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This poem is very simple but because of that, I think it’s reflecting your state of mind. It’s straight-forward and contains a grounded theme to it but if you would have imply some illusion especially when you are talking about the “angel”, it would have had more impact towards the reader and the poem as a whole. Otherwise I like how you used the ellipsis to depict the time structure on “Forever”.
Hey MB!
Poetry is all about expression, and you do a great job expressing the way you feel through this poem. One thing I'd suggest is using more imagery, metaphor, and simile to spice up your poem. As it is, it's a bit straight forward.
There's nothing wrong with that, we should all strive for clarity in our writing. But one major aspect of poetry, as Audy says in wonderful article called "Poetry, Prose, and Poultry", is expressing ideas in a different way.
I enjoyed your poem, but as Hannah said, it could be written as prose. That's an option to explore. On the other hand, you could also find a way to express this in a more abstract way and it would make a wonderful poem. Keep up the good work, MB, and good luck!
This is both lovely and sad. I'm not seeing many criticisms, though I may change a few words around here and there. But overall, this is structured very well. I like your use of words and phrases like, "surrender," "solitude," "though they were never real." These evoke very strong images and feelings in the readers mind.
This is the emotion you want behind your poem, but this is not your poem. This could be written in prose as a blog entry, except for the one shining line that I think would serve as a key toward your next revision of this piece:
This is something that hits at the topic poetically. Obviously she's not actually an angel, but you're getting at the emotion you feel for her and about her by calling her one. This is a metaphor. This is one of the most basic parts of poetic language. By comparing her to something she's not you reveal your emotions about her, the tone of those emotions, and your willingness to name her something other than she is. It's imagination. She's heavenly, she's ethereal, she's also in the world. Your description of the noun you use for her reveals more. She's walking on your same level, not completely inaccessible. She's present. She's human.
Ground your poem this way. Reveal your emotions by the words you choose, not by just saying them outright. "I think about her all the time"? No. "The angel who suffocates me in the hems of her robes"? Hey, hits at the head area, gets the tone of inescapability, and brings a solid image to her angelness, while making her also physical with the interaction with the robe.
Do your best. Experiment. Keep writing poetry and you'll keep getting better.
PM me if you have any questions, please.
Good luck!
Hello there mb! Dogs here with your review today. Nice poem you have here, a little cliche of a topic but you make it work. Although, firstly I would suggest breaking this large stanza into several different stanzas. Just because you have several different thoughts in this one block of text, and the different stanzas can help organized that thinking more.
"I feel so lonely nowadays"
I think you start off with a bit of a weak line, I would like to see some more imagery here. If you're going to wallow in self pity, make it dramatic! Some more like the dismal decay of isolation weighs upon your soul. I dunno I just made that up off the top of my head, but certainly you can do better than my efforts.
"By a very special angel in the world."
Terribly sorry, but this is just a huge pet peeve of mine. You should NEVER use "very" in any sort of writing, unless it's an essay about why you shouldn't use "very" in any sort of writing. It always creates an extra unnecessary word, and it breaks the flow of your writing no matter how you use it. It can easily be replaced and in this instance it can be taken out to new consequence.
I like the theme and point that you end us with about you staying strong no matter what. It's a good point to carry with you and it's always a nice one to remind people of. Your ending is definitely the stronger point of your poem, all and all a good piece that needs a little brushing up. I enjoyed editing this and I hope to read some more of your writing in the future. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh