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Young Writers Society



Destiny - Part 4

by Lycando


I walked up to the front door hesitantly, and stopped in my tracks. I wasn't sure I was ready to do this. Memories of my old life lay here, in every corner of this house. It hurt to step inside once again, and know that I would never be able to call this place home. My emotions were starting to run wild again, control yourself Derek, or you'll never be able to have peace.

The door wasn't locked, I stepped inside, and instantly the silence overwhelmed me. My kids weren't there running up to me for a hug, Sparks, my golden retriever, wasn't there barking at my feet, my wife wasn't there hugging me and planting kisses on my cheeks. Instinct kicked in, and I found myself in my bedroom. The bed looked like it hadn't been slept in for weeks, dust had started collecting on the bedpost and side table.

I walked on through the whole house, nothing seemed to have changed since I left. I suppose my family immediately fled to the tower once I had been arrested. I decided to pack, since I wouldn't be back here for a long time. I took my rucksack, threw a few cans of food in, a torchlight, medical supplies, map, radio, and a GPS device. Basic survival stuff, other than that I planned to find as I went along. I didn't need a gun, which made it less of a hassle.

I grabbed my car keys, and then realized I had no idea where the garage keys were. I was slightly hesitant to vaporize the garage, but I suppose it didn't matter. It was easy enough to accomplish without destroying my car too.

I started driving, not knowing exactly where to go. I had planned initially to travel overseas, probably to China or Japan. I wouldn't exactly fit in but no one would know me there. Only thing was I had no way of getting out of America without being caught, I was trying to figure out a way to escape when my car jolted suddenly, and then it stopped.

My foot was still on the accelerator, and there was no reason the engine would die on me like that. Then I saw blank tendrils creeping up the back of my car from the mirror. Some hooded figure was standing there, and it seemed that the tendrils came from his palms too. I'm not alone, I realized. But, I didn't know if he was a friend or foe. Now that would prove a little complicated seeing what he had done.

I stepped out of my car, unsure of what to do. I caught his eye, and he immediately released his hold on my car. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, and I did.

“Who are you?” It was all I could manage at this point.

“No one you need to know, but I should tell you this. Escaping won't exactly help you, we can still track you down.” He replied, his voice was like that of a snake, slippery and full of viciousness.

“And who might that “we” be?”

“The people I work with,” he laughed. “And I think you've figured out by now you aren't the only Gifted out there.”

“Is that what you call yourselves, Gifted? Seems that you're pretty experienced doing this.”

“Exactly. You should know that I could kill you right now, but I won't. You'll prove yourself useful to us...”

“No, I'm not gonna work with anyone. Don't underestimate me either, I'm pretty good at this myself.”

“Oh, are you? It seems that the only thing you've managed to do is kill some mere man. Pathetic, you need much more than that to survive now.”

He knows. He saw me at the tower, he knows what I'm capable of, I shouldn't try my luck with this guy.

“That's much better than most beginners actually,” someone said. “Most Gifted can't even control themselves.”

I spun round, but this time there was no hooded figure. It was a man, probably in his sixties. He was bald, and had a beard, those kind that reminded me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter. He looked weird alright, but he seemed like on of the good guys instead.

“Arthur, how nice to see you. I see you've managed to make yourself a pest to me again.” The hooded guy said.

“I can't say I'm too pleased to see you though, Rye. You're making a mistake here, Derek is much more than what you think he is.” Arthur said.

“Oh really? Well, I'm here still, so that means, I'll have to make sure you don't mess up my plans.”

Arthur moved fast, for a man who looked sixty, he had the agility of a teen, maybe much more. He caught Rye by his neck and smashed his head into the road. Sparks flew from his arms and Rye's body surged with electricity. Rye himself was pretty strong, and he shook free of Arthur's grasp. He backed away from Arthur, his body still recovering from the shock.

“You caught me surprise there, Arthur, got lucky. But it won't be the same the next time we meet. I'll make you suffer then.”

“I look forward to it Rye. Just remember, I was your mentor after all, I know how you fight. Besides, you shouldn't have betrayed our cause, it was a wrong choice. I hope you realise that one day.”

Rye said nothing, but he glared at me, his lips were curled into a smirk that made me shiver. “I'll see you again Derek, just you wait.” Black smoke engulfed his body, then he was gone.

Arthur looked at me, he wore a smile on his face, which was comforting, seeing as no one had done that to me in quite a long while.

“We should leave, Derek. I don't like staying out in the open like this, and besides, we have quite a lot of things to talk about.”

He laid his hand on my shoulder, and then everything was bright, it blinded my eyes, then just as fast as it happened, it faded to nothing, and I fell into unconsciousness.


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202 Reviews


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Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:30 am
Blues wrote a review...



Hey, Lycando! Here as requested - sorry for being late with this.

(I feel like I reviewed this already because it seems familiar. Maybe it went down on the database crash)

I liked this! It was intriguing and I really want to know what happens next!

Now, onto the critique :P Since this is in the middle of the story, it's all very confusing for me, so I'll try and steer away from that side.

There was one nitpick that was bugging me a lot and here's an example:


“I can't say I'm too pleased to see you though, Rye. You're making a mistake here, Derek is much more than what you think he is.” Arthur said.


Here, because it's followed by a dialogue tag (he/she said), the speech would end with a comma rather than a full stop. Speaking of dialogue. I noticed that you didn't include a lot of dialogue tags which made it really confusing in places. Since the characters don't have very distinctive speech pattern, it's very hard to understand who is speaking :P

I grabbed my car keys, and then realized I had no idea where the garage keys were. I was slightly hesitant to vaporize the garage, but I suppose it didn't matter. It was easy enough to accomplish without destroying my car too.

I started driving, not knowing exactly where to go.


How does he get out of the garage? XD

Furthermore, I really want to feel scared with the character. There's a hooded figure in front of the car, why wouldn't he be scared? I would be. Employ all the techniques to scare the life out of me because presumably he is and that should reflect on the writing ;D :P The short sentences, the silence and build that tension up. Then when the action starts... you know. When you're writing, just make sure that we feel the same as the character - because in the end, it is first person so that should reflect on the writing.

I hope my review was helpful and please feel free to PM me if you have any questions about it :) Keep writing!

Blues.




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Fri Dec 28, 2012 1:00 pm
Clarity wrote a review...



My emotions were starting to run wild again, control yourself Derek, or you'll never be able to have peace.

Good job on fitting in a thought! Just one suggestion... The first part, up until the comma which I underlined, would most likely work better as a sentence of its own. After that, the part you put into italics, was your
characters thoughts. So, to give this a better effect you should either give it a pargraph of its own, or seprerate it onto a different line.
"My emotions were starting to run wild again.
Control yourself Derek, or you'll never be able to have peace."
You following here...?

The door wasn't locked, I stepped inside, and instantly the silence overwhelmed me. My kids weren't there running up to me for a hug, Sparks, my golden retriever, wasn't there barking at my feet, my wife
wasn't there hugging me and planting kisses on my cheeks.

The sentence is too long... I know it's kind of a list, but it would still look better like this:
"The door wasn't locked, I stepped inside, and instantly the silence overwhelmed me. <<***this bit is fine as it is*** My kids weren't there running up to me for a hug. Sparks, my golden
retriever, wasn't there barking at my feet. My wife wasn't there hugging me and planting kisses on my cheeks..." The "..." is quite important, as it is showing the reader Derek's sense of longing for his family.

Basic survival stuff, other than that I planned to find as I went along.

This might work a bit better like this:
"Other than the basic survival stuff, I planned to find everything else I needed as I went along." What do ya think? Yeah, no, maybe so?

I grabbed my car keys, and then realized I had no idea where the garage keys were. I was slightly hesitant to vaporize the garage, but I suppose it didn't matter. It was easy enough to accomplish without
destroying my car too.

Do what now? vaporize the garage and you give us no details?!?! Dude, you need to say something here. Not just tell us you can suddenly vaporize stuff!!!

and then it stopped.

You don't really need the 'it'.

Now that would prove a little complicated seeing what he had done.

I think you need a comma here:
"Now that would prove a little complicated, seeing what he had done."

He was bald, and had a beard, those kind that reminded me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter.

Like Suzanne said, don't steal someone elses character. Maybe you could say:
"He was bald, and had a beard. He reminded me of someone I knew a while ago..." Build up a bit of mystery, and maybe bring another character in later on... the one you remember.

on of the good guys instead.

Missing out a letter here! "one" not "on". :)



Well, I think you did a pretty good job here. Just as good as the other parts! :D
I've been enjoying this story, and it seems to get a little more interesting each time I read another chapter.

Well done Lyca! Keep writing! :D

-Clarity'xo




Lycando says...


Thanks! I'll be posting new parts to this soon! :)



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Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:19 am
Emerson wrote a review...



Howdy thar!

So like I said in chat, major props for not being a naval gazing first person writer! Very hard to do first person convincingly. The best compliment I can give is I was able to pick this up and read it without much confusion or frustraition despite having not read the previous parts, as you're aware. It was very easy to slip into and very calmly written.

I feel like you should focus a bit more on the emotions as he enters his home. I realize I'm a bit blind sided for what he feels for his family and how he lost them, but being apart from loved ones is incredibly heart breaking. Perhaps he sees some family pictures, remembers an important moment? a child's birthday. an anniversary. Maybe sees an item lying around that he bought his son/daughter, or imagines that he's going to be greeting his wife in the kitchen like he did whenever he came home from work...those things can give your story more life than anything else.

He was bald, and had a beard, those kind that reminded me of Dumbledore from Harry Potter.


You're a writer. Don't steal someone else's character and paste them over your own. He may just have a beard like Dumbledore but Dumbledore comes with specific quotes, emotions, ideas....he is his own thing. Write your own long-bearded mysterious cool guy, and your audience will thank you. Strike this line and get your writer pants on, I know you can do far better.

You did a lot of details between the two characters fighting but what about our MC? What is he doing with himself during this? Since he's the perspective, rather than just watching things, he's probably going to have his own input. Does it freak him the heck out or is he used to it? Does he throw up when he sees this guy crash into his car? How does he feel and what is he doing? Details, details!

Other than that it was pretty well written, I think it could use some beefing up though, just more details and feeling and making it more YOURS. If you have any questions feel free to ask.




Lycando says...


Thanks for the review! :D




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield