All rooms where occupied
in the town of David
where Jesus had been lied
But alright it was not
for the king was thinking
He had devised a plot
to destroy the baby
the king of Israel
Would it succeed, maybe
Anger was satisfied
when the kids where no more
for Rachel wept and cried
The world was filled with mirth
when He sent His own son
For God so loved the Earth
Fully human and God
His humble beginning
to his death on the cross
The one fully human
but also fully God
did what no person can
Jesus feels our pain
our sufferings too
when no one sees are shame
For his standards are great
Ego is idoltry
As bad as murder, hate
No one can keep these laws
No paster or preacher
not even a child
But we are of great worth
for God has chosen us
For God so loved the Earth
Fully human and God
His humble beginning
Till he died on the cross
Can't you see King has come
for a generation
that don't deserve his love
but it is not too late
to see him one day
at the big, grand, pearly gate
All that i said is true
His mercy extended
to all men, even you
Now you must make a choice
to accept him or not
But if you do, REJOYCE!
The world was filled with mirth
when he sent his own son
For God so loved the Earth
Fully human and God
his humble beginning
to his death on the cross
But we are of great worth
For God has chosen us
For God so loved the Earth
Hi! Stripelife1..
For me, we must rejoice and accept Lord Jesus Christ to be our Saviour and we must let God enter our heart and mind. As it is said, John 3:16 is the Heart of the Bible because the Great Sacrifice of Our Father was written there. For the forgiveness of our sins so we must repent..
Begin now..=D
Thus, we must praise and worship God..
Your piece is nice and cute as well as the content that you want to pass on to your readers..
Nice job..
Keep going..
ll
U
thanks!
Greetings!
I might write a full review later, however I feel like a bag of potatoes right now x) Keep on rockin!!!!!
First of all, I love your rhyming scheme. The repetition makes sense, and your message is clear. Nice job
thanks for giving me your opinion
Salutations, Stripelife.
In the first line, I think you meant were. Also, I would agree with dogs that the third line should be changed.
This stanza's good, but I'm not really sure about the phrase "alright it was not." It seems as if you were bending a lot to accommodate for the rhyming.
In the second line, are you referring to the same king as in the last stanza? Because if so, the line's a bit out of place. It's not really a complete thought, just a phrase.
That should be "When the kids were no more," I think. Also, is it multiple kids, or just one?
Also, I'm not sure "for" is the best conjunction there. I would make that "and."
Are you sure "mirth" is the right word here?
It seems that the rhyming scheme is cut off here. Is that intentional?
That should be human, I think. Also, I think that should be "did what no person could in order to keep the tense consistent. Also, this stanza...sort of rhymes, if human is pronounced "hue-MAN." Is this intentional as well?
That should be "our shame," I think. This stanza also sort of rhymes.
I'm not sure about the line "ego is idoltry." What, exactly, are you trying to say there?
Hmm. What do you mean by keep? Also, this stanza doesn't seem to rhyme either.
And...this is back to rhyming again.
I think that should be "doesn't deserve his love."
Doesn't the author saying something cause the reader to presume it is true? I don't think you need to say "all that I said is true." Also, isn't that "his mercy extends"?
I think that's "rejoice". Also, I don't think it needs to be in all caps.
Well, that's all I have to say. I think some lines need clarification, because they are a bit confusing. Also, the rhyming seems to sometimes be there, and I'm not really sure about that...
Anyway, good luck with any future poems!
Thanks for reviewing my poems. the humand was just a typo. Some of this stuff is supposed to be confusing because its the bible and the bible is confusing. anyway, yes, it is more than one kid. the word keep in keep his laws means that no one can follow his laws completly because his standards are too great. when it says ego is idoltry, meaning that pride is like having a false god. the reason i told the readers that it was true was because i wanted the readers to know that this is about true events that happened some 2000 years ago, and not just a made up story about made up characters and stuff like that. also, mirth is great joy especially when expressed through laughter and noise. thanks for your review.
Hello there stripe. Dogs here with your review. You have a nice piece here, the rhythm is usually pretty smooth and your writing style is nice. Although there were a few issues I ran into while reading this.
Firstly, almost every time that you used rhyming it sounded forced. This occurs when you value the rhyming of lines over the content and flow of your poem. When this happens it results in your poem becoming choppy and you lose the excellent rhythm that you were writing with. An example of this would be here:
"All rooms where occupied.../ where Jesus had been lied"
This line sounds really rather odd because you say "where Jesus had been lied" Which doesn't make sense grammatically. You wouldn't hear anyone say that in a normal conversational tone. You need to make your clarity and lines first before you add in the rhyming.
Furthermore, this piece was incredibly difficult to read because it lacked grammar. Of course, grammar is entirely up to the reader, but if you choose not to use it your writing has to be clear and legible without the periods and commas. In this case I didn't know when new sentences started and when they ended, so reading just became incredibly difficult. Try to add in those little bits of info and you'll be raring to go. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks for the review! I will really consider those suggestions.