The first part is here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98281
I was cuffed and loaded into a van. The drug was wearing off, I could feel it. My powers, or abilities, were coming back. Energy was surging through me, I was more alert, my mind was sharper. I glanced around, not much except for a few papers lying around. I read the headlines, "Freak imprisoned in mental asylum, awaiting death".
I tried to break the cuffs, but they were locked tight. Worse, the more I struggled, the tighter they became. Talk about being freed.
We drove on for a long time, I lost track of time, i decided to rest. Better to conserve my energy for whatever they had in mind for me. Just a few weeks ago I was normal, a ordinary man just living his life. When my powers were exposed to the public though, I was labeled as a freak. They hunted me down, overpowered me, and threw me into the asylum. I wasn't given much of a chance to fight, let alone talk. So much had changed over these few weeks, my family had fled, my friends had deserted me. I was alone in this, a single fighter against everyone else.
The van halted suddenly, and the doors slid open, i was hoisted out very roughly, slung over a shoulder, and thrown into a room, the doors were shut once again. Once again, trapped in a room as a prisoner. And they call it freedom, bullshit. Lies piled up on one another, I was better off dead. I waited, and waited, for someone to come, for someone to at least tell me what the hell was going on here.
The doors were unlocked, and that same asshole that visited me in the asylum was here again.
"So Derek, enjoying your new home?" He smirked. "I know it's not much, but it was the best we could offer."
"Get to the fucking point," I said. "What do you want? Hurry up and quit wasting my time."
"Alright then, I'll tell you. Your family are currently in hiding, we haven't been able to locate them, we believe however, that you can get them to us."
"What do you want with my family?! They haven't done anything to you bastards!" I yelled. "Don't drag them into this, this is between you guys, and me."
He whacked me hard, I fell sideways, and tasted blood on my lips. He squatted next to me, "Listen, you do as I say, or your family pays when we manage to locate them."
He left the room, leaving me in my misery state. Talk about controlling my own life, I couldn't even defend myself against a mere man like him. I was still handcuffed so I couldn't do anything to him. These guys were ruthless, human lives meant nothing to them. They wouldn't let me out in the open, I was sure of that. I felt like an animal, and in they're eyes I was.
He returned later, with a few others. They all looked the same, dressed in suits with guns holstered. They all had that same menacing look. The look that said they would kill me if given the chance.
"It's time to go Derek, I hope you're ready," he said, a smile crept on his face.
"Don't have a choice do I? Where are we going?"
"That, you don't need to know. Just do your job, and you'll live to see the next day"
I made no attempt to resist as they dragged me back into the van, something I was used to already, being handled like a rag doll. Once I was out though, things would change. They would have to take the cuffs off me, and I would strike then, I would destroy every one of them, I would grind their bodies into ashes and then I would hunt down the people that were responsible for setting me up. I would make them pay, I would make their families pay, I wanted to destroy this whole world. I wanted revenge.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Destiny - Part 3Points:
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
I'm back to review the second chapter of your novel.
First, Grammar. There were several grammatical errors in this piece, so I will list a few of them so that I can get on to talking about the story itself. If you want me to list the rest, just PM and I would be glad to write them out.
"Energy was surging through me, I was more alert, my mind was sharper."
You had a serious problem with comma splices in this piece. A comma splice is when you use a comma to make what is supposed to be several sentences into on sentence. The above sentence should be, "Energy was surging through me; I was more alert and my mind was sharper." or "Energy was surging through me. I was more alert and my mind was sharper." This makes your writing easier to read.
"We drove on for a long time, I lost track of time, i decided to rest."
This is another example of a comma splice. Try, "We drove on for a long time. I eventually lost track of time and decided to rest."
"The van halted suddenly, and the doors slid open, i was hoisted out very roughly, slung over a shoulder, and thrown into a room, the doors were shut once again."
This is just a run on sentence. Try, "The van halted suddenly and the doors slid open. I was hoisted out very roughly, slung over a shoulder, and thrown into a room. The doors were shut once again."
"They would have to take the cuffs off me, and I would strike then, I would destroy every one of them, I would grind their bodies into ashes and then I would hunt down the people that were responsible for setting me up."
This is another run on sentence. Try, "They would have to take the cuff off me eventually. When they did, I would strike. I would destroy every one of them. I would grind their bodies into ashes and then I would hunt down the people that were responsible for setting me up." Try not to make your sentences too long.
Now, onto your writing.
There are still many questions that have remained unanswered. What did this man do? What is the organization that has captured him? Who is the man that spoke to him in the jail and also in the random room that he was thrown into? I really didn't see a point in the room. The man who spoke with him could have easily talked with him in the van. If something can be taken out, take it out. Also, I thought that in the last chapter he had lost his fight. However, he seems very energetic and rebellious in this chapter. Make your choices consistent.
Overall, this was still an interesting read. Just try to clear up your writing so that it becomes easier to read in the mind of your readers. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey again :3
Here to review
Content:
9 out of 10 this time because like Sourdude16 says, you seemed to be holding back on the level of description but other than that the chapter was really good. Try to describe the men who are keeping him captive and the one jerk who visited him in the asylum more often.
Storyline: Still 10 out of 10 because your storyline keeps getting better and better xD
I really want to know what power he has and what really makes him a freak. And the fact that he wants revenge makes it even better!
Grammar: Again just gonna give you a rating- 9 out 10 because it seems like this one didn't have a lot of mistakes as the first part but always keep that in mind.
As I said before, great writing.
The text has good flow and is well written. The dialogue and thoughts are realistic and move along the plot. The plot is also well thought out and timed. The whole story seems realistic for a subject of this nature and puts a new twist on an old idea. Just watch out for the little things like grammar, punctuation, spelling. Especially watch the I's, as some aren't capitalized. Also, take advantage of the new environments, as you can always make writing better with good descriptions. What do the men look like? What color is the van? Small details really do add a lot to a story. I look forward to reading more from this story series.
Keep Writing!
Thanks for the feedback! Will improve on it for my next part!
Hello again.
Once again the text flows well, it's easy to read. There's still some minor mistakes here and there, like 'a' instead of "an", "are" instead of "is" and more notably "they're" instead of "their". If you fix those small things the reader will be able to concentrate more on the story, which is still very interesting.
At this point I'm starting to really miss descriptions of the environment. I see a blurry image of the character being moved from one place to another, but I have no idea what those places looks like. I understand that Derek is probably confused, but even so he should be able to notice small details, much like the papers on the floor of the van. It would be grate if you can ad more things like that.
Although there aren't many descriptions of any of the characters I'm getting an image of the guy with the leather shoes, thanks to "a smile crept on his face". Almost like a bug crawling over his face or something. Of some reason your choice of words really made the character creepy. More of that, please.
I might sound harsh, but I like your story. Please keep writing
Thanks for the feedback, and yes I realize that I may have left out some description in certain parts.
No problem about the harshness, I think that's what really helps someone improve, being truthful is good! 