A Little Shop of Hearts

I am fairly sure, from the strength of your last line, that the rhyming ruined what would have been an immensely engaging poem. I was about ready to dismiss it all, because any emotion that would have been there was completely cheapened and erased by the rhymes, but that one line saved it all:

Someone else owns the shop, which now sells seeds.

This is important. When you write your second draft, remember that this line is important. This is the transfer of a heart from one relationship to another, and THIS is where you will find brilliance, if you keep it and build a poem around it.

I mean, look at this:

Her eyes begin to express wear

would you say that line in prose? would you use that syntax as your first choice in writing a clear sentence? if not, why would you do it in poetry? it is amateur, and even though the idea of eyes looking worn is something i think you should keep in future incarnations of this poem, i don't want it said that way.

do your best. push further. rewrite it.
let me know if you have any questions, and good luck.

Celtica! Hi there I'm dropping by to give a Chop-up review, wherein I'll quote parts of your piece and comment on it. Ready?

Blinds drawn over clear windows

I like this opening line. It gives a very clear description that you are there, at that moment, waiting.

The girl had a row with her lover
But she has no lover, only woe.

I think this one of the most interesting verses I've encountered in my path as a reader. It's actually very beautiful; a spark of hope lit up everything, but then it was false, far from what the character wants it to be. These lines demonstrates contrast between events, which is a good point if you'd ask me!

What is a lover who will not touch
He browses the goods but will spend
Not a cent, nor his heart to her lend
Then says goodbye, looking at his watch

Very good stanza here, but there are some stuff which were a bit misleading. The first line, which is a beautiful hysterical inquiry seemed too un-emphasized for its importance. The next line which followed cut the mood and tone brought by the first line. Try to see for yourself. Now, the third line, for me is a blockbuster, but the ending line was a cut-out, too fast to kill, like the first line. Try to see if you can mend the emphasis given to those lines.

The china doll is her own make
The china doll sits at the counter
The china doll waits for her lover
But he won’t buy it for her sake.

I also love this stanza, the three verses mostly since they exhibit an oxymoron of emotion, longing, and I empathize it. The last line, though, was too stagnant, stiff, static, it would be great to make it more dynamic. Add some emotion through words.

Put the toys away, kick a cart

Kick a cart didn't work for me much; try using something inevitably seen in a toy shop.

At his words she feels an urge to maim
But she calms. At the door there is a ring

Of course, in a poem, readers needn't only see, but they should also hear and feel. Instead of 'there is a ring', use a sound which is like a ringing bell to let readers hear and not only see.

Only the bell but the spell is broken
Another customer, so he moves away

There was no transition of idea, it was just written out. Try to check up on this.

She smiles at him, careful not to show pain
He smiles back and asks her name
She tells him and asks him the same
And her former lover stands there across the lane

The stanzas very nice Although it's narrative, certain words pull out the cuteness in the sweet, but heartbreaking, scene.

The china doll still sits there, being not quite a fad
Someone else owns the shop, which now sells seeds.

I think the ending is one of the most important parts of a piece; it should leave readers either hanging or longing for more. The final line didn't do much impact. Most words were glue, and it's a bit on the dead side. try to play with words and spice it up!

That's all for now Celt Good luck writing and happy Holidays!

Your pal,
Al