Destiny - Part 3

by Lycando

Published December 15, 2012

In Short stories

Once again, I was hustled into the van, doors slammed shut, and we were off. I didn't really get a good look at the insides of the vans before, but now I saw that there were blood stains all around, the stench was pretty strong too. Were they there before? I tried to break the cuffs once again, but it was futile. What's the point of trying? Sometimes it seemed that I could just die with a life like this, hope was something I didn't have, and I didn't want it either. Why hope for something that will never happen?

 

I could hear the sound of machines whirring, drills at work, excavators hauling dirt and gravel, and jackhammers pounding into the earth. The van jerked up and down on uneven ground, I willed for it to stop. It seemed like it worked though, because the van slowed to a halt. The doors were thrown open, and that guy was there again I decided to place a name for him, since he was pretty much always around me. Jackass, I thought, it seems appropriate. So Jackass dragged me out of the van and into the arms of another guy. The new face seemed more friendly, but deep down I knew he had the same loathing as the rest of them. The cuffs were taken off, but not before I was jabbed again. They're weren't taking any risks.

 

Name's Nathan. I won't bother with any formalities, seeing as we don't have the time. Here's the situation, your family is inside that tower there,” he said, pointing to a towering giant of about fifty floors. “They won't get out, and we can't force our way through cause they barricaded the entrances. We're trying to dig under at the moment, but as you can see it's not making much progress.”

 

So, you want me to convince them to get out?” I asked. “You know they don't treat me as family since...that incident.”

 

I think they'll be more comfortable and willing to negotiate with you,” he said. “After all, your kids are in there, I think they would miss their father, wouldn't they?”

 

Don't you drag my kids into this, they're innocent!” I growled.

 

Calm down, Derek. We just want to provide security for your family. There are people out there who have ill intentions towards both you and your family, we just want to ensure nothing happens.”

 

Aren't you the one's with the ill intentions,” I muttered under my breath.

 

Ok, enough with the chit chat,” Jackass cut in. “Derek, you get your ass to the tower and then we'll see what happens.”

 

Right, I'll hand you a walkie so you're able to keep in contact with us.” Nathan said.

 

Jackass leaned in close to me and whispered. “You better get this done right, or I'll make you suffer even more.”

 

I got the walkie talkie, and strode over to the tower. They were right, my family had barricaded the doors shut. The building had belonged to a security company before, but now it was abandoned. The doors could only be controlled from the inside, there was no key to open them. Trying to smash it open wouldn't work because the doors were reinforced titanium. The whole place was like a fortress, little wonder than why my wife had chosen to hide here.

 

There was an intercom located at one of the doors, and there was a tiny mike placed just right beside it. No doubt by Jackass and his guys, they weren't taking any risks here. I was hesitant, I hadn't spoken to any of them since I was taken away. How would they react to me suddenly showing up again? No matter, I wanted to talk to my kids again, I missed them dearly, I wanted to hear their voices.

 

Hey...” I said. “It's me..Derek.”

 

Dad! Dad! Mom, it's Dad!” I could hear the voice of Jane.

 

There was some noise in the background, no doubt Catherine, my wife, was there.

 

Derek? Is it really you?”

 

Yes, honey, it's me. Are all the kids there?” I asked, not knowing how she would respond.

 

Her tone changed the moment she heard that, her reply was cold, full of hatred. “Listen,” she said. “I don't have anything more to do with you. Neither do the kids. Leave us alone.”

 

Babe, please listen. You can't stay in there forever. You have to come out sooner or later. Look, we'll talk once you're out, alright?”

 

No! I'm not coming out of here until you get the hell out. I have nothing to say to you, me and you are over, alright?! You're no longer, a part of our family, freak.”

 

That brought me to my breaking point. My own wife, Catherine, who I had been married to for over ten years, was calling me a freak, and wanted nothing more to do with me. I wept for the first time in years, tears spilling out like a river of sorrow.

 

The walkie buzzed to life, Jackass was on the other end. “Quit your bawling and get on with it! If you don't get them out, you're not going anywhere, here me?!”

 

Sorrow turned to anger, and my anger escalated, to a point when the drug no longer had an effect on me. My mind was contorted with rage, the veins in my arms were glowing bright red. I turned to face Jackass, and the rest of his lackeys. They saw me, how I had transformed, how my powers had returned. They're faces paled, they were scared, and they should be.

 

Without any hint of mercy, I launched my attack. I stretched my hands forward, and beams erupted from my palms. They shot across the whole site, and the drills and excavators were instantly vaporized, Jackass and his men dived for cover, but it was of no use. My beams destroyed everything in my path, and so Jackass and his men soon ceased to exist. Soon, there was nothing left except for barren ground. I looked back at the tower, my family was still inside. I could easily destroy the doors now, but I wouldn't. I couldn't face them anymore, I couldn't bear to see their faces.

I decided to head to the only place I could think of right now, home. I would pack up, and then I would get away from here. Maybe go someplace else, somewhere far away, somewhere secluded, away from any form of civilization. I would start afresh, by myself, and maybe, just maybe, return here someday. For now, I had all the time in the world, or so I thought.

 

In the shadows, someone was watching Derek, they saw him use his powers, they saw how he wiped out the machines and men in seconds. They liked what they saw, and they wanted Derek.

 

He will prove to be a valuable asset to us,” someone said.

 

He will, indeed. But for now, we will watch him.” another one said. “And when everything is ready, we will find him.”


Feedback is much appreciated! :)

 

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
JohnLocke1
Review
JohnLocke1 wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2013

I'm back to review the third chapter of your books.

I am not going to say anything about grammar because I think I have given enough comment on that, so I will talk about your writing. There were still several inconsistencies within your story.

First, there was the van. In the second chapter, you said that he looked around the van and that there were only a few piece of paper in it. Which, by the way, seemed too convenient. Why would that van carry the newspaper? Anyways, you said that in the second chapter, but then in this chapter you say that there is blood and that it smelt bad? That doesn't make any sense. I'm sure he would have smelt the horrible stench if it was "pretty strong." If he was drugged, you need to explain that.

Second, there was the italics. What did they mean? This was the first chapter that they appeared in, so I was confused as to their purpose. Did they represent him talking to himself? If so, you need to place italics in all of your chapters so that there is consistency.

Third, his family. This chapter contains the first reference to his family hating him. Why wouldn't he mention that before since he was so worried about them in the previous chapter? That seemed like an after thought to me and didn't fit.

Fourth, Nathan stating that he wanted to protect Derek and his family. This does not fit at all with what we have seen from this organization previous. Jackass, which by the way is a phenomenal name for him, has already threatened Derek and his family. Why would he suddenly want to protect them?

Fifth, the tower. Derek seemed ridiculously familiar with this tower. He knew that it belonged to a security company and that the doors were reinforced titanium. How does he know this? That needs to be explained.

Sixth, Jackass. What was the point of Jackass and his company if Derek was going to murder them all? I didn't see the point in it and we never learned anything about Jackass and his organization. Pointless characters make readers angry.

Seventh, Derek himself. If Derek was this powerful, how on earth was he captured? His powers are far too advanced and deadly for humans to combat him. You need to explain how he was detained in the first place. Also, he just gave up on his family? After his family being his only drive, he just gives up on them and decides to start a new life? That makes no sense to me.

Overall, if you would clear up the inconsistencies in your writing, this story would be top notch. Try spicing up your vocabulary and fixing the grammatical errors as well. I am excited to read what Derek will do next. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!

Creativeatheart wrote a review Review · Dec 18, 2012

Nice chapter :3

Content: 10 out of 10. I noticed the bit of increase in description and the name he chose for the guy made me laugh! LOL And finally we get to see his power but the fact that his wife wouldn't even accept him almost made me cry along with Derek :( so sad....

Storyline: 10 out of 10 because like I said before the story keeps getting better and better XD


Grammar: I didn't see many mistakes so 10 out 10 but like Sourdude16 said take your time with this story and don't rush because it is certainly worth the wait.

User avatar
Sourdude16
Review
Sourdude16 wrote a review Review · Dec 17, 2012

Good work yet again. A lot of the good things I said still stand. The plot is still well made and shows a good story plot. I also like how this part of the story showed how his family viewed him and that he had kids. This part really shows the true feelings that your character has. I like how he finally has a name that is easily identified to him. The way this story is formatted is still well done and I like it. I also really enjoyed the twist ending. Those really do add some dimension in a story. And he finally shows his powers to, so that adds some good detail.

Some negatives are still here. One big issue I noticed was that in part two the people who took him didn't know where the family was, so how do they suddenly have everything trying to get them? In the second part said they needed help finding the family if I recall correctly. Also, watch grammar. Some of the sentences felt rushed and that is never good. Watch the rushed sentences!!!

Try and add more detail. There is unexploited areas here. You can say how many kids he has, elaborate on how the beams looked, how the equipment looked. Littled details add more story and lets the reader feel as if they are in the situation.

Keep Writing.

Thanks for the feedback! :)

User avatar
Clarity
Review
Clarity wrote a review Review · Dec 15, 2012

Once again, I was hustled into the van, doors slammed shut, and we were off.

Okay, this is what I meant in my review on #1.
Your sentence structure is a bit off. You keep using comma's to prolong a sentence, when you don't need too!
Instead, you can put in some short sentences. My advice is: don't use more than two comma's in a sentence- unless it's a list.
This rule also had another exeption of: "The weather was nice, apart from the small draft, it was such a bright day." Well, this isn't a very good example of what I mean, but do you see where I am going from with
this?
So, to improve this you could say say: "Once again, I was hustled into the van. The doors slammed shut, and we were off."
This sounds a lot better as two seperate sentences. :)

I didn't really get a good look at the insides of the vans before, but now I saw that there were blood stains all around, the stench was pretty strong too.

You did it again here too... Okay, I think long sentences are a great asset to a story, but some of the one's you are using, go on for too long!
On this sentence, this bit: , stench was pretty strong too. ... You don't need to prolong the sentence any more to add this. Either cut it out completely and find another way to fit it in if you really need it. Or
just simply make it a shorter sentence. But just another tip, that I was told myself... because I also do it: don't stop/start the sentences too much, with too many short sentences. This just makes the whole entire
sturcture seem awkward. So, I'll leave it to you, on how you could sort this out.
I won't comment on any more long sentences, unless I find too many! :D

I could hear the sound of machines whirring, drills at work, excavators hauling dirt and gravel, and jackhammers pounding into the earth.

I know I said I wouldn't comment on another long sentence... but this was a good example of an exception!
This is a list... pretty much. So, you don't need to worry about splitting it up into shorter sentences. :)

“You know they don't treat me as family since...that incident.

I don't want to offend you in anyway when I say this... but the bit I put in bold? It's a little... cliché isn't it? All I mean is that, it get's used a lot. The ellipsis, then "the incident". It just get's used a little too much
when trying to build up tension and curiosity. So, to get you out of the book, and make you stand out... Maybe you could change this to something more origional? Something that no one has ever heard before...
but that has pretty much the same meaning. I don't know exactly what you could say... but give it a few minutes thought, and you should be able to come up with something! :D

For now, I had all the time in the world, or so I thought.

To make this ending sound better, you need to split it up!
"For now, I had all the time in the world. Or so I thought."
Having the two seperate sentences adds a large effect on the reader!

“He will prove to be a valuable asset to us,” someone said.



“He will, indeed. But for now, we will watch him.” another one said. “And when everything is ready, we will find him.”

Okay, this is good. But, you need to put it something to seperate the zone...
*** or ~~~
Something like that?



Well, this was really good. I enjoyed it. But, you really do need to work on the sentence structure. With a little editing here and there, and a little longer in the thinking process. This could become a very good story.
And like I said in the first review... it would work better as a novel. Not a short story split into parts.

Well done and keep writing!

-Clarity'xo

I've only just noticed you put it into the novel/chapter catagory. Good choice :D

Thanks for the feedback! :)



I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr