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140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Criticism is still appreciated as always, though.
You have ideas here, but that's all they are: ideas. There is no development of these ideas to distinguish them as your ideas rather than someone else's.
One way to make this distinction is by using more specific situations to develop these ideas into something identifiable as a piece only you could have written. More imagery, more analogies, more expansion: all of these would help flesh out your framework of ideas.
Another, thing to take into consideration is word choice. Right now, everything's pretty common, and there's no quirks of phrasing that identify this piece as being written by you rather than Generic Poetry Writer #289343. Every word in a poem literally counts, and not all words are created equally. Something I find useful is to take a piece I've written and condense it down to the absolutely fewest words I can without having to run to a dictionary or thesaurus (except for those words I know I know but can't quite recall right then). When you do that, you'll find that you're forced to phrase things creatively so that they still make sense, even as you cut out all the repetitions and redundancies. Ideally, the words you're left with mean the exact same thing as the uncondensed version, but with each individual word pulling a lot more weight, each individual word becomes much more stronger, which in turn makes the piece overall stronger.
Overall, all you've got here is a rather generic frame of ideas that are in need of distinguishing from all the other generic ideas out there. It's not a bad frame of ideas, but in their current form, they're rather bland.
Celtic, this is amazing. I loved your language, and how you created a sense of isolation throughout. And yes, your title pretty much sums the whole poem's theme up: abandonment. I think you should write more poems like these- ones with bite, personal problems, honesty. Your ideas are developed in such a way. I'm surprised that you hadn't have posted it sooner. It is perfect for winter, the cold, the sadness. I believe you have summed up the moods of a lot of people. They too feel abandoned. I felt abandoned myself. In a strange way, this poem also summed up MY feelings at that time. I thank you for making me think back. Astonishing.