This is a short story I wrote for a competition. Any advice is welcome, also any ideas for an alternate ending would be great too. Thanks!
It had been ten years since, but still I could not forget the day when I heard the door break. I could hear his footsteps in the hall and knew he’d heard where I was. I looked around for something to defend myself with and my eyes rested on the foil and Nerf gun in the corner. I pulled the foil (fencing sword) out of its sheath and swore, pulling at the rubber stopper. I eventually gave up and gnawed at it with my teeth. It crumbled and I spat out the rubber pieces onto the floor and stood behind the door just as his footsteps rounded the corner to the hallway leading to my room.
I stilled my breathing as much as possible and steadied my hand, readying myself for what would inevitably ensue. I heard his steps quiet immensely as his foot hit the carpet of my room. Only a little further and his body would be aligned with the blade. Then the door slammed out and hit my hand, making me drop my foil and disorientating me. I bent to snatch it but the stranger slammed the door shut, momentarily locking us in my room. Like any great burglar, he had stubble covering the lower half of his face and short, dark hair. He grimaced at me as I knelt on the ground with my hand around the grip of the foil; his teeth were clean. He could have been considered relatively attractive – if he wasn’t endangering my life.
Then, without warning, he lunged down and gripped me by the hair. He yanked me to my feet and my eyes started streaming from the pain. Then still holding my hair, he proclaimed crazily, “Silly little girl. You shouldn’t be home alone at night when I’m in the neighbourhood.” He threw away my hair and launched a front-kick into me, sending me flying into a wall.
I shouted out as my back hit first, then my head and I sat there gasping and holding my chest which throbbed with searing pain. As I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms and biting the inside of my lip, I realised the foil had fallen out of my hand roughly a metre away. I sat looking at it, trying desperately to regain my breath as I sat sprawled against the wall.
He hunted after me, like a hungry animal that looks at you with those crazed, yet pleading, eyes and keeps its distance while still moving in for the kill.
Insanity lit his eyes and I stared groggily back as, from a holster on his belt, he drew a small fire-arm. Then I noticed that the Nerf gun lay on the floor next to me, unbalanced from me hitting the wall. Feinting serious chest pain that soon became very real, I bent over and stretched out my arm. While I groaned and tears streamed down my face, my fingertips lightly skimmed the gun.
Fast as I could manage, I fired three shots into his general eye area, he dodged them all but that was partly my intention. As he was busy, squinting his eyes to protect them, I had leant forward and grabbed my foil. Now I brandished it on him and because of dire circumstances, mustered everything I knew. With lightening accuracy, I jabbed the foil forwards, through the trigger hoop, scratching his finger and laying the tip to rest an inch from his eyeball.
He froze. I had the power now.
“My name’s Clara, not ‘little girl’. It’s been ten years since I was a silly little girl. Now I’m a fencing Master’s Apprentice.”
I paused to let my words sink in, not letting any emotion show on my face.
“Turn around, hands in the air.” I commanded with a slight flick of the tip. I moved the foil away enough for him to turn slowly his quivering hands raised. I then instructed him around the house, with my blade against his back, to the nearest phone – my parent’s room. I picked up the phone on the bedside table and dialled ‘000’.
I was put through almost immediately. A man answered and I spoke with my foil against the stubbled man’s chest and my eyes glued to him. “I’m Clara Pemergon, I’m at 12 Firefly Crescent, Townsville, Queensland… Australia. Um… there’s a man in my house, he was carrying a gun.” I glanced quickly at the chunky weapon I’d placed on the table. “He attacked me, I have him subdued.” The man scowled again and the person on the other end of the line was silent for a while before confirming if it was a real emergency. “I may require medical attention, too.” I said as an afterthought. He said to stay on the line and that he’d sent people to the house.
“Would it be illegal to stab him?” I asked the policeman who was relaying information to other officers.
“Ah… that would be considered self-defence. You would most likely not be charged.” He replied.
“Good, good.” I took the phone away for a while and spoke to the stubbled man. “You know what that means? If you move at all, in fact, give me any reason to believe you may try and hurt me again and things will get very unpleasant for you… and bloody.”
He glared at me but didn’t say anything; fear was still in his eyes.
*****************************************
When I saw him, Darren Shuuman, a known criminal – murderer, maniac, rapist, thief – put into that flashing police car in handcuffs, I couldn’t help but feel proud. Somehow the media was there and when I recounted my story on television and saw the newscaster’s reaction, I felt even better.
That event changed my life. Now, ten years into the future, I was working with that same police force that had helped me. I was using my skills to hunt down and lock away criminals just like him. I’ve been in hairy situations, but each one shows me a little more about what it means to be alive.
Alternate ending idea I had just then!
When I saw him, Darren Shuuman, a known criminal – murderer, maniac, rapist, thief – put into that flashing police car in handcuffs, I couldn’t help but feel proud. Somehow the media was there and when I recounted my story on television and saw the newscaster’s reaction, I felt even better.
A week after that, my first night out of hospital , my parents were asleep and I was lying on my bed, eyes wide, thinking. The police had been after Darren for at least a year. His crimes were well-known. And I had taken him down. He'd come for me and I'd stopped him fairly easily. I'd been having similar thoughts while at the hospital. I beat him. I looked over at my unsheathed foil, shining just a little in the dim light, and made my decision. I creapt out into the night, a bag of money from my parent's wallets, spare clothes, and other necessities slung over my shoulders and my foil in its sheath at my waist. Darren Shuuman would not be a name to fear. The name of Clara Pemergon, no, Silver Blaze, would be what haunts the inner sanctuaries of a shop-keeper's, a mother's, a citisen's mind. Silver Blaze would be the greatest criminal.
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138,653 Literary Works • 672,189 Reviews
Hey there, mithrim,
I don't know if your competition is over by now, but I figured I'd write you a review anyway - even if it's too late for this one, it's always good to get feedback for the next time.
I'd like to start with a couple of notes on what I guess you could call 'writing technique'. Firstly, on paragraphs and time. You open the story with a 'modern day' type thing - along the lines of "this is me looking back at a past event", moving onto "and now I will tell you about the past event". That's a perfectly good way to start a story, but here you've run both of these 'times' into one paragraph, which makes it a little confusing. A general rule to stick to is: if there's a time change (or a location change or point-of-view change), start a new paragraph. That way, you signal to your reader that you changed time, and it's a bit less confusing.
Secondly, this piece suffers a little from 'list-ness'. That is, if you read through it, it's a bit like a big long list of Stuff That Happened: "I did this then I did that then he did this then I did that". There's nothing wrong with saying "I did this" in places, but it's good to mix it up a bit - say things differently. Try thinking about all the character's senses - what are they hearing, smelling, feeling as they fight? If you try to work these into your description of the scene, you might find that it becomes less of a list of actions.
Finally on the 'technique' side of things, a quick word about precision. There are a couple of places in here where you've clearly wanted to be quite precise about something, but it doesn't necessarily fit the voice of the character. Examples would be "foil (fencing sword)", and "fallen out of my hand roughly a metre away". It's important to think about your character's frame of mind - especially in a fight scene, would the narrator really stop to say how far away the foil had fallen, or would it just register that, oh no, it's out of reach? With regards to the "(fencing sword)" - I don't think the clarification is necessary, and it feels a little like an author's note shoved into the story, which breaks the flow of narration a bit. If you really don't think your readers will know what a foil is, maybe have the character look at "my fencing kit" and pull the foil from it - that way, the foil is linked to fencing, and the reader can work it out from there.
That's the 'technical' side of things; thinking more about the plot and 'believability' of the story, I'm afraid to say I lost my suspension of disbelief a little during this. The bit where I really struggled was where Clara takes control of the situation. I find it hard to believe that an armed master criminal, when faced with a girl holding a fencing sword, would sit quietly by as she made a relaxed phone call to the police, and then wait for them to turn up. Also problematic is the police officer's chill response to someone asking to stab another person - given that she was calm enough to ask about it in advance, the stabbing would in fact be a pre-mediated one, and not at all the impassioned self-defence that the law usually allows for. I feel like you might be better off with a more involved fight scene, perhaps with Clara making a rushed phone call while the attacker can't hear, and then fighting him off again, or something similar.
These are just suggestions - it is, after all, your story, but I think that the believability of a story is important in keeping a reader's attention. You don't want people to get halfway through and then toss it aside with a "yeah, right".
I think that's about all I have to say, now. I hope it's been helpful; if you have any questions about things I've said, or if you'd like me to do a spelling-and-grammar nitpick on the piece, just drop me a PM.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
I like this piece of work. There are a few things though that need some work.
When you first introduce the burgler, it reads as if the narrator already knows the man in the hall personally. When the reader learns its a burgler it doesn't really connect.
"I shouted out as my back hit first, then my head and I sat there gasping and holding my chest which throbbed with searing pain. As I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms and biting the inside of my lip, I realised the foil had fallen out of my hand roughly a metre away. I sat looking at it, trying desperately to regain my breath as I sat sprawled against the wall."
There are a few gramatical errors in this.
"gasping and holding my chest which throbbed with searing pain" you need a comma inbetween chest and which.
"roughly a metre away" meter not metre. I know that this was probably an accident, but it helps if you reread the story a few times just for grammar.
""I sat looking at it, trying desperately to regain my breath as I sat sprawled against the wall."" This one isn't really about the grammar. The way you describe her fall doesn't seem like she would be sprawled, slouched would probably have been better.
"Fast as I could manage, I fired three shots into his general eye area, he dodged them all but that was partly my intention. As he was busy, squinting his eyes to protect them, I had leant forward and grabbed my foil. Now I brandished it on him and because of dire circumstances, mustered everything I knew. With lightening accuracy, I jabbed the foil forwards, through the trigger hoop, scratching his finger and laying the tip to rest an inch from his eyeball."
The flow of actions doesn't really make any sense, seems almost physically impossible, I would consider taking another look at it.
The ending you have is great. The way things are resolved is briliantly written. I would choose the first ending.
Overall it is a great story and very enjoyable to read. Keep up the good work!