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The Blond Streak

by lilcanich


THE BLOND STREAK

A Poem of Love and Despair

When I went to visit her that day, I remembered that blond streak that ran though her flowing brunette hair.   
This streak was more than a clump of hair, it was the dash of hope from all sorrow, and it was the glimmer of light within a perpetual darkness.  
It would only make sense that on the day I decided to proclaim my feelings true, I offered her my heart, and she politely refused. 
My hope began to fade. 
For you see, earlier this very day,  when I drove miles upon miles to reach the brotherly city, the city of Philadelphia, I pictured my angel,  my best friend,  my lone companion throughout my sorrow and trouble.
As she opened the doorway of the apartment, I noticed one key difference, that distinctive blond streak was nearly gone.
She explained that she was no longer going to keep the streak which, unbeknownst to her, was always my shining beacon of hope.   
Thus it makes sense that in my darkest hour, as I lay with my heart in my hands, my hope faded to sorrow. 
The streak of light that was my North Star, the distinctive feature that distinguished my eyes from all others, too faded to nothingness. 

Summer came and passed in an instant.
It was her, my angel, my hope and my light. 
We were inseparable, but as time passed, the summer ended.
When we left, I swore that if I ever saw her again, I would tell her how much she meant to me. 
And when the time came, I did. 

Now I stand here with my heart ripped out of my chest, waiting for her to come back and receive it. 

I stand here on the edge of this shadowy cliff, no hope to save me, no light to guide me, as they have both faded into the darkness.

Edit: Poem has been majorly rennovated, Second stanza all but removed, thank you for the reviews and critiques.  Further criticism is appreciated.

Lilcanich


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Thu Feb 07, 2013 7:25 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



HELlOOOOOOOOOOOO! Welcome to YWS, the most awesome place on the internet! Guineapiggirl here to review!
I like the first half of this poem. I think it's interesting that you've chosen just to talk about this blonde streak of hair. As a brunette, I don't particularly appreciate you describing brown hair as being sorrow and darkness, but there you are.
The second half is really not that great. It doesn't feel like a poem, it doesn't draw me in, it bores me with unnecessary details.
And then the last line is just like 'wooooooow, some girl rejected him so he goes and jumps off a cliff? Wow.....'
But I really like the first half!
I especially like these two lines:

Thus it makes sense that in my darkest hour, as I lay with my heart in my hands, my hope faded to sorrow.
The streak of light that was my North Star, the distinctive feature that distinguished my eyes from all others, too faded to nothingness.

Personally, I'd just end it after them. We don't need all the extra detail.
I also think that some of your lines are a little long and don't feel rather prosey, and you haven't used all of those nice poetic techniques that make poems really special.
I hope I've helped a little.
Keep writing!




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 10:33 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo there lilcanich, noninjaspresent here to review for you. :D

I found this poem rather sweet but sorrowful. The limerick-esk rhyme mixed in with the free flow of words of free form makes it lulling but interesting. The narrative formatting with the poetic prose certainly make it an enjoyable read.

My favourite stanza is certainly the first stanza. The voice and story within that stanza really just sing to me. In my opinion, you could probably even have gotten away with just having that first stanza in your poem. From that stanza, my favourite line in the poem is: "It would only make sense that on the day I decided to proclaim my feelings true, I offered her my heart, and she politely refused.".

To me, the second stanza was rather cheap and cheesy when compared to the first. Frankly, I find that it rambles on and just sort of stuffs many unneeded words into the poem. The apologising about starting at the middle / end of the story irked me the most. It's kind of like saying "here, smell this pretty flower- nope, you have to watch it grow first".

The third stanza helped redeem what was lost within the second stanza. This mixed in with the single line of the fourth stanza helps build the emotion and images of the story. I also like the final stanza. The metaphor of both fading into the darkness was a well written piece of imagery that helped bring poem to a nice, soft, slightly mournful close.

Of all the good writing in this poem, my one major nitpick is why the blonde streak is so important. One would think that personality would be a more important trait in a relationship than the look of a simple lock of hair. Though there are some good metaphors and other such imagery surrounding the idea, I don't really like how it is the most important thing about the girl to the character in the poem. (Of course, I'm just sitting here pretending I know things about poetry so do whatever you like with it.)

Anyway, overall this was a good poem. If I had to rate it, I'd put it at either a 6 or 7 out of ten. And as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 5:00 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello Canich. Dogs here with your review today. Ok before I even get into your writing I need to touch quickly on the fact that this needs some actual poetry formatting. This is written more like a short story than a poem because you don't space it out properly. Poems consist of stanzas, and stanzas consist of lines. Lines are relatively short, poetically written lines that creates a picture or an emotion or tells a story for the reader. Right now you just have a series of long sentences on just about every single line, which no only looks sloppy but is incredibly frustrating to read. To help fix this problem you can break some of these lines into pieces, so the first couple lines would look like:

"When I went to visit her that day,
I remembered that blond streak
that ran through her
flowing brunette hair"

See? Doesn't that just look so much better already :). Now once you've constructed your lines you need to build rhythm around it, which is what makes it more poetic. The rhythm is lines that sound smoothly and just flow nicely. It's difficult to describe but you'll know once you hear it. If you read some of your lines out loud there are too many words and it just sounds jumbled. Omit useless words! For which you have many.

So let me know once you re format this poem and then I'll give it a proper review for the content. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





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