Auxi was sat on her bed in her bedroom, still locked in her waking nightmare. She had been sitting there for a day. Various people had entered and exited the room, but no one dared to touch or move her since she had been placed there. She had not reacted to any of them, and none of them could work out what was happening to her. So there she sat, locked in her memories.
*
Zach woke up with a jolt in his bed across the hall from Auxi’s. Pain radiated from his wound but otherwise he was unharmed. He looked around the tiny room and noticed a medic walking in. The medic’s eyes widened when he realised that Zach was awake. He bustled over to him and took his pulse then started to look at Zach’s stomach but was pushed away.
“Leave me be,” he growled.
“But sir you’re -” The medic protested.
“Out!” The medic froze then scuttled out of the room. Zach sighed and used the headboard to pull himself up into a sitting position, wincing as the movement pulled on his wound. Looking at his stomach, he pushed aside the bandages and saw that the wound had been stitched together and slathered in one of the medic’s poultices. He snorted in disgust and tugged the bandages back over the wound. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed and placing them on the floor, he pushed himself off of the bed and stood up on slightly trembling legs. Annoyed at his weakness, he walked a few paces up and down the tiny space a few times, stretched carefully then pulled the door open coming face to face with one of his watchers, who looked startled.
Zach frowned then looked at Auxi’s closed door and back at the watcher. “What are you doing here?” he growled.
“Th-the medic told me to keep an eye on you and…” He glanced at Auxi’s door.
“Why, what happened to Auxi?” Zach asked, annoyance turning into concern.
“I don’t really know but I heard what a few of the people who have come said.” The watcher was nervous now, almost wringing his hands.
“Well, go on then, tell me!”
“U-um, well apparently, she just shut down when she found you. Won’t move, won’t talk, just sits there. I find it pretty freaky myself.”
Zach grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall. “Watch your mug,” he snarled. “That’s your Thief you’re talking about, not some unknown person.”
The watcher flinched and nodded. “Yes, sir,” he whispered.
Zach nodded then pushed past him and entered Auxi’s room.
Once he had slammed the door behind him, he went over to Auxi and crouched down in front of her, looking at her with worry etched on his face. He had seen her like this once before. Once she had come back to her senses, he had asked her to tell him why she had retreated into her shell. She had explained in a quiet voice with silent tears flowing down her cheeks. Zach had sat next to her and listened patiently until she had finished. It had surprised him that someone who seemed so strong, so unbreakable could be hurt so much by one word. Since then he had seen that even if she was strong, strong enough to beat her enemies, strong enough to overcome her past most of the time, she wasn’t unbreakable, she was as weak as a newly born child when her defences were broken. He knew from the time he had seen her like this, though, that one phrase would heal her heart.
He took her slight hands in his own and whispered at her.
“You’re not a murderer.” Auxi shifted slightly in front of him, then blinked as she started to cry. She scrubbed the tears away angrily and looked at Zach, who had quickly dropped her hands as she had come back to her senses. “Well then, what’s this about then Auxi, really? You locked yourself in your shell again? Is that the only escape you can find?”
“Yes.” She replied curtly. “I’m not as strong as you think.” The echo of his previous thoughts made him smile inside. “Now, how are you, you were hurt, weren’t you? Who by?”
“Oh, this?” He spread his hand over his stomach. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” Auxi raised an eyebrow. “Really. Well then, if it’s nothing then I’ll leave you to sort it out yourself. I trust that you can.” Zach smiled and nodded. “Right.” She stood up and stretched. “Time to eat!” She bolted out of the room and downstairs, making the watcher jump. In the kitchen, she yanked open various cupboards and pulled out food. She piled it onto two plates, pulled out one of the two chairs around the table, plunked herself down onto it and started eating ravenously. Zach pulled out the other chair and started eating too.
Once they had eaten their fill, they dismissed the watcher and slipped into the Under Road. They had work to catch up on.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Thief Assassin: Chapter 8Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Guess who? No, I'm going actually so you will have to wait for someone else to come along to review... jokes. I had gammon and pineapple for my tea, do you like gammon? I do! Here's hoping there's gammon in this chapter...
Specifics
1. I should think it's obvious what's happening to her. Someone she cares for has been injured. Even a stable person would go into shock from that. But! It makes sense that they're confused if they've tried to tell her Zach is alive and she hasn't reacted. I think you need something like that in there, to show us their attempts to rouse her.
2. The medic leaves far too quickly. They're used to dealing with people who are difficult because being in pain makes you difficult. Give us more reason for the medic to leave. Does Zach threaten to hurt him? Does Zach look particularly dangerous or menacing? Shouting is a reason for the medic to call for backup and to sedate him. Threatening to kill or main fully justifies running out the door.
3. I want to see the difficulty he has in taking these few steps. It's hard. He has medication wearing off, his body has been ripped to shreds and these few tentative test steps should drain his energy like crazy. I had a very minor opp some years ago, nothing even vaguely serious but the medication alone had be unsteady on my feet in the beginning. And I was very disorientated - we need to see that in Zach. Memory doesn't come back all at once and I know it effects everyone differently so you need to research, but there's going to be some confusion and disorientation no matter what!
4. I'm not sure 'unknown person' really works as the whole 'That's your leader you're talking about' phrase. It isn't enough of an insult or a shout. People would more likely say 'not some gutter scum' or something along those lines.
5. We don't want to hear about the last time she was like this! We want more about the present, please. You can show us through his concern or through dialogue that he's aware of what she's going through, but cut down on history lessons please and thank you.
6. Uh, wait. Just like that she's going? I feel there needs to be more to it. Even if it's only a sort of 'we'll have to talk about this some day' conversation. Otherwise you take all of the tension out of the piece and it won't feel like he's been injured at all!
Overall
I think you need more tension in these scenes! Remember that when your characters are hurting, we have to feel that hurt and they shouldn't snap back with ease. It should be a slow road to recovery with further obstacles along the way!
If you're unsure how your characters should be acting, then maybe try visiting a hospital. I know this sounds weird and you may not be able to get further than the waiting room, but watch films with hospitals in to get an idea of how people are when they're badly hurt.
I'll probably see you tomorrow for chapter eight as I'm going to play a game now!
Heather xxx
Hey there Auxiira

Various people had come and gone but she hadn%u2019t reacted to any of them could work out what was happening to her.

And come face to face with one of his watchers, who looked startled.
Zach grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall. (Perhaps add this one to the next paragraph of dialogue?)



Veeren here to review your work. Though I have to warn you, I haven't read the previous chapters, so if I happen to point something out that's already been covered previously, feel free to ignore it.
I'm mainly a grammar and spelling kind of guy, so I might just have a bunch of nitpicks for you
Alright then, on to the review.
First, this sentence was pretty confusing;
Spoiler
I'm not completely sure, but maybe it's supposed to be: Various people had come and gone, but she had not reacted to any of them, and none could work out what was happening to her.
Or if you combined it with the previous sentence, which I'd recommend, it would be: Various people had entered and exited the room, but no one dared to touch or move her since she had been placed there. She had not reacted to any of them, and none of them could work out what was happening to her.
It just sounds better in my opinion.
In the second paragraph, I'd write that Zach woke up in his bed not bedroom. The more specific the better, for all we know, he was on the floor passed out before he woke up
In the third big paragraph, I'd make "Out!" its own line. Dialogue rules and such, sorry.
This line also confused me;
Spoiler
It's not that start with 'And' that's the problem. It's just the way it's written that's confusing. It sounds like it should be connected to something. Maybe added on to the last sentence of the previous paragraph?
These lines should also be separated from their respective dialogues;
Spoiler
And
The watcher flinched and nodded. (Same with this.)
And
Zach nodded then pushed past him and entered Auxi%u2019s room. (Leave this one as its own.)
The next paragraph is fairly descriptive. So good job there
Except the second to last line, take out the word 'down', it would sound less redundant.
Second to last paragraph, dialogue, again.
Other than that, the piece is fine
It seems like you've got a great story and I'm glad to see you're continuing it. You have a great flow throughout and never really lose my attention, which is a big plus.
So keep up the good work, I'll probably be reviewing Chapter 8 sometime as well
Thanks for reviewing Veeren! I haven't had too much work on dialogue in school yet since I've lived in France for 5 years now so your input really helps!
You're right about the first bit, I've definitely forgotten a few words in there ... goes and looks through the word-doc yep. I forgot half the sentence.
I'll correct the other things too^^
Thanks again!
Auxiira*