I can't do this.
I'm not ready.
I'm not good enough.
An endless cycle of thoughts, it felt as though a thousand knives had stabbed my heart. And still it was beating as loud as a drum. I glanced up at the stage, and saw the rest of the contestants lined up. They all looked smart, dressed in suits with bow ties. Their hair was combed smartly, and their faces radiated with confidence.
I looked at myself, and saw a world of difference. My office wear was crumpled, and reeked of sweat, and my hair was rustled up like a nest. In other words, I didn't feel worthy to be up there. I felt ashamed of myself.
But I was already here wasn't I? I couldn't turn back now, not with everyone expecting me. I had to show something, even though I probably wasn't in any fit shape. I had to save myself from my own downfall. I had to do something.
I heaved in a deep breath, and with a heavy heart and shaky legs, took my first steps forward.
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139,292 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey there, Lycando. Sorry this took so long. I would have had the judging finished while I was at pep band Wednesday but turns out the game was actually worth watching for once. And I barely even understood what was going on.
Anyways, a few comments:
I’m just curious as to what sort of physical location this could be in where you’d find a mirror or reflection-viewing surface and a stage. It just seems very odd. Unless he’s in a dressing room. But usually back drops and curtains and things block dressing room views from the stage, at least from some personal experience. Because of light and stuff. Also he seems to step up onto stage not out across stage at the end. The logistics seem off.
The other thing I wanted to mention is that the situation seems a bit strange too. I wondered if it was supposed to be located in some sort of unfamiliar reality but you put in in General which makes me really wonder what sort of situation he would be in that requires you to perform some sort of physical activity in office wear.
I like that you created a sense of mystery by keeping the details a bit vague but did have at least another 50 words to work with and it would have been nice to see what you would have done with them.
Hey Lycando!
I already read this yesterday, but I'm not sure why I didn't review then, probably forgot!
I liked this quite a lot - the character definitely comes through your words and the readers can feel the anxiousness as well. I also liked how the other contestants were described as somehow all the same, like a grey mass of "enemy-ness".
You should add a comma after "here". I wouldn't have pointed this otherwise if this was a normal short story, but with flash fiction I think it's especially important that every detail is in place.
Also, I couldn't help thinking that the narrator's point of view switches pretty quickly. At first he's ashamed of himself, and suddenly he's like "I'm going to show them all!" That felt a little abrupt to me, but I do realise you haven't got much space.
Well, that's all I can think of now - good job and good luck in the contest!
Demeter
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Hi!
This is my first review.
I could definitely relate to this feeling of not being good enough. I think you presented it really well.
My favorite line was "a world of difference,"
It offered an interesting image when you supported it with description.
I like the way you ended it too.
But also I agree with beckiw about the 'reeked of odor,' I also think you should add in what.
It was great!
Hi Lycando!
Just stopped by for a quick look at something you'd written since I see you around so much
Just a few mistakes I noticed/things that bothered me -
'My office wear was crumpled, and reeked of odor' - My mind istantly though, of what odor? I assume you mean body odor or something like that. I would just add that in.
'and my hair was are rustled up like a nest' - Probably just a mistake from yourself editing 'was are' doesn't make sense.
'In other words, I didn't feel worthy to be up there with the rest.' - I think this sentence could be much more effective it it were just 'In other words, I didn't feel worthy.' Just seems punchier and the rest of the sentence you have just seems unneeded.
Overall I thought this would pretty good. You had a clear conflict and a clear miniature change in the character's story, which is good for such a tiny story!
Think you stand a good chance!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions
Bex
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Thanks for the nitpicks, I should have proof read it beforehand I guess