I want to die,
To soak without breath
And in ocean’s comfort lie,
And watch the whales leap overhead.
I want to live,
To taste my first heartbreak,
But by the end of this eve,
To sigh at fools who bid hearts awake.
I want to cry,
To grasp my tears with two hands,
And offer them to those without sighs,
And bid them swallow life’s shifting sands.
I want to laugh,
Laugh at the fool who rejected me,
Laugh at the incompetent chaff
Who dared to defy my will and me.
I want to shield,
Myself from feeling anything,
I will not yield, I must not yield...
...but really, I just want to forget everything.
I want to bite,
Into his heart, and slowly suck out
His blood, till he can’t fight
When I poison him with doubt.
I want to love,
To touch his lips and whisper
Sweet nothings like a heart-struck dove
I wish he’d hear my murmurs.
I want to kill.
Let me stab him in the dark.
I’ll let him make his will,
But on it yet I’ll put my mark.
I don’t want to stay like this.
Even if we’ll always be far apart,
I want to make a wish, just one wish.
I want him to smile at me with all his heart.
I don’t want to lose.
I’ll make him suffer till the end,
And on his skin like thorns of a rose,
I’ll prick him before he can mend.
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137,553 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey Cela,
I hope you're doing well this fine day! I think I understand what you're going for here and I think you're almost making it work. The juxtaposition between the stanzas works to develop the relationship between the narrator and the person who clearly hurt her. I think that the repetition of form and some of the words works against you pretty strongly though. They make your poem seem really tired by the time we hit the end, we care less about the vengeance and the retribution we just want to have it finish!
This is your weakest stanza, in the way of repetition and uninteresting information. I feel like you're trying to say more than you need to, you can shorten your whole poem and make this feel tighter and stronger. The stronger the emotion is, the closer it is packed in, the more we'll feel it. The more we feel it, the more we'll remember what is going on.
Thanks for writing this, I look forward to reading more, always! If you have any questions, queries or just want to chat, please hit me up.
~ Pen.
First off, I'd like to say that I really liked the idea of this poem. All too often, our feelings for people are conflicted and paradoxial.
I think you should rearrange the stanzas a little bit, make the change from positive to negative more pronounced. As of now, it begins with a negative stanza followed by a positive stanza, then about halfway through, switching. Because of this, I only figured out the general form of the poem towards the end.
You might consider rewording "But by the end of this eve". "But" usually denotes two contrasting things, and I don't really see that in the stanza.
This was a very interesting poem.