’s snarl intensified, his hands twitching, and Auxi took a few steps backwards. She had no desire to be throttled.
Suddenly, he took a deep breath and turned his back to her.
“Fine!” he spat, trying to contain his fury. “I’ll leave for now, but I will come back for that life-debt.” He stalked towards the exit and disappeared into the dark tunnel beyond.
Auxi waited until his back had disappeared before letting out the breath that she hadn’t even know she was holding. She passed her hand over her face. She didn’t want anyone to see the emotions swirling through her. Anger, fear, relief. She wanted to break down and cry, to laugh at the Council’s idiocy, to kill Taylor for hurting her kin. But she wouldn’t allow herself to do any of them. She had to stay strong and protect everyone, otherwise they could be hurt because of her.
Talking of people who are hurt… she thought, turning to Ben. The young boy was pulling himself up to standing using the wall. Auxi hurried over and stopped him, pushing him gently into her chair.
“Don’t move too much,” she ordered. “Taylor’s kicks have killed people before. Zach, go get a medic please.”
Zach nodded and disappeared down the dark tunnel, leaving Auxi alone with Ben and her thoughts.
He tried to kill me that way too, she remembered as she crouched down in front of Ben, fingering the old cracked ribs that were a reminder of that experience.
"I don't need a med," Ben rasped. He felt his side gently, then sighed. "There ain't anythin' broken. I'll just 'ave a nasty bruise. I'll be 'kay. I think that guy was just tryin' ta scare ya."
Auxi smiled at him faintly, her thoughts flying to the other times Taylor had tried to scare her. She knew that Ben was trying to help her feel better and tried to make it at least look as if it was working.
"Boss, where do ya know that guy from?"
Auxi's eyes snapped back to Ben's and in that second, he saw someone else in her eyes, someone cruel and bloodthirsty. He held her gaze, not fliching even though he wanted to, and sighed inwardly when her eyes flashed back to normal. He shook his head slightly.
"Actually, it don't matter, Boss. I figure you'll tell us if we need ta know, right?"
"Of course. I don't want anyone to be hurt because of my past." Auxi frowned slightly ,then stood up. The medic hed arrived. Ben scowled, but let the man examine him.
"See, Boss, I'll be 'kay."
Auxi smiled at him then turned around and walked through the door, looking back at the wounded boy for a second from the doorway. "I hope so," she whispered, before melting into the dark shadows of the tunnel.
Hello again! I've actually decided I ought to review this now while the previous chapter is still fresh in my mind so to make up for the long wait, you get two for the price of one! Or for free in fact... isn't that cool?
Specifics
1. Love the attention to detail of the 'nibbed pen', that's a very nice description! Keep that up
2. This chapter is filled with a lot of words all cramped togetherlikethis so you need to read through and put those spaces in. If you were doing it for dramatic effect or to show some kind of speed up in voice, don't. That works fine on MSN or in a chatroom, but it doesn't have a place in a novel. If it's a typo, proofread before you post! People would rather come here and concentrate on helping you be the best you can be, but that only works if you give us everything you've got and we can pick out the areas you actually need help with and not the ones you could fix yourself.
3. This is a much better chapter than your last. I'm not finding much that annoys me and your dialogue between Taylor and Auxi is entertaining. Some more scenery description would be nice, of what each is wearing or of the light glancing off the daggers. How light is the room, are they standing on carpet? Little peripheral details can make a lot of difference in building up an atmosphere. But the action and plot in this chapter is more interesting and holding my attention. The power switches are a nice touch, but make sure you don't forget that there are four characters in this room. As fun as it is to zone in on Taylor and Auxi, we need to know what Ben and Zach are doing so we don't forget where they are.
Overall
Not too much to comment on here, this is a pretty fluid chapter. I might have liked the beginning to be longer and for Taylor to have more trouble breaking in to a thieves headquarters. It feels like there's only the four of them there and that's unrealistic. Why doesn't his intrusion bring more people; raise the alarm? And why is her room the first he comes upon? Normally the more important you are, the deeper in a catacomb you're hidden so I find this a little too convenient for him. I feel that Taylor should struggle to find her and we should get to see how much destruction he's willing to do to the things which get in his way.
Other than that, good stuff. You are very familiar with the voices of your characters and that is good, but familiarise yourself with their actions and thoughts as well. Sometimes it feels like they're standing and shouting across a room at each other, when they should also be doing things. Crossing their arms. Grinding their heel into the floor. Having Auxi finger her ribs was a nice touch, but that happens in the quiet after the storm and it always seems to be during the storms - the scenes with the highest action - that you forget we want the little details as well.
Let me know if you have any questions and thanks for the read!
Heather xxx
I think that it's the formatting of the post, I'll go an put in double spaces...
Salutations.
This is really good, and I don't have many suggestions for improvement. I like the conflict here with Auxi's past and such.
A few suggestion:
I would suggest adding a comma after "left".
Here, "want" and "to be" and "serious" are both used in both sentences. Try to add variety by changing some of those words.
This sentence is missing a period, I think.
There should be a period after "stood". Also, "she" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, I think that's "panicked".
This sentence is a bit long. Perhaps break it up with some punctuation. Also, I think "bets" is supposed to be "belts".
“Your people are so loyal, little cry baby .[/quote]
The space doesn't need to be there.
"Ruin her", I think, doesn't sound...right. It's a bit too, say, dramatic, maybe?
Perhaps change "lit" or "light". It doesn't sound as good with both of them.
After the second "stop" there should be a comma instead of a period, and "she" shouldn't be capitalized.
"He" should only be capitalized if you're saying that after he said this, he spat. I presume you mean he spat the words, so "he" shouldn't be capitalized.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
"Like Auxi had told him to" isn't really necessary here. The reader just heard Auxi say it, so the sentence is fine without this phrase.
A comma is needed after "wall".
"She" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, "at him" isn't really necessary; the reader understands who she is talking to.
"On the floor" isn't really necessary either; "she dropped to her knees" conveys the same meaning without "on the floor".
"At her" isn't really necessary here.
The comma after "him" should be a period, and "he" should be capitalized.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
What do you mean, I think.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized here.
The period after "of course" should be a comma.
Condescendingly, perhaps?
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
The hands of the scum, I think.
There should be a comma after "twitching".
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
I don't think the word "do" is necessary here.
The space before the comma isn't needed
There should be a comma after "slightly".
Well, that's all. I really like the excitement and stakes set up here. Good luck with the next chapter!
ooh so capitals, missed words and fullstoppies!
Okay!
Thanks WTWG!
hmmm??
Duuu itaaaaa
Umm, it's not formatting. I had paragraphs in there