z

Young Writers Society



Thief Assassin: Chapter 6

by Auxiira


Auxi sighed and set aside the last piece of paper that she had had to sign. She looked around the room and stretched before getting up and walking out of her office and into the corridor beyond it. She poked her head around the door of Zach’s office, frowning when she noticed that he wasn’t there. She continued walking down the corridor and made her way to the room in the Under Road where the orphans that they had taken in hung out during the day. They had a house for four further out in the outer circle where they lived. The houses were tiny but it was better than sleeping in the streets. They spent most of their free time underground at the beck and call of Auxi and her kin. She wouldn’t let anyone else tell them what to do.

She pushed open the door and watched as the kids scrambled to their feet. A few of them looked scared of her (because of her reputation) but most of them knew that she was actually quite nice. They were more afraid of Zach then of her. His front was more convincing than hers.

“Have any of you seen Zach?” she asked offhandedly. “I need him for something and he doesn’t seem to have come back yet.” The children looked at each other then shook their heads.

“Ben hasn’t come back yet either,” said a little girl. “He had a message for Zach and then had to take him somewhere. He looked really, really scared for some reason…” Auxi frowned.

“Okay, thanks.” She left the room, shutting the door behind her. She leant against it for a few seconds before pushing away from it, finding her pack and heading towards the nearest exit with a determined expression on her face.

Once she had got outside, she quickly hoisted herself up onto the nearest roof and sped towards the market, following a path that traced across the rooftops and that was invisible for those that didn’t know that it was there. Her wary eyes kept on darting from left to right, using the last of the sunlight to keep watch for the other people on the High Road, since the only others who used it were the Assassins. She mustn’t meet them, it was too dangerous.

Just as she was about to reach the Market, a dagger with an A engraved into the end of the handle embedded itself into the wooden tiles in front of her. An assassin’s knife. She whipped around just in time to stop the next dagger from hitting her with her own dagger. She slid into a defensive position as a person dressed in black clothes to blend into the night somersaulted onto the roof in front of her. They started to walk towards her but jerked to a stop as she drew back her arm to throw her dagger at them.

“Don’t get any closer,” she warned, her voice trembling slightly.

“Oh, but I only wanted to say hello, little cry-baby,” replied the person as they pulled back their hood.

“And that’s how you say hello is it, Taylor? By trying to kill me?” The boy in front of her beamed. His light blonde hair almost glowed in the dark against his tanned skin. A long black cloak covered black clothes and Auxi knew that there were at least three daggers on his belt and probably a sword somewhere.

“Oh, come on little cry-baby, only seven years ago we tried to kill each other all the time. Wouldn’t it be fun to start again?” His eyes were lit up with glee and something else; a tinge of madness.

“There is something seriously wrong with you if you think I’d ever even think of going back there. They tried to kill me just because I was seen. And just so you know, all I ever did was try to stop you from killing me. It was never fun for me; my time there was like living in hell.” Her eyes were haunted with painful memories. “Now leave me be, I’m trying to find someone.”

“A friend? You know you aren’t allowed to have any. But…if you were still an assassin you would be able to find them easily.” He smirked as Auxi leapt forward and grabbed his collar, her knife at his throat. His hand came up and messed up her hair. “Poor little cry-baby. You can’t smell blood any more, can you? You used to be the best, now you’re so pitiful.”

“Shut. The. Hell. Up.” Auxi snarled. “I don’t have time for your stupid Sea tribe games, Taylor. If you know where he is, then tell me. Now.” Taylor’s smirk as wiped off of his face for a second as he sniffed the air then returned as he looked back at her and pointed towards a side-street a few houses over.

“There’s a really strong smell of blood coming from over there. The guys scent is also on you so I guess it’s your “friend” If so then I’d get to him quick if I were you.” Auxi swiftly let him go and made for the next building. As she was about to jump onto the next building, Taylor called out behind her. “I want payback for that, little cry-baby. We’ll see each other again.” Auxi flinched before propelling herself onto the nest building and racing towards where Taylor had said he had smelt the blood. She hated his messed up guts and wouldn’t have relied on him, but he had goaded her into doing so. That promised nightmares and sleep walking if she ever went to bed that night.

As she reached the side-street he had pointed towards, she looked back to see if he was still there, threatening her with his very presence, but he had disappeared into the night. She shuddered then dropped down into the side-street, directly into a puddle of blood. She held her breath as the strength of the smell brought bad memories flooding back. Fighting them wasn’t easy when she had just seen Taylor. Pushing them back to the corner of her mind, she drew a lamp from her pack and lit it, sucking in a breath through her teeth when she saw Zach’s prone body on the floor, apparently not breathing. She froze for a second before reaching into her pack again and pulling out a small square object wrapped in fabric. She unwrapped it carefully revealing a small mirror. She held it in front of Zach’s mouth and let out a sigh of relief when it misted up, showing that he was still alive. Grabbing his wrist, she felt for a pulse and found it, stubbornly beating on, even if it was a bit weaker than normal.

She set about bandaging his wound the best she could, before noticing Ben standing in the entrance to the side-street. She beckoned to him.

“If you’re just going to stand there,” she said. “Then go and get a medic from the base.” He nodded slightly then ran off. Auxi pressed down on Zach’s wound to try and stop the bleeding. But it didn’t stop. Soon her hands were covered in blood. As she pressed down on the wound, someone shouted out behind her.

“Murderer!” Just one word. One word that she had heard so many times. Just one word but it made her shut down completely. She was pushing down on Zach’s wound but she wasn’t aware of it. She wasn’t conscious of anything that was going on around her. She had become an empty shell. She looked on, unable to do anything, to even think as Zach’s breathing started to slow. A few seconds later, as her memories of being an assassin started to flood her mind, Ben arrived with a medic right behind him. They were talking to her but she couldn’t hear them. Ben pulled her hands off of Zach and dropped them into her lap, looking into her eyes. At the very back of her mind, an almost inaudible voice whispered something about Ben wanting to be a medic, but she couldn’t really hear it. All Ben saw were empty, lifeless eyes. He shook her, hoping to wake her from her stupor, but it was no use. She had lost to her memories.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:17 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Jam on toast is a really good snack! Are you going to miss me when I'm done? Of course you are because I am clearly a very fascinating individual whose Saturday revolves around doing laundry, washing up and eating food. Oh and becoming a Lady Knight, obviously!

Specifics

1.

Auxi sighed and set aside the last piece of paper that she had had to sign.
This is a weird one as strictly speaking you're grammatically correct, but we try to avoid the double past, so you can lose the second 'had' and it will still read okay.

2. I want to hear more about Zach's office! These guys are thieves so I'm sure you don't mean the modern idea of an office where we have desks and computers and stuff. But what does a thief's office look like? I know she's only glancing in but I feel you can't give us the word 'office' and not at least satisfy some of our curiosity.

3. Auxi is trembling? Aha! So she has no fear or respect for the city guard but a fellow assassin scares her? It's nice to know she can be afraid of someone and isn't always boisterous.

4. Wait. He doesn't seem to be asking her to go back with him but she throws herself into this tirade about not wanting to. Seems to me someone is far too eager to defend themselves. Also! It's too long a speech for someone who has somewhere to be. Just the last line by itself would be enough! People in a hurry don't give explanations that aren't insisted on.

5. Is Auxi not even a little grateful to Taylor? Or is she simply angry because now she owes him one? It might be nice to add a little more definition to her emotions so she comes across as being more angry/ upset instead of an irritated teenager whose run into someone she doesn't like.

6. I like the detail of the mirror but does she really need to use the mirror and to check his pulse? Surely once she knows he's alive, the next step is to try and fix him and if she's as experienced as you're showing with the mirror, then I want to see her being efficient! Or I want to feel her panic. If she's doing this out of panic, you need to show us that. Write in short sentences. Describe every detail of his wounds, fill us with the horror she's feeling and all of her dreadful thoughts.

7.
“If you’re just going to stand there,”
This doesn't make sense to me. It would work if her next command wasn't so calm and sensible/ collected. But this seems out of place as she's talking to a ten year old and she wants him to get someone and she's frantic. Either she needs to be angry with him and demand why he's just standing there, or she needs to be sensible and tell him to go get help.

Overall

The introduction of another assassin is interesting and gives us some nice back story, filling a few gaps in our knowledge. But I think you need to slow this down a little and take more care with your dialogue. I'd also like to see Ben get a few more lines as you have a lot of similar personalities striking each other, but Ben is much quieter and almost more mature. Focusing on him a tiny bit more would help to provide a contrast in characters.

Keep it up!

Heather xxx




User avatar
425 Reviews


Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:26 pm
Nate wrote a review...



Just a few things to note!

Show rather than tell

You've probably heard this a thousand times, and like I was, you probably find the advice frustrating. No matter what, you're always telling when writing.

But here's an example of what people mean:

A few of them looked scared of her (because of her reputation) but most of them knew that she was actually quite nice and that the quietly threatening front that she put up was just that.


The first part of the sentence does a decent job of showing rather than telling. That is, you're describing the reactions of the orphans. It's through their reactions that the reader should get a feel for what they're thinking.

But then, you threw that away by including the bolded part. Here, it's unnecessary to include it as you've already shown us that the "quietly threatening front" was just a facade. By including it, you're hitting the reader with a hammer!


Emotions

Emotions are tough to convey; very tough. Here, you need to work on the ending some. Zach is dying before her eyes, but she shuts down completely almost right away... while he's still alive. I get what you're going for, but it doesn't work. Have her shut down after Zach dies; not before.


Overall

Keep up with this. Don't worry about what I said above; instead concentrate on finishing your novel. After you're done, go through and edit it, but not until you're done.




Auxiira says...


thanks for the review Nate^^ Yeah those are things that I know I'm not very good at and that I'm trying to correct...



Auxiira says...


but zach doesn't die. It's the word that shuts her down. (just to say...)




i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper
— looseleaf