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September was just settling in as the mood of school filled newspapers and commercials.  Kids prepared for their next year as others, like Evlan, prepared for their last.  After the long 12 grades, it was finally her last at Overlea High, and what she continued to protest as her last year in Baltimore too.  A small tingling in her stomach grew as the thought of school played its tune in her mind.  The blankets fell to the floor as she slumped out of the bed.  

Her legs lazily inched to the bathroom as her eyes attempted to open without the necessity to squint.  She washed her face off in the bathroom and looked into the mirror.  She remembered how she looked in the ninth grade, and how different she looks now.  Auburn hair, with green eyes, with freckles on her cheeks; those cheeks high and red on her pale skin.  

She walked back into her room and faced the window beside her beauty product filled dresser as it poured air into the room.  She slid her hands up and down her arms as she went to close it.  Her backyard was still dark, but from her window the grass was visible along with her dog’s dog house.  A white, house shaped wooden shelter with a red roof in which he slept in during the day.  When she forced the window down to the sill, a subtle movement caught the corner of her eye.  At first, she thought nothing of it.  At second glance at the dog house, she saw her dog Rosco’s pillow move.  

She thought of waking her Dad up and telling him to go check it out since Rosco was in the house.  But she remembered how red his eyes were last night after coming home from work.  Evlan took off the tank top she had slept with and put on a new one over a sports bra.  She grabbed a pink robe that rested on the floor and wrapped it around her body.  Rosco, the previously sound asleep pug, lifted his head as he heard the door open.  He stood on his hind legs and barked.

“Shh, you stay here,” she ordered.

Rosco tilted his head and walked over to the edge of the bed.

“Rosco lay down I said,” she loudly whispered, “go, lay down.”

He saw her snapping fingers but jumped off from the bed and clung to Evlan’s leg.

“Fine, fine, let’s go.”   

She moved throughout the black house; some rooms only being lit by the various digital clocks throughout them.  Rosco made it to the back door first.  The back door was a thin screen rectangle that had a few dents at the bottom of it from his attempts to get into the house before it was his time to.  Evlan stood before it; her toes curled from the cold that slipped beneath it, but her eyes stayed focused on the dog house.  She slid her feet into a pair of thin slippers that rested beside her and opened the screen door.  Within seconds, her lips, nose, and ears went numb.    

She scanned the area around her and picked up a dark brown stick that was almost the length of her arm.  The damp branch poked the pillow several times.  No movement.  Her heart beat irregularly, but not in a harmful manner.  Her lips poked out as her neck extended to get a better look.  The stick fell to the pillow as Evlan lost her balance.  Her ankles gave up, forcing her butt to fall to the wet grass.  Did her eyes attempt to fool her?  Did she see something move?  

She angled her neck again, making it so that the inside of the dog house could be seen again.  The back of it was barely visible, but she could still see movement.  She aimed her ear at the dog house and waited.  At first, she heard nothing; a few seconds passed, and still nothing.  But after about a minute or so, she heard shivering, then a muffled cough.

“Hello?”

No answer.

“Hey, is---is someone in there?”

No answer.

“Is someone in there?”

Still no answer.

“I’m gonna go get my parents to see if they want to call the police to get you some help.”

“No, don’t.”  She heard.  

The voice was tiny and weak as it emptied from the wooden shelter.  Evlan crouched back down and looked at the darkness.  

“How old are you?” She asked as she leaned a little closer.  “It’s cold out here, let me help you.”

The wind picked up, but she could still hear the child.

“You though.”

“Me what?”

“You help me.  No one else.”

“I will, I promise,” her words were sincere, but also rushed by the cold, “it’s freezing out here.  We can go in my house.  Come on, you’ll get sick.”

The pillow moved forward, flipped over, then pulled into where it was no longer visible.  The child’s feet scraped against the floor as he hugged the pillow underneath his arm.  Evlan’s shadow stood up and uncovered the dog house as she waited.  Out of the opening, a dirty brown face, with smudges of dirt and dried blood was introduced to the sun.

“Oh my God.  Hurry, hurry.  Oh my God,” she kept repeating.

She unwrapped her robe, and placed it over the boy’s body.

   


**   

Evlan rushed the boy into the house and sat him on the couch with Rosco following close behind.  The boy sat on the couch, encompassed by a fluffy pink robe.  With his eyes straightforward, his body still; with brown skin, with bones forming his skin, with short black hair, with large eyes, and a dirty face.  Evlan, who stood in a tank top and shorts, shivered as the cold from outside clung to her body like water after a shower.  

“I’m gonna go get a sweater and some pants.  Stay here, okay?”

His eyes stayed in place; like he was unable to move them.

Evlan shuffled up the stairs, calling Rosco to come along with her.  In her room, she quickly threw on a heavy purple sweater with a red lightning bolt on it and a pair of grey sweats.  Rosco remained in the room as she walked into the living room and sat on the couch.  Her body imposed directly where the boy was staring; still, he did not blink.

“So, um---” she cleared her throat, “I’m Evlan.”

He rubbed his nose with his wrist, then pulled the robe back over him.

“What’s your name?”

“Ricardo.”

“Hi Ric---”

“But everybody calls me Rico.  Call me Rico.”

“Ok Rico, I’ll call you that.”  She placed her hands between her legs.  “How about I get you some hot chocolate and we can talk about why you were in my dog’s house.  Sound good?”

He turned his head and looked at a painting on the wall.  It was a portrait of Evlan and her little brother Danny.

“I’ll be right back,” Evlan said quietly, almost to herself.

In the kitchen, she looked at the clock.  6:13.  Mom and Dad usually woke up at 6:30.  She poured milk into two cups then looked at Rico; she took a pack of powdered chocolate and poured it into the cups, then looked at Rico.  She put the cups into the microwave and set them for two minutes, then looked at Rico.  All in that time, he did not move.  He did not react to the sound in the kitchen.  His eyes remained amused by the portrait.  Evlan followed his eyes and also looked at the picture on the wall.  She looked at Danny’s face, then ducked her head and ignored it.   She wrapped the cups with paper towels and placed them on the coffee table in front of Rico.  

“There you go.  It’ll warm you up.”

He looked at it, a look so foreign and confused.  He gazed with low eyes at the steam as it left the cup and went to his nose.

“Be careful when you grab it though.  It’s hot.”

Rico used the paper towel as Evlan did so that he could tolerate the heat.  He jolted back, looked at the liquid as if it was alive, then sipped it again.

“You like it?”

“I never tasted this.”

“Hot cocoa?” She giggled.  “You’re supposed to drink it every Winter silly.”  Her smile faded; his never appeared.  “So can I ask why you were in there?  In the dog house.”

He burned his tongue again, but ignored it this time.

“I could hide in there.  It was a good hiding place.”

“Hide from what?”

A door upstairs squeaked as it opened with a lazy voice short after.

“Evlan?”

“Yeah I’m down here.  I had to let Rosco out,” she spoke loudly.

Rico looked at her; she placed her index finger vertically over her lips and smiled.

“Oh okay.  We’ll be down in a couple of minutes.”

“Yeah.”

Evlan ran to the stairs and made sure that the light from her parents room was off.

“My parents are gonna be down here soon.”

He set the cup down quickly, “I said just you.  I want you to help me girl.”

Evlan looked upstairs again, then back at Rico.

“Dammit, ok, follow me, quick.”  

Rico walked over to the steps.  For the moment that he stood close to her, she smelled sweat and the common scent of the outside mixed with her perfume.  He ran to where she pointed and found himself in a dusty wooden attic.  Surrounding him were boxes of clothes, toys, and a few pieces of outdated furniture, with a small bed that still had sheets on it.  Evlan followed close behind after shutting the door.  Rico sat on the floor, still wrapped.

“I really shouldn’t be hiding you.  But I want to help,” she kneeled beside him.

“I don’t know why you help me, but thank you.”

“You’re welcome, but listen, if I’m gonna help you, I need to know more about you.”

He looked at the floor.

“Ricardo?”

“Rico.”

“Rico, sorry, but did you hear me?”  Her head tilted.

“Yeah.”

“So?”

“Your mom and dad are waking up right?  So I’ll tell you mas tarde.”

“What?”

“Que?”

