Young Writers Society

Hi! Stripelife1..

For me, we must rejoice and accept Lord Jesus Christ to be our Saviour and we must let God enter our heart and mind. As it is said, John 3:16 is the Heart of the Bible because the Great Sacrifice of Our Father was written there. For the forgiveness of our sins so we must repent..
Begin now..=D

Thus, we must praise and worship God..

Your piece is nice and cute as well as the content that you want to pass on to your readers..
Nice job..
Keep going..

ll
U

Greetings!
First of all, I love your rhyming scheme. The repetition makes sense, and your message is clear. Nice job I might write a full review later, however I feel like a bag of potatoes right now x) Keep on rockin!!!!!

Salutations, Stripelife.

All rooms where occupied
in the town of David
where Jesus had been lied

But alright it was not
for the king was thinking
He had devised a plot

to destroy the baby
the king of Israel
Would it succeed, maybe

Anger was satisfied
when the kids where no more
for Rachel wept and cried

The world was filled with mirth
when He sent His own son
For God so loved the Earth

Fully human and God
His humble beginning
to his death on the cross

The one fully humand
but also fully God
did what no person can

Jesus feels our pain
our sufferings too
when no one sees are shame

For his standards are great
Ego is idoltry
As bad as murder, hate

No one can keep these laws
No paster or preacher
not even a child

But we are of great worth
for God has chosen us
For God so loved the Earth

Can't you see King has come
for a generation
that don't deserve his love

All that i said is true
His mercy extended
to all men, even you

Now you must make a choice
to accept him or not
But if you do, REJOYCE!

Hello there stripe. Dogs here with your review. You have a nice piece here, the rhythm is usually pretty smooth and your writing style is nice. Although there were a few issues I ran into while reading this.

Firstly, almost every time that you used rhyming it sounded forced. This occurs when you value the rhyming of lines over the content and flow of your poem. When this happens it results in your poem becoming choppy and you lose the excellent rhythm that you were writing with. An example of this would be here:

"All rooms where occupied.../ where Jesus had been lied"

This line sounds really rather odd because you say "where Jesus had been lied" Which doesn't make sense grammatically. You wouldn't hear anyone say that in a normal conversational tone. You need to make your clarity and lines first before you add in the rhyming.

Furthermore, this piece was incredibly difficult to read because it lacked grammar. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the reader, but if you choose not to use it your writing has to be clear and legible without the periods and commas. In this case I didn't know when new sentences started and when they ended, so reading just became incredibly difficult. Try to add in those little bits of info and you'll be raring to go. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh