Mrs. May Chapter 3

by AntonioRivera

Published February 1, 2013

In Novel

3



So I waited patiently and quietly as Sal dug his hands through an emerald ceramic jar that I assumed held many of May’s recipes.  I stepped out from behind the plant and made my footsteps like bare feet on pillows.  Behind me, directly in fact, was the room that I mentioned before.  The room where I had no clue as to what was in it, but then knowing that I was completely incognito, slipped into it and rested my body in the shadows.

    The room was a museum.  It had a comfortable brown wallpaper with many old paintings and pictures; there was a table near a window and on it were various antiques and small sculptures.  I travelled in further and began to smell a dusty scent that made my nose tingle; a smell of old cardboard boxes as I recall.  I pulled my shirt over my nose and continued to trespass.  Besides the wallpapers, paintings and the table, I noticed a miniature, but bold chest with a golden or brass outlining (it was too dark to tell).  I very well thought of it as a secret holder, judging by the bulky golden lock that kept it sealed.  I ran my fingers over the cold lock, then gave it a curious pull.  Of course, it did not budge; what fun would my childhood be if I discovered its secrets on my second day?  A child’s curiosity is like an ocean view from the beach; seemingly endless.  So after that day, it became my distinct mission to open that chest.  

But it would have to wait, it seemed, as I heard a door shut from the unknown scenery of the second floor.  My youth assumed it to be Mrs. May, so I quickly ran out the room, only to find that she was already half way down the stairs.  I fell next to my toys, and pretended that I was there the entire time of her departure.  From my understanding at that time, she believed it; my nose followed her old scent as she walked past me and into the kitchen.

    “Did you find it in there?” She brushed her hand over Sal’s shoulder as she went to the stove.

    “I did,” he held it in his hand, but still searched through the jar.

    “Good, good,” she replied.

    I still had no view of my sitter; from where I sat, I could only see the suited man with the kingly mustache as he slipped a second recipe out of the jar quite furtively.  I remember gasping and getting the peculiar urge to maybe say something.  But I held there, frozen without a word, or words, to help me relay what I saw to Mrs. May.  

    “Thanks again for the ham, May.  I really must have it ya know.”  He held the recipe in plain sight, but held the second piece of paper in his other hand, well tucked behind his back.  “I’ll be going then.”

    “See you soon dear, hopefully,” she replied.

    He walked from the kitchen, with a quick and guilty gait that I would soon see again.  I began to sweat as my childish conscience urged me to report his crime; my mouth, in contrast, stayed within its confines.  Sal was about to walk out, until, by some miracle or coincidence, Harrison saw his exiting and decided to call out for him.  Sal’s face shrunk, thinking he had been caught, but to reassure his innocence, quickly put on a smile and spun around.

    “Yeah, what is it?” He adjusted his glasses, then wiped his forehead of its perspiration.

    “Leaving without saying goodbye?” Harrison smoothly walked into the room with a more subtle smile than usual with his hands pocketed in his tailored suit.

    “Ah,” Sal tucked his head, “I was only gonna go heat up the car.”

    Harrison closed the distance between them and grasped his hand tightly.  I noticed that from where I witnessed these events, my appearance was still somewhat masked by the wild plant.  Me being so small, the wild leaves shrouded parts of my body; enough to hide me from peripherals at least.

    “Maybe you come back one weekend,” Harrison’s voice lowered as he pulled Sal’s shoulder closer to him, “you could check out the new kids we got here.  Some fresh ones I tell you.” His smile returned, but for different purposes.

    Sal grinned rather insidiously, then nodded his head.

    “I’ll give you a call.”

    They unclenched their hairy hands, and Sal would have been gone, if it were not for a suddenly brave young Corvo, who, decided at the right time to go and tell Mrs. May.  When I testified against the gentleman, I finally saw her face, but not in the light that I want to tell you, so her appearance shall come later.  The large woman set a cooking spoon down as she rushed out of the kitchen with her apron falling off from her body.  Sal noticed her entrance to the final room of his escape, and like all guilty parties, tucked his head once more and attempted to turn out of the door.

    “Oh, you thief!” She said most unpleasantly.

    Sal held the door handle, but turned to her from fear.  

    “I let you have my best recipe, and you go and steal from me?”

    “May, I’m---”

    She seized his collar and bent him over to an uncomfortable position.  I watched the confrontation untangle as she searched through his pockets and pulled two papers from them.  

    “After all I taught you Sal?  I should have your fingers!”

    He stood there, shrugged and shrivelled, and quiescent, and querulous as she opened the door for him to leave.

    “Before you come back, I want a’ apology letter from you, ya’hear?”  

    “Yes,” he said cowardly.

    “Yes what?”   

    “Yes Mrs. May.”   

    So he was gone, like a dog cast out after eating from the table; and I, the hero, waiting for acknowledgement.  She heaved a deep breath as she absorbed the oxygen that her elderly lungs had exerted moments ago.  With that, she held her hands on her hips and walked into the room that I had trespassed prior to the event.  She said nothing to me, but I followed as her finger curled in my direction.  In that room, she sat, still trying to return her breathing to the same speed as when she stood in the kitchen.  Since she was calm at this moment, I find it appropriate to describe her.  

She was, as I said before, heavy.  Her face was age filled, her eyes were very low and heavy; she had a beauty mark just above her lip; with those lips always poking out.  Her hair was in a gray bun, tied by a small blue bow.  I remember, for some odd reasons, being afraid while standing there waiting for her to talk.  Even though I did a good deed, I still felt sour.  When she was well enough to speak, she gave me a look, then spoke to me for the very first time.

“You’re the new boy, hm?” Said the dowdy woman.   

“I am ma'am,” I spoke to the floor as my fingers tangled behind my back.

“Ay, look up here boy, I’m talking to you.”

I looked up into her eyes for the first time and said that I was sorry.

“What’s your name again?  Your father called me about two weeks ago.  Can’t expect to remember that far back.”

“Corvo.”

“Right, right, little Corvo he said,” she giggled.

At this point, I underwent a thought process that was a bit complicated for my age.  I thought of Sal, and how he was a thief.  From that, I connected a thief with a liar.  So if in fact Sal was a thief and liar, then I proudly accused him of lying about Mrs. May.  She didn’t seem that bad.  Yes, she handled him quite roughly, but it was reasonable.  And she smiled at me, so I became less frightened by her words, and altogether, less afraid of her.  But I would soon learn that May was just very skilled at hiding her emotions.



 

                         
Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Feb 5, 2013

Hi Antonio,

So I went back and read over all three parts of this to review this part! I like the story you have shaping here, I'm interested to know what's going to happen. I feel like there are a bunch of adventures waiting for Corvo, just around the corner.

I'd like to know how old Corvo is. I haven't seen an age anywhere here, but I might have missed it since I'm a little tired, but I doubled over it to check. How old the boy is will help me decide if his actions are at all reasonable. I think they probably are? Going into the room and such seems like good, solid, young kid action.

I was also really confused about what room you were even talking about. When you mention it earlier, it's one line in chapter one, we need way more than that to just know that's what you're on about. I'd say re-introduce it.

The room where I had no clue as to what was in it, but then knowing that I was completely incognito, slipped into it and rested my body in the shadows.


The lines in question: This is mega confusing. Lots of what you've written here and in previous chapters is convoluted in a similar way. You're wrapped so tightly in what you're saying you can't see what we're reading. If I translate this it's : The room, inside of which was a mystery; however, knowing that I was unseen for the moment, I slipped into it and rested in the shadows." Or something. This makes about double the sense.

You frequently confuse your syntax to the point where I have to read it several times before I can go on. I'm going to make a suggestion you probably won't like: strip this back to it's bare elements. Right now your narrator - Corvo - sounds like a kid pretending to be a man pretending to be a kid. That's how many voices we're filtering this through. Think of it like bablefish, you've translated the text and then translated it back and now we have a mucked up version. Almost all of this mucked up version is because of the stilted, unnatural way your narrator is talking. If this is in the voice of a memoir, make it retain the voice of the memoir, make as many side comments as you like, but maintain the integrity of the voice. If this is in the voice of the boy, throw the fourth-wall-breaking comments out the window and just concentrate on what is actually happening. No more of this "I was later to find" which you use all the time. I like your final line, don't get me wrong, keep that. It's "I finally saw her face, but not in the light that I want to tell you, so her appearance shall come later. " < that nonsense which gets in the way of actually reading this as a text.

I sound pretty aggressive about that. Probably because I think you have some excellent elements: when Sal licks his teeth in the previous chapter (ew but excellent) and where Harry mentions fresh ones (also ew but excellent). These are examples of some really solid writing. But we're losing that really good stuff in all of the pseudo-aged language going on here. Decide the age of your character and stick to it. As I say, if he's old, keep all of his language to that standard, if you want to keep the 8 year old perspective, lose all of that fourth wall breaking commentary. It can be a memoir without you mentioning that kind of thing the whole time.

That will probably also clear up my confusion about when this is set. Is it current or in 19-- or what? The mixture of language and style is what's running against you here - again the feeling of is this an actual memoir or is it going to be a kid's perspective?

I'd love to see you edit this up a bit, I'm interested in what's going to happen later in the story. Thanks for posting and I hope I haven't scared you off.

Hit me up with any questions, queries or to chat.

~ Pen.

User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2013

Hi Antonio! I read the first two parts but I'm commenting on this one since we're trying to clean up the Green Room. I might review them later.

So overall, I'm interested by this story, but it is moving rather slowly. There's some intriguing bits in here, like the line about the "fresh children". Makes me wonder what they do to them. I'm also curious as to what's so great about these recipes that makes her so possessive of them.

When I testified against the gentleman, I finally saw her face, but not in the light that I want to tell you, so her appearance shall come later.


This sudden change to second person didn't do much for me. You could probably just leave it at "I finally saw her face" or something more active, like "She turned toward me" and just give us a description later without telling us that. Or maybe just say a couple things (elderly, large) and move on.

. She heaved a deep breath as she absorbed the oxygen that her elderly lungs had exerted moments ago.


This line strikes me as ridiculous. An eight year old wouldn't talk like this. I understand this is a memoir of sorts, but I still don't think an older person would describe letting out a breath this weirdly either.

They unclenched their hairy hands, and Sal would have been gone, if it were not for a suddenly brave young Corvo, who, decided at the right time to go and tell Mrs. May.


A couple comments about this sentence. When you said Corvo, I didn't immediately understand that that was the character's name, so I guessed it might be some reference I didn't get. I Googled it and the first result was a video game hero. I assume you have a reason for naming this kid "Crow", as it doesn't seem to crop up as a first name much (mostly places and last names). So I'd consider introducing the name differently, like how you did at the end. That felt more natural. Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "who".

Me being so small, the wild leaves shrouded parts of my body; enough to hide me from peripherals at least


Again, I dislike the use of a word like "peripherals" when the character's supposed to be young. I also don't know about the use of semicolons here, as the second clause doesn't seem independent. Personally, I avoid them since I'm never sure I'm using them correctly and I get distracted by this "Is it right?" question when I see them in a story. Just my two cents on that.

Since she was calm at this moment, I find it appropriate to describe her.


Again, you're telling us what you're about to do, which works in essays but not stories. Work this comment in more naturally, like "She was calmer now, so I could see her heavyset frame, elderly face..."

But I would soon learn that May was just very skilled at hiding her emotions.


I like the last paragraph up to this point. Again, this seems like too much telling. There could be a more subtle way to do this, like say "Later, I learned that sometimes thieves are honest" (assuming Sal was indeed telling the truth). This ties in with the theme of the paragraph and doesn't sound so blatant.

Overall, I'm still not sure where this story's going, but I'm on board to find out. Sometimes the language seems too fancy and wordy for a young kid, so consider that when revising. Good job and keep writing!

Thanks for the review! I usually don't explain myself because it should be evident in the reading, but I want to assist you! :) The first sentence automatically tells that the story is in the past; told by an older Corvo (which is just a name, not based from Dishonored haha!). I tell you his name in the first chapter, so that's that. As far as the descriptions and wording goes; young Corvo is not saying or thinking these things. It's what the older Corvo recollects, and he is just very educated. Sorry if it wasn't clear!

niteowl replied · Feb 2, 2013

I was aware that this is an older Corvo talking, but I still thought the language was over the top, like he's trying too hard to sound intellectual. Which, IMO, is annoying to read. And I guess I missed the name introduction in Chapter 1 haha.

It's okay! And hopefully, in the future, you'll like one of my characters. As for Corvo, that's just how he speaks unfortunately :/



We are dreamers, you and I.
— Leya