“You said something in Spanish, I don’t speak Spanish.”

“Mas tarde?”

“Yeah.”

“It means like not now, you know?”

“So, later you mean?” She smiled.

“I guess.”

Evlan’s parents made their liveliness known by playing music as they always did.  

“Look, I have to go to school.  But when I get back, we’re gonna have a little talk, alright?”

“Ok.”

“Before I leave, I’ll put some food down on the bottom step.  Wait until you hear the car in the driveway leave, then go grab it.  Stay up here, no matter what.”

“Ok girl.”

Evlan rubbed his shoulder and gave him kind eyes.  He laid down as she left the attic and went downstairs to get ready for school.  She quickly dressed and put the food where she said she would.  The attic was silent as she closed the door.  Evlan’s Mom, Jaclynn, pressured the car horn from outside.  

“Dad, tell mom that I’m freaking coming.  We’re thirty minutes ahead of schedule anyway.”

  Mark, her Dad, fought with his tie as he leaned his head out of his bedroom window.

 “Your daughter said she’s freaking coming and that we’re thirty minutes ahead of schedule!”

 “Are you even ready?” She asked.

 "Yup, let me grab my jacket, and we’ll go.”

 Evlan left the house and sat in the car, leaving Rosco, and leaving Rico.  What would he do all day?  Would he take advantage of the absence of supervision and just run around the house?  Or would he steal something?  She tried to outweigh her thoughts by plugging headphones into her phone.  Mark locked the door and entered the car as Jaclynn fixed her makeup in the overhead mirror.

“Hey Evlan,” Mark turned to the back seat.

Evlan opened one eye, then paused her music.

“Hmm?”

“I’m curious about something.”

“What?’

                   “Why were there two cups of hot chocolate on the living room table?”
Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Shearwater
Review

Hello Antonio,

So this seems like a very interesting setup. I mean, I would actually kinda freak out if I found a boy in my dog house. Curious. How old is he? Age can affect the way someone reacts the way they react. If he is a child, then I understand Evlan reacting the way she did and letting him into her home and looking out for him despite the fact this guy could possibly be crazy or dangerous. However, if he’s older then it seems really, really weird if he was hiding in her dog house and I would probably call the police and get the guy home and away.

That said, your level of character reaction believably is teetering and will need some work to capture the reader’s attention. Also, Evlan is too passive right now, I don’t really see her as anything special or different – can you perhaps give us more information about her, something where we can connect to her a little more? A piece of her personal life? An unforgettable character quirk?

As for the writing, I think you did pretty okay. This was set up cleanly but some of your sentences were slightly choppy and hard to read – work on keeping your sentences fluid and varied. Try reading it out loud, you might find things that are awkwardly paced or hard to read smoothly.

One of the main things that I want to point out is that you tend to ‘tell’ more and ‘show’ less. What this means is essentially you have many actions and not enough emotion or descriptive details for your characters. It’s kind of hard to set yourself in the middle, equal balance between showing and telling, but the more you write, the more you’ll be able to set your equilibrium.

Your dialogue in here was a bit difficult to follow and kind of bland. Try to spice it up a little, add some dialogue tags if you can and it might help the readers visualize what’s going on.

Overall, I think your story has potential and there are some funny quirks to this but you’ll also need to continue working. You don’t have to continue fixing this part over again either, just keep writing the whole story and you’ll improve as you go.

Alrighty, hopefully this review helped. If you have any questions or comments, scribble on my wall or PM me. I don’t get notifications if you reply this review so I’ll never know if you respond.

Keep writing!

-S

Hey, this helped TREMENDOUSLY! Now I know exactly what I have to work on, and I'll get to it immediately!

User avatar
stayingstrong Review

Really great and intriguing, I would love to hear more!

Well thank you for your thoughts! I'll add on more soon!

User avatar
Seastormy
Review

I glanced over the original chapter you did, and it looks like you cleaned it up well with this edit. ^^ It kept my interest and I really want to read the next chapter.
However, in the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, you used the word "throughout" twice. I personally think that you can get rid of the "throughout them" after clocks.

I did a lot of polishing haha :] thanks for the review; I haven't actually written the next part yet, but I'm doing that now :)



If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